I travel for business a fair amount. I recently made Gold Status which means I get to use the special security lanes, in theory I can get upgraded, and I get first pick of seats. But let me tell you what it really means. It means I spend a lot of time on planes and in airports. I know what you're thinking...poor baby, why's he outraged? Let me begin.
Security Lines: OK People. The rules haven't changed in quite some time. No liquids over 3 oz in your carry on. Ladies - this means no cosmetics in your purse, no water bottles, no cans of coke, no 18oz bottle of lotion for a 1 hour flight. And for the last time, YES you have to take your shoes off, and NO you cannot carry on your pocket knife, your tools, and NO you can't leave your keys in your pocket or expect that your WWF championship belt, or Rodeo Buckle - whatever the fuck that is will make it through the screener.
The Terminal: I just spent $500 for a ticket to Atlanta - now I get the opportunity to pay $9.99 for Internet access while I wait for my delayed flight out of some other over crowded hub? Then I get to wander the terminal looking for a power outlet to charge my laptop. Typically I see one, and begin to move in, when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see a fat guy in Khakis and a chic in suit dashing for the same outlet. I dive and go for a headfirst slide, but Fat Guy blocks the plate with ham sized calf and Suit Lady and I collide in a heap of power cords and spilled lattes.
The Plane: Being a medallion member, I usually get an exit row. The exit row is nice, don't get me wrong. But the exit rows are filled with the worst people. All the babes sit in the back of the plane on their way home from college. I get various forms of the travelling sales guy. Typically, I get FatGuy in the middle seat, his arms lapping over in a major violation of my airspace. I squeeze myself farther into the corner and try to work on my computer. FatGuy laughs uproariously at March of the Penguins on the monitor, but only when he isn't busy reading my screen. I type like I have alligator arms because I can neither extend my arms or bend my elbows as they are pinning by the cabin wall on one side and jello-like flesh on the other. Its a 4 hour flight, but don't worry - I was given 9 peanuts and a half a coke by a surly flight attendant. In the meantime, FatGuy spell checked my last emails and made some key grammar suggestions.
De-Planing - Seriously...how hard is it. We land and we are taxi-ing for like 10 minutes. Everyone knows the time is coming when we will begin deplaning. So my advice is to get your shit organized and get ready to get off the plane. But every time the plane stops and the bell goes off - it's complete pandemonium. Holy Shit....We're Were!!!(SURPRISE!!!) "Oh where's my bag, I need reorganize my purse, put my coat on, polish my championship belt." People are pulling suitcases down on each other, everyone stands up and blocks the aisle even though there's no where to go yet. When the do finally open the cabin doors - people stand around like cattle in a pen. Mooo, Mooo000...and Moooove it you slow piece of shit!! Get the fuck off the plane before Fatguy starts eating my right arm. He's been eyeing it for last 30 minutes after his peanuts ran out!!!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Reviews from the field.....The Ford Focus
Wow.
Those were the first words out of my mouth when I fumbled for the keys to open the trunk on a blustery Portland night. Clumsily I searched for the keyhole, shaking my head at disbelief that there was no button on the keychain.
Driving this car was like riding a time machine to the bad old days when the windows still operated via rollers, the rear view mirrors were operated by those Q-tip looking things, and the seats were controlled by a combination of cranks, levers and rods.
It did however have 3 features. They are as follows:
1) A modest, but just strong enough engine that gurgled more than it purred during acceleration
2) A single disk CD/MP3 Player - which I did not get the opportunity to test.
3) A convenient pen holder located just left of the shift nob. That's right, a molded indentation in the console with a plastic clip designed to hold (perfectly I might add) a Bic Round Stic Medium Ball Point Pen. Of all the features, of all the lack of features in this car, the purposeful inclusion, of what can only be the car equivalent of a pocket protector I find delightful!
The final and crowing feature for what has to be the nerdiest car I have driven. The PT may be the gayest, but you Ford Focus are with out doubt the Dorkiest!
I nominate this feature and this car for rental car of the year. That's right the Ford Focus. For making me walk around and manually locking all the doors. That's right, for making me look like an idiot as I struggled with the window roller at the Mc Donalds parking lot! For gurgling down the highway, while I wished I had a CD to play!
Congratulations!!!
Images to follow.
Those were the first words out of my mouth when I fumbled for the keys to open the trunk on a blustery Portland night. Clumsily I searched for the keyhole, shaking my head at disbelief that there was no button on the keychain.
