Cubicle Tales

Where I work, the men have a special bathroom we reserve for major transactions. The reason being is we frequently have guests in the building and nobody wants to walk into a seriously polluted bathroom before a sales presentation. It's kind of a mood killer.

For the past several months, someone has been stealing all the TP in the Men's Room. Now the only reason we ever go to this room, by necessity, requires the use of toilet paper. Realizing a second too late that there is none can cause major problems. Not too mention if you do catch it in time, you have to do the walk of shame with 4 or 5 rolls in your arms down the hall, past the receptionist,on the elevator and then into the bathroom. Nothing like meeting your 10:15 appt in the elevator, while you have an arm load of TP. "Hey, I'll see you in about 20! Are you ready to be impressed...by my presentation?"

Yuck!

It's bad enough that when the elevator stops, everyone knows you're going to take a shit. After all, the bathroom is the only thing on the floor. But when the elevator stops, and you got off with an armload of toilet paper, every assumes its about to get hella messy in there - like you have Cholera or ate wicked bad Mexican.

For months we assumed girls were raiding our bathroom to stock theirs, because we never saw girls doing the walk of shame. We even hid toilet paper in secret places, and eventually that too turned up missing. I went in there yesterday, to discover the toilet paper I just stocked the day prior was missing. In a rage, I walked into the lady's room, and they had like 20 rolls neatly lined up and ready for immediate use. I took 6, and decided to tell the other guys so we could contemplate and plan our revenge.

Later that day, my boss walked up to me and he had that, "I need to talk to you about something vibe." So I stopped working and asked him what was on his mind. He then proceeded to ask about the bathroom situation and whether I had noticed the toilet paper was missing. I told him I was all over it, I knew who was doing it, and it was game on.

He then said, " No....I've been taking it, because you guys cannot put the toilet paper on the dispenser."

I was shocked. This has been going on for months! Rather than just say, "Hey guys, it bothers me that you don't do X, can you fix it. He deliberately stole TP in some demented, passive aggressive gesture! I could see it being a little funny for a week, but this has been going on for almost a year! This is where I work? How busy is my boss, if he has time for goofy shit like this?

Am I wrong in thinking this is outrageous? See Poll.

Booty: A Call to Action

From the time we are very young, we obsess over sex. We think about it constantly, even long before we know what it really is. When we finally do get to experience it, we have no clue what to do. A point that is surely much more disappointing to her, than it really is to the young man at the time. The phrase, "That's it?" comes to mind as she ponders what just happened and says a silent goodbye to her dearly departed Flower.

And so most of guys out there enter the world of copulation with, shall we say, something lacking.

Over time, with lots of practice and late night cable, (and for today's generation) the Internet, we get better....or so we think. We get married, we have careers, we have children. Our lives are busy. Yet still the quest continues. Not surprisingly, we still find ourselves coming up short.

It's the weekend. The optimal time for couples to "reconnect." We don't have to go to work, we don't have to get up early the next day. Finally you get the kids to bed. You sit on the couch watching football. Perhaps you didn't bother to shave. You may have forgot to shower. "Fuck it", you said after waking up, "It's Saturday." You're wearing dirty jeans and a nasty t-shirt with food stains on it. Drinking cheap beer and belching loudly while using your fingers for a Q-tip. Occasionally you might fart unapologetic ally, I know I do. By the third High Life, we're all starting think about a little about "Sumpum, Sumpum...you know wut I'm sayin??" Which unfortunately maybe precisely how we phrase it to our respective wives and significant others. Looking over, we realize the object of our affection has fallen asleep.....again.

Yet, we never stop at that moment and seriously wonder why. I mean, look at us in all our manly majesty. Who couldn't wait up for that?! The time has come for change.

Let me be clear here, I am not speaking of a little man-sculpting and a dab of cologne. I preach a more holistic gospel. We have to create an environment that rather than encouraging failure, fosters the successful pursuit of poon. We can no longer seriously expect our women to transition seamlessly from, "Married With Children" to "The Red Shoe Diaries." No more can we Bundy it up all day, and then expect to go David Duchovny all night. We must groom! We must bathe! We must pretend to have manners!

It's not 1953, Gentlemen. If we expect dinner, Men, we must set the table.

