Final 1st Round Match Ups

I've drug this 1st round out enough. Second Round NCAA games start tonight, so its time to roll. BTQ - I am no bracket genius so I find myself in the position of needing an extra competitor. Someone who gets a bye and goes straight to the next round, or a consolation pick from a player who already lost.

Shane Graham vs Jim Breech: I have to go with Golden Graham. He's going to set the Bengal All time record, and if not for some bad snaps he would likely have kicked us to the playoffs. Plus I have his autograph on a mini football!

#1 Fan vs Mike Brown: Both stupid, but #1 Fan is the guy who sits in front row on the Bengal's sideline and wears a hard hat and huge foam fingers. He is an icon. Like Highlander than can be only one. Mike Brown, wearing double zero, moves on.

Jobu #12 vs C-Dawg (#75): C-Dawg is just too stupid. If the Bengal's need anything on their side, it's Jobu. Which woul;d work really well as I have always wanted to go to a game dressed like someone on a ealy 20th century safari - I could bring in the lost idol of Jobu to assure a Bengal's win.

Ndukwe vs Geathers: I really like both of these players. Geather's has shown awesome potential and Ndukwe really came on strong in his rookie season. The decision for me goes down to last year when we had no healthy linebackers, and Geathers stepped up and played out of position, and after a few games really helped shore up a badly porous unit. Its Geathers, although Ndukwe is poised to have a big year in 2008.

Any suggestions for the bye candidiate? Fulcher?

More 1st Round Matches

Tim Krumrie vs. Anthony Munoz - Who doesn't remember the Leg Incident during the 88 Super Bowl. Tim was and still is the embodiment of Tough. However, there is one Bengal in the HOF - right or wrong. That one man is Munoz and he's the only big man moving forward this time.

Big Willie vs Stacy Andrews - The Student vs. The Master. Everyone knows Willie's days are numbered, including the Bengals since they franchised young Andrews. Stacy was solid in relief last year, and he may well be a jersey we see around town for a long time. That all remains to be seen. Willie has been the the rock of this organization for years. He's outlived them all, Shula, Coslet, he blocked for the Akili's and the Klingers and the Palmer's and Esiason's. Through it all he has quietly become the Gold Standard for O Linemen. This may be his last year, but man with # 71 on his back makes a statement for how the world should be, and endorses the best of what is the Bengals...as opposed to the man with 85 on his back. But don't feel too bad, I was fooled too.

Ahmad Brooks vs. Ken Riley: Nobody knows who Ken Riley is, but the Bengal record books sure do. Ahmad Brooks is a tough, physical athlete who may become a great player. Ken Riley was a great player. But enough Big Names of Bengal History are moving forward. The past is adequately represented. The future must also get its do. If its one thing this team needs, it is a presence in the line backing core. The coaches and scouts believe Ahmad can be that presence, and so do I. Don't let me down Ahmad.

Jersey Tourney: RB's and WR's(plus one CB)

Cris Collinsworth vs. TJ: (Or the Over Achiever vs the Angry One.) Cris, in spite of the funny way he spells his name, his gangly body frame, and the fact that he's white, still manages to be near the top of all Bengal receiving records. TJ, playing behind Ocho Stinko, has cracked the top ten, before last year's breakout season. Given the uncertainties surrounding 85, 84 will have another big year, maybe a huge year. However, TJ wants a new contract and he seems always angry, always with a little chip on the shoulder. How chippy will he get over a new deal? Will Mikey pay big money or renegotiate for a 30+ year old receiver? If not, how ugly could that get?

I'm going to roll the dice here, even though Cris is the safe choice, and I fear a storm is brewing with TJ. TJ has the greater potential, and I love his athleticism and fearless playing. I am may regret this choice by training camp, but its TJ moving forward.



James Brooks vs Icky Woods: Its a lighthouse vs a shooting star. One Glorious Year in the Sun against a solid 7 year career. JB is in the top 5 of most rushing stat categories all time for the Bengals and was carrying the ball before and after Icky. Mr. Dependable. Icky pounded his way the SuperBowl, made up a dance, and gave the commentators something to talk about. Then he was hurt the very next year and pretty much out of football. He put the Bengals on the map though. You ask someone in California about the Bengals and if they are the right age they'll say, the Icky Shuffle. You ask them about James Brooks and they'll say, "Who?" Longevity and Dependability have to mean something. Taking Substance over Flash is what Cincinnati is all about, I submit as evidence Pete Rose, Chris Sabo, Ryan Freel and James Brooks as my examples. (Hear that Chad?! The nation may love you, but we're tired of it!) Its James Brooks. Just thinking about Chad pissed me off.

Leon Hall vs. Chris Perry: Battle of the 1st rounders. A China Doll versus a Pretty Boy. I admit, I met Leon's national media campaign with Macy's with disdain. What he do besides get drafted? Nothing! At least Chris Perry had some good carries his first year. That shining flash of potential still burns in my mind and in Bratkowski's playbook. But what has Perry done since then....Nothing! Its Not Yet versus Maybe Never. I'll take Leon Hall and Not Yet, which implies maybe this year. I am not convinced Perry will ever play again...ala KiJana.