Driving this car was like riding a time machine to the bad old days when the windows still operated via rollers, the rear view mirrors were operated by those Q-tip looking things, and the seats were controlled by a combination of cranks, levers and rods.
It did however have 3 features. They are as follows:
1) A modest, but just strong enough engine that gurgled more than it purred during acceleration
2) A single disk CD/MP3 Player - which I did not get the opportunity to test.
3) A convenient pen holder located just left of the shift nob. That's right, a molded indentation in the console with a plastic clip designed to hold (perfectly I might add) a Bic Round Stic Medium Ball Point Pen. Of all the features, of all the lack of features in this car, the purposeful inclusion, of what can only be the car equivalent of a pocket protector I find delightful!
The final and crowing feature for what has to be the nerdiest car I have driven. The PT may be the gayest, but you Ford Focus are with out doubt the Dorkiest!
I nominate this feature and this car for rental car of the year. That's right the Ford Focus. For making me walk around and manually locking all the doors. That's right, for making me look like an idiot as I struggled with the window roller at the Mc Donalds parking lot! For gurgling down the highway, while I wished I had a CD to play!
Congratulations!!!
Images to follow.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Disturbing Things I Have Heard Myself Say...
I realized last night as I was trying to get my daughter to sleep, that if I ever heard the phrases I was using, coming from the mouth of a boyfriend.....I might have to kill him.
I was trying to convince her to take the pacifier. The struggled sounded like this:
"You know you want it"
"You'll like it...it'll help you fall asleep."
"Put it in your mouth and suck on it!"
"Come on Sugar, Just Trrryyyy it!!"
"You'll make Daddy really happy if keep it in your mouth."
"Come on...Take IT!!"
"Don't spit it out."
"Ohhhh....you were so close, why'd you do that?!"
This is about the point in the struggle when my Filth-O-Meter went off in my head. I suddenly felt very, very dirty and as I looked down at my now quiet baby girl I was filled with dread over her coming of age and the certain knowledge that filthy little boys like me would be trying to get in her pants. I know she's only 5 weeks old, but I don't think its too early to buy a shotgun and start building my reputation around town. If word gets out that just like any other Dad I'm protective of my daughter, but overtime they all realize I'm also crazy and heavily armed - it might dissaude those hormone charged rascals of more sinister intent. Then I can deal with the brave and foolish ones who come to my doorstep one at a time....
I was trying to convince her to take the pacifier. The struggled sounded like this:
"You know you want it"
"You'll like it...it'll help you fall asleep."
"Put it in your mouth and suck on it!"
"Come on Sugar, Just Trrryyyy it!!"
"You'll make Daddy really happy if keep it in your mouth."
"Come on...Take IT!!"
"Don't spit it out."
"Ohhhh....you were so close, why'd you do that?!"
This is about the point in the struggle when my Filth-O-Meter went off in my head. I suddenly felt very, very dirty and as I looked down at my now quiet baby girl I was filled with dread over her coming of age and the certain knowledge that filthy little boys like me would be trying to get in her pants. I know she's only 5 weeks old, but I don't think its too early to buy a shotgun and start building my reputation around town. If word gets out that just like any other Dad I'm protective of my daughter, but overtime they all realize I'm also crazy and heavily armed - it might dissaude those hormone charged rascals of more sinister intent. Then I can deal with the brave and foolish ones who come to my doorstep one at a time....
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Just Shit Already!!!!
As I type this, my one month old daughter sleeps in her carrier on my chest...for now. The past few nights have been some what concerning as she hasn't slept great. The reason she isn't sleeping great, I am quite confident is because she hasn't shat in 3 Freaking Days!!!
I never thought I would fervently be hoping, cheering and waiting for a bowel movement. (mine or someone else's). Every gasp, every grunt, every wail in the night - I think....this could be it - this could be the time!! I race in, diaper in hand, only to discover her face all screwed up and her legs thrashing. I've tried to help too. I've held her upside down, patted her back, fed her mom Mexican - all no avail thus far.
Unless you've lived it, you have now idea how important this Poo is. It's so important, I just capitalized Poo. Until she works it out, there will be no routine in the house. Without any routine, the smallest tasks become challenges. Sleep is by shift. Eating is one handed. Hearing the TV is next to impossible. Sleeping next to my wife and even the faintest possibility of sex is so far off, you couldn't see it with the Hubble Telescope. I thought an unchaste thought yesterday, and the baby started crying.