Now if you will excuse me, I must go and clip my toe nails.

The Ending of an Era...

I left work early yesterday to pay my final respects to a bygone age. My friends were in town from Las Vegas for the holidays. As I have joked before, I may be the only person in the 21st Century to have two friends run off to join the circus. In my case, it was the Cirque du Soleil. Two very talented, very fortunate individuals that had the right combination of circumstances and ability and are making the most of it. I couldn't be happier for them.

We had agreed to meet at McDonald's before moving on to the final destination. As I pulled into McDonald's, I could see them ordering while I spent 10 minutes in the car finishing up a phone call. It's funny how time passes and lives change. Yet, somethings don't. As soon as I took my seat at the table, we could have all been 17 again.

Back then we spent nearly every weekend together. Mostly doing really stupid stuff like playing with explosives, making really bad horror movies, sitting around watching 1970's Blaxploitations films. To the day, Black Belt Jones is in my top 10 favorite movies. (YouTube it.....it's fantastic! If you can handle that, try a little Dolomite.) To this day, we can have entire conversations using lines from those movies.

But the Bogarts (look it up, its a BBJ reference...), were here for a special purpose. My good friend, one of my oldest friends, was finally cutting his hair. He had been growing his hair out since I met him in the 9th grade, when he had a mullet. His hair yesterday was long, but thin....real thin. It was probably time. But Rick's hair, for me, was like that last bastion. That last marker of a bygone age. Rick and Carus might have moved to Vegas. Greg might have gone to UK. I might have taken a "real job," had kids and become self absorbed, but I have always had faith that we would always be like we always were. Perhaps it is because I feel like I have changed so much, and Rick has always been....Rick, the very thought of Rick actually cutting his hair was very disturbing to me. Much like our relationship, Rick seemed less upset about the cut than I did. Damn his eternal calmness! I have always despised it as much as I have admired and failingly tried at times to emulate it. The three of us stood there in a circle and heckled him while the stylist did her job. When she was done, Rick had 8 inches of braided hair in his hands and some gel in his hair.

I have to admit, with tremendous relief, Rick didn't look that different. We all sat down over conies and caught up. We told stories. We laughed. I only checked my blackberry once. It was great. The circumstances which brought us all together almost 20 years ago changed as soon as we went to college, but the dynamic that exists between us has not. We grow older, our lives evolve. I would be a liar if I said our paths were convergent. But it's good to know that in spite of our very different lives, the connection is there, and it will always be there. Even if Rick's hair isn't.

You Lazy Bastards...

I had just finished up a killer presentation. I was all excited when I hit print key and was very eager to review it with the sales person. I was already wishing I was the one making the call and thinking about the look on the buyer's face when I dropped this bad boy on him. I rushed over to the printer and....Nothing.

What the...? I looked at the display screen.

"Tray L1 empty, please load.....Tray L1 empty, please load...."

Son of Bitch! I grabbed some paper, reloaded the machine and walked away

I thought I might as well grab a glass of water while I waited for my print job to complete. I approached the water cooler warily, for I could see it was low. Actually it was empty as I discovered after pulling the valve. Well, not completely empty, I think some dust and cobweb rolled out. I decided to check down into coffee, but a glaring red light and empty carafe greeted me.

Dammit! Who does this things? Its bad enough to drink the last cup, but to not make more and leave the coffee maker on is a crime against humanity. I am sure its in the Geneva Conventions somewhere...

I flipped off the coffee maker. For that matter, I also turned it off, and then proceeded to rip off the empty jug from the cooler. I went down the hall and carried a new jug in, reloaded the cooler and poured myself a glass.

All this exercise and moving around, got other things moving and so I stopped to go to the bathroom, and that's when it happened.

The Hat Trick!

In the history of the office only I have achieved the Dubious Distinction that is the Hat Trick!

There, hanging limply on the dispenser, was an empty toilet paper roll. Not just empty. Stripped completely bare! Not even a scrap of white adorning it's ugly, corrugate face.

In the span of 1 hour, I personally reloaded the printer, refilled the water cooler and restocked the bathroom. It's unheard of.

You people I work with everyday... You Lazy Bastards!

You are officially on notice!