Jersey Tourney - Opening Matches - QB's.

Boomer vs. Kenny: I was in Junior High in 1988, I had a Welcome to the Jungle Sweatshirt with the Jim Borgman cartoon on it. Boomer must advance.

Carson vs. 2008 1st Pick: Lately we haven'd had the best luck with 1st picks...hmmm Dave Pollack and Chris Perry, and Leon was solid at the close but shaky in the start last year. Its the unshaven one by a mile.

Akili Smith vc David Klingler: ( There was a last minute substitution as KiJana tripped down his stairs on the way to the match and couldn't compete) I had to do some reseach on this one. I remember Klingler being dismally bad, and while Akili had a reputation for being stupid, he did have some good games. It turns out they both tried to back up Brett Favre post Bengals and both washed out. Klingler was out of football by 1998. Get this -Akili hung around in various organization, finally getting released by the Calgary CFL team in 2007! Maybe he was too stupid to know when to hang it up. But for sheer longevity, and those few brilliant flashes, one against the Browns ( and their dud QB Tim Couch) I gotta give it to Akili.

Jersey Tourney: The Matchups Round One

Who you Got???

Boomer vs Ken Anderson

Collinsworth vs TJ Houshmanzadeh

Leon Hall vs Chris Perry

Tim Krumrie vs Anthony Munoz

Shayne Graham vs Jim Breech

Ahmad Brooks vs Ken Riley

Carson Palmer vs TBD #1 Draft Pick

#1 Fan vs. Paul Brown

Willie Anderson vs. Stacy Andrews

Chinidum Ndukwe vs. Robert Geathers

KiJana Carter vs. David Klingler

C - Dawg #75 vs. Jobu #12

Icky Woods vs. James Books

Two is So Much More Than One

I pride myself on being smarter than the average bear. Given my intellect, one would think I would have seen the pattern developing. I am not saying I would change anything, but perhaps it would have alleviated my occasional sense of shock and wonder at just how much work two kids can be.

Let me take the Reader back in time.

We'll start with a mid summer's night eve in the year 1995. Jill and I sat in our small apartment, looking at the claw marks on our second hand couch, and sniff testing piles of dirty laundry on the floor to see if our cat Rambo had pissed on them. We thought, maybe our cat was lonely. So we found Rambo a friend, and named him Smokey. What ensued was less a a tale of friendship, than a 4 year long Tom and Jerry episode with two cats chasing each other through the house at all hours of the night, knocking over, clawing up and urinating on twice as much stuff. The lesson, two is much, much more than simply two. And really in this instance, not that good of an idea.

Lets go to Spring of 1999. Our dog Alex, having eaten two additional second hand couches, countless undergarments, and one very large hole in our bed,(yes our bed) was becoming a marital strain. My wife theorizes that maybe all Alex needs a friend to keep her company while we are gone. Next thing I know, I am cleaning up T-Rex size piles of poo off my hardwood floors, going through 40 lbs bags of Dog Food on a regular basis and taking walks in sub-zero temperatures twice a day! Again the lesson, Two is so very much more than One.

Let's fast forward to fall of 2006. Our first child Jonathan was going on 4, life was starting to settle down. For some inexplicable reason, we start talking about a second child. Here we are in March of 2008, and our daughter Emma is here. I love my daughter, and I wouldn't trade her for the world. My point is, that we somehow continued to delude ourselves that one more of anything, doesn't really mean twice as more...it's exponentially more. Going to breakfast is an adventure. Sleep is a luxury. (I remember that every time I am up twice a night with Emma, then Jon comes in at 6:30 am wanting watch cartoons.) Running simple errands requires supplies and thorough mission planning. Getting baby sitters is at least 4 times as hard. We measure our days by feeding cycles and nap times, watching carefully for signs of melt downs, while trying to make sure Jonathan doesn't feel ignored. We work, we cook, we clean, we do the laundry, take care of the pets, play with the kids. By 10:00pm, we collapse and prepare to repeat.

Its 6:00am, and I hear Emma cooing through the nursery monitor. I walk into her room and look down on her in her crib. She flashes a huge toothless, gummy smile, wriggles and squeals in delight, then reaches out her arms for me to pick her up. Later that same day, Jonathan struggles with a word in one of his books, repeating the sounds over and over again until it suddenly clicks. He says the word out loud and you can hear the satisfaction and the joy of discovery in his voice and literally see it glowing in his face. He laughs out loud, amazed.

Two is so much more than Two. It's Exponential.

Riddles for You..

I entertain my son with riddles after school. Here's my latest.

Riddle One
What has feet but cannot walk, tells you distances but cannot talk?

Riddle Two
What has spine but no bones, words but no mouth, leaves but no branches?