Come on Kid....Just Shit Already!!!
I never thought I would fervently be hoping, cheering and waiting for a bowel movement. (mine or someone else's). Every gasp, every grunt, every wail in the night - I think....this could be it - this could be the time!! I race in, diaper in hand, only to discover her face all screwed up and her legs thrashing. I've tried to help too. I've held her upside down, patted her back, fed her mom Mexican - all no avail thus far.
Unless you've lived it, you have now idea how important this Poo is. It's so important, I just capitalized Poo. Until she works it out, there will be no routine in the house. Without any routine, the smallest tasks become challenges. Sleep is by shift. Eating is one handed. Hearing the TV is next to impossible. Sleeping next to my wife and even the faintest possibility of sex is so far off, you couldn't see it with the Hubble Telescope. I thought an unchaste thought yesterday, and the baby started crying.
Come on Kid....Just Shit Already!!!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Week 13 - Mud Westling in Pittsburg!!
Of course I write bad about the Bengals and they go dominate Tennessee. But this week may be different. They face two challenges – The division leading Pittsburg Steelers and the mud puddle that is currently Heinz Field.
In seeking advice for this weeks contest, I reached out to former Phi Kappa Alpha mud wrestling champ, Brandi Zeller for some tips to securing a Bengal Win in what may be a very dirty, messy game.
Me: So Brandi, I’m real big fan of yours. I loved that match against Tiffany Brewster back in 1998 over at Tony Bishop’s Kegger. You really took it to her! So about the game, how do the Bengals need to get mentally prepared for this type playing surface?
Brandi: Thanks Chris, to be honest I don’t remember that night or much about college in general, but I think the Bengals should definitely take a few shots early in the game.
Me: You mean down field? Won’t that be hazardous given the bad footing for route running and pass blocking?
Brandi: No, I mean shots of booze- you to know to help them relax. I always got nervous before a big match….
Me: I think their coaches do that already and I know I have to have several drinks before I watch them. What about technique pointers for function on the slippery terrain?
Brandi: Well, I think it’s important to stay low and attack first. Momentum is like soooo important! Sometimes if I made the first move, the other girl would accidentally fall backwards, and I’d wind up on top and the crowd would go nuts!!! That’s when I knew I was doing good!
Me: So you’re saying the Bengals should be very aggressive both offensively and defensively, maintain the proper pad level during their blocks, and get momentum on their side and keep the Steeler crowd out of the game.
Brandi: (applying lipstick..) Did I say that?
There you have it fans – the keys to victory!
Don’t forget there’s a huge Thursday night game this week with The Green Bay Packers taking on the Dallas Cowboys. Its Brett Favre vs his wannabe successor, Tony Romo. Packer John – I support you and your team this week and I predict that Favre and company will roll to victory in a huge match up of 10 and 1 teams. Go Pack! Donald Driver forever – TO…..NEVER!!!
In seeking advice for this weeks contest, I reached out to former Phi Kappa Alpha mud wrestling champ, Brandi Zeller for some tips to securing a Bengal Win in what may be a very dirty, messy game.
Me: So Brandi, I’m real big fan of yours. I loved that match against Tiffany Brewster back in 1998 over at Tony Bishop’s Kegger. You really took it to her! So about the game, how do the Bengals need to get mentally prepared for this type playing surface?
Brandi: Thanks Chris, to be honest I don’t remember that night or much about college in general, but I think the Bengals should definitely take a few shots early in the game.
Me: You mean down field? Won’t that be hazardous given the bad footing for route running and pass blocking?
Brandi: No, I mean shots of booze- you to know to help them relax. I always got nervous before a big match….
Me: I think their coaches do that already and I know I have to have several drinks before I watch them. What about technique pointers for function on the slippery terrain?
Brandi: Well, I think it’s important to stay low and attack first. Momentum is like soooo important! Sometimes if I made the first move, the other girl would accidentally fall backwards, and I’d wind up on top and the crowd would go nuts!!! That’s when I knew I was doing good!
Me: So you’re saying the Bengals should be very aggressive both offensively and defensively, maintain the proper pad level during their blocks, and get momentum on their side and keep the Steeler crowd out of the game.
Brandi: (applying lipstick..) Did I say that?
There you have it fans – the keys to victory!
