Anatomy of a Sales Call

You spend months preparing your product line. You carefully gauge the marketplace and develop a sort of menu of items which you will offer prospective customers. In order to protect the innocent (as well as the guilty) and keeping with the menu anology, allow me to summarize my most recent sales call.

The Customer: Oh, I really like the sound of that turkey dinner! You might have an opportunity there!

Me (playing the role of the waiter): Well, you have excellent taste, the Turkey dinner is one of our finest offerings and I assure you will not be dissapointed.

The Customer: There's just one little thing. I'm not a fan of mashed potatoes, can you sub soup for a side? Also I don't see where it says anything about Sweet Potatoe Casserole on the menu, and if I'm going to have turkey, I must have the Casserole. That's what I always have with Turkey.

Me: I can always go back to the kitchen and see what we can do, however I can make no promises, but rest assured we will do whatever we can to make your dining experience a pleasant one.

The Customer: Oh I forgot to mention, about the turkey....I'm actually slightly allergic. Can you sub Pork Chops? Oh and I don't want to pay more for my 3 course dinner than the cost of the grilled cheeze I see on the kid's menu. And of course, the dessert is complimentary and I assume the meal is guaranteed? I mean, what happens if after I order it and it gets to my table and I've changed my mind or I don't like it?

Me: Ok, let me make sure I understand. You want to pay $2.00 for a turkey dinner, no turkey sub pork, no mash, sub soup and you want us to do a custom casserole just for you.

The Customer: If you can do that, I might order it. Also, no one else gets the casserole. Its an exclusive item just for me.

Me: Let me see what I can do. Hand me that menu please.

(At this point I shred the menu into 80,000 pieces and walk back to the kitchen cursing. I am unsure whether I should throw the bitch out, or try and accomodate her. In the end, I grab my keys and head to the car to pick up some goddamned sweet potatoes. She better like marshmellow fluff and the bitch better order up in a big way!)

This is what desperation will do for you. You want an order so bad you make somebody their very own casserole.