The Tournament

In the spirit of March Madness. I am thinking about creating a tourney format to decide my jersey choice for 2008. The field is as follows:

Bengal Greats Division:
Boomer
Collinsworth
Brooks
Munoz
Jim Breech
Ken Riley
Ken Anderson

Current Players Division:
Willie Anderson
Chinidum Ndukwe
Shayne Graham
Robert Geathers
Ahmad Brooks
TJ Houshmanzadeh

Novelty Division

KiJana Carter
David Klingler
Neil Rackers
Number 1 Fan (already taken..is it like Highlander?)
Jobu #12
C - Dawg #75
Mike Brown...what would his number be? 0 for number of Super Bowl Appearances or maybe 91 for the year Mike took over?

I know this bracket is uneven - I am going to have to come another division or a bye system. I also welcome any entries and suggestions.

Bengals 2008 Season

I recently had to mail in my check for this year's season tickets. My seat license in finally paid off. This concept is marketing genius and complete consumer bamboozlement. You pay enormous sums of money for the privledge of spending more money to buy a seat in the upper deck where you freeze your ass off and spend $7.00 on beer in plastic bottles, watching what has lately been a dissapointing team. My seats are under cover though...

Never the less, this is going to be a big year for me, as I need a new jersey. Justin Smith, my "high-motor" having #90 has gone to San Francisco, home of the hated 49's. Picking a new jersey is tough because in a drunken stadium, you can been ridiculed for wearing the wrong one. Poor guys who bit on the Akili jersey or maybe the Klingler have been laughed out of the stadium. Although now that the pain is dulled with time, they might be hilarious to wear.....I might need to look for one on Ebay.

My jersey selection critera and selection process is very rigid. I like defensive players or non-spotlight guys like line men or full backs or even special teamers. I like high character guys - I don't want to be like the 50,000 people who had Odell jersey's the past 2 years and were covering the name with Duct Tape. I also like guys that are going to be around for atleast 3+ years since jersey's are damn expensive plus they look better as they get worn out. I also don't necessarily want to have the same jersey as everyone else. That means typically no Chad, Carson, TJ or the latest 1st round draft pick.

The way I see it, I have 5 months until training camp, so I better start now. I'll be breaking down players and options in future entries.

Patcher Sealer

This weekend I did something I haven't done since I was 12. I built an snow fort!!! I accomplished this feat with my wife, and the instruction and assistance of my sister. In a testament to just how cool my sister is, she recently purchased "snow forms" that she

found in a junk shop - just in case a snow like this happened. The snow forms make approximately 6 x 6x 10 inch bricks - which are marvelous for fort making. But the key to success was the Patcher Sealer. Patcher Sealer was a term my sister and I have used since we were kids playing in the sandbox, it refers to any substance used to both patch and seal. Its form varies depending on the situation, but in this case, Patcher Sealer was additional snow packed around and inbetwen the cracks and bricks to re-inforce the structure and allow for the gradual curving of the walls to form a roof. Without Liz's stern and unyielding instistence on tremendous amounts of Patcher Sealer - this structure would not have been possible. For the record, I am 32 and my sister is 29.

What Happened in Here?

There's things in life you just have to figure out for yourself. You can be given some basic instructions, maybe a demo or two but at the end of the day, its up to you to master the skill set. I believe, or atleast I have until recently that ass wiping was one of the skills.

After providing basic instruction on premise, technique, quality control, and disposal, one hopes that after an initial "learning" phase the student perfects their own technique and everyone moves forward....cleanly. The events of yesterday have made me question this view, and I may have to develop a 200 level class in remedial ass wiping for my 4 year old. I'll share my syllabus shortly, but let me tell you what has made this seem necessary.

I enter the kid's bathroom to clean it. The first thing I do is flip on the lights. I almost passed out. It looked like someone had powerwashed a monster truck after Mud-o-Rama in there. There were multiple large smears on the floor. Did someone try to draw with a melting Snickers Bar? I cannot nor do I want to imagine how that happened. Above floor level, from the physical evidence, it looks like the right hand became, shall we say, soiled. You could trace his steps:

The Flush Lever....Brown.
The Toilet Seat...Brown.
Toilet Lid....Brown.
Edge of Vanity Top, Right side...that's right...Brown.
Sink, Right side...Brown.
Soap Dispenser...Brown. (That motherfucker was thrown OUT right away!)

Atleast the physical evidence suggests hands were in fact washed. I blasted the whole room with Scrub N Bubbles and walked away for 20 minutes before returning, with a whole roll of paper towels. It was about as bad as it gets. So, I guess that along with evidence gathered while doing a load of my son's underwear - lets just say it was disgusting and I immediately threw out the Shout bottle afterwards - its time to go back to school.

I'm Still Here

Its been a while, I just haven't had anything to write about. For the 4 people that regularly check this page, I apologize.

I have a few new stories to tell - so I promise they'll be up soon. Besides - its not like my phone is ringing off the hook with buyers dying for my products.