Don’t forget there’s a huge Thursday night game this week with The Green Bay Packers taking on the Dallas Cowboys. Its Brett Favre vs his wannabe successor, Tony Romo. Packer John – I support you and your team this week and I predict that Favre and company will roll to victory in a huge match up of 10 and 1 teams. Go Pack! Donald Driver forever – TO…..NEVER!!!
Friday, November 23, 2007
Football Week 12 - Return of the Bungles...
I cannot take anymore. Carson Palmer throwing 4 interceptions, 2 for a score. Special Teams and Defense play a decent game and the offense tanks it. Being a season ticket holder, I will be at the game this week - but here is my alternate list of things to do, besides watching Vince Young roll all over us on the field.
Barge Watch - an old favorite of mine. Place bets with friends on when the first barge will come by the stadium. Double down and pick what type of barge and what direction of travel. Could be Coal heading upriver? Garbage heading down? or a Chemical Barge in the 1st Quarter heading downstream. Hours of entertainment.
Escalator Bingo - Players bet on when the escalators on both ends of the field begin going down instead of up. If lucky you could see a rare 3rd quarter reversal, most times the reversal happens with 5 minutes or so remaining in the game.
Taunting - No silly - not opposing team's players or fans - ours. Nothing deserves heckling more than Chris Henry mugging for the cameras in a losing effort after he served an 8 game suspension that undoubtedly played a factor in our record after the first 8 games.
File a complaint-Call the jerk line on Marvin Lewis, Chad, Carson and Jonathan Joseph for impersonation of an NFL team, getting our hopes up in August and then crushing them once again. Move from section to section and use a Tracphone so you won't get traced.
Leave Early - If all of the above fail to amuse you, then there is nothing so exhilarating as leaving early - especially before halftime. You can go out for a beer, go home and rake leaves - play with the kids - sneak in 9 holes - they is so much you can do when you suddenly have your Sunday back.
That is the message people. Take back your Sunday! Don't waste it on the Bengals any more. Liberate yourself from the cycle of pain and depression...before its too late.
Barge Watch - an old favorite of mine. Place bets with friends on when the first barge will come by the stadium. Double down and pick what type of barge and what direction of travel. Could be Coal heading upriver? Garbage heading down? or a Chemical Barge in the 1st Quarter heading downstream. Hours of entertainment.
Escalator Bingo - Players bet on when the escalators on both ends of the field begin going down instead of up. If lucky you could see a rare 3rd quarter reversal, most times the reversal happens with 5 minutes or so remaining in the game.
Taunting - No silly - not opposing team's players or fans - ours. Nothing deserves heckling more than Chris Henry mugging for the cameras in a losing effort after he served an 8 game suspension that undoubtedly played a factor in our record after the first 8 games.
File a complaint-Call the jerk line on Marvin Lewis, Chad, Carson and Jonathan Joseph for impersonation of an NFL team, getting our hopes up in August and then crushing them once again. Move from section to section and use a Tracphone so you won't get traced.
Leave Early - If all of the above fail to amuse you, then there is nothing so exhilarating as leaving early - especially before halftime. You can go out for a beer, go home and rake leaves - play with the kids - sneak in 9 holes - they is so much you can do when you suddenly have your Sunday back.
That is the message people. Take back your Sunday! Don't waste it on the Bengals any more. Liberate yourself from the cycle of pain and depression...before its too late.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Things That Outrage Me Part 1
I cannot stand it when I pull into the grocery store looking for a parking spot somewhere close to the door and just when I think I spot one between the endless rows of SUV's and mini vans, I discover some lazy asshole has left their cart right in the middle of the damned parking spot when the cart corral is only 3 spaces away!
Then as I hike into the store, I have plenty of time to survey the rest of the parking lot. It's complete pandemonium! Carts in the flower beds, cards in between parking spots, carts in the middle of the road!
Inevitably some poor pimply faced, bad-hair having 16 year old is trying to wrestle all the carts back into the store, but he cannot keep up. Then your car gets a dent in it from a runaway cart, there's no dry carts on rainy day, and the only carts inside are the ones with the crooked wheels that drive like Lindsey Lohan after her usual breakfast cocktails.
Its a pretty simple concept people! Shopping Carts go in the Shopping Cart Corrals! That's it! They don't get wedged between your bumper and the next car, up in the mulch, or in the next spot. It's real freaking simple! 90% of the people do it right - why can't you?! Do you think your special?
You know what I think?!
I think maybe you are a lazy, selfish asshole! If you don't have the energy to push your cart up three rows, maybe you shouldn't a picked up that 3rd pack of HoHo's and spent your entire morning on your fat ass watching that Gilmore Girl's marathon all day on Lifetime. No wonder Type 2 diabetes and heart disease are epidemic!
If its OK to leave your cart in the middle of the parking lot, what other rules don't apply to you. Red Lights? Tax Laws? Homicide? Where do you draw the line? And that is the root issue here - people who think they have a freaking line item veto on the Rules. Because they are special, they apparently can inconvenience everyone else, do as they please and in the process be a complete and total douche bag.
Well I have had it, and I will continue to point out examples of world class douchery wherever and whenever I find it! Like cockroaches in the night, I hope they scatter when the bright light of my innocence and intellect fixes them in its beam. This is my promise to you. Until next time.
Then as I hike into the store, I have plenty of time to survey the rest of the parking lot. It's complete pandemonium! Carts in the flower beds, cards in between parking spots, carts in the middle of the road!
Inevitably some poor pimply faced, bad-hair having 16 year old is trying to wrestle all the carts back into the store, but he cannot keep up. Then your car gets a dent in it from a runaway cart, there's no dry carts on rainy day, and the only carts inside are the ones with the crooked wheels that drive like Lindsey Lohan after her usual breakfast cocktails.
Its a pretty simple concept people! Shopping Carts go in the Shopping Cart Corrals! That's it! They don't get wedged between your bumper and the next car, up in the mulch, or in the next spot. It's real freaking simple! 90% of the people do it right - why can't you?! Do you think your special?
You know what I think?!
I think maybe you are a lazy, selfish asshole! If you don't have the energy to push your cart up three rows, maybe you shouldn't a picked up that 3rd pack of HoHo's and spent your entire morning on your fat ass watching that Gilmore Girl's marathon all day on Lifetime. No wonder Type 2 diabetes and heart disease are epidemic!
If its OK to leave your cart in the middle of the parking lot, what other rules don't apply to you. Red Lights? Tax Laws? Homicide? Where do you draw the line? And that is the root issue here - people who think they have a freaking line item veto on the Rules. Because they are special, they apparently can inconvenience everyone else, do as they please and in the process be a complete and total douche bag.
Well I have had it, and I will continue to point out examples of world class douchery wherever and whenever I find it! Like cockroaches in the night, I hope they scatter when the bright light of my innocence and intellect fixes them in its beam. This is my promise to you. Until next time.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Things I am Outraged Over...
There are few things I like more than a well played rant. My natural writing voice lends itself to the format and so I am starting a new series of entries which shall be titled: Things I am Outraged Over. The content will be far ranging and I could pull material from any facet of our existence. The more trivial...the better.
Stay tuned...
Stay tuned...
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Sunday, Bloody Sunday.......
Strap on your helmets and get under your desks. Buy emergency supplies and gas up the generator. I am elevating the bomb threat level to Red....bright, bloody Cardinal Red!!! Our secondary is going up against one of the best receiving cores in the league, with Boldin, Fitgerald and Bryant Johnson all with big play abilities and a quarterback who knows how to throw bombs. Opposing them will be the battered combination of Leon "Where'd he go?!" Hall, Deltha " Every Other Play, On Every other Day, Is when I Play" O'Neal, and Jonathan "What Sophomore Slump?" Joseph.
Sure, I'm concerned. Do things look bleak? Absolutely. Are the playoffs completely out of the picture? It would a travesty, a crime against humanity if the Bengals lose this week at home. This game, this week, each play and each series we get to write our destiny on the pages of history. Is the season over?? What will become of us and what are we to do?In these dark times, when our fates hang on the razors edge, Bengal Fans, I implore you to seek solace in the words and the advice of Winston Churchill.
When the Blitz rained down on London, Nazi Bombers darkened the skies overhead, and all seemed lost - did Winston Churchill hide and wave the white flag...NO. When the people grew frightened and asked what they should do, this was his reply.
"You ask what is our policy. I will say, it is to wage war with all our might, with all the strength that God can give us, to wage war against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime.
"You ask what is our aim? I can answer in one word: Victory. Victory at all costs. Victory in spite of all terror. Victory however long and hard the road may be. For without victory there is no survival."
And for the Bengals, without victory there is no survival. And so we strap them up and lace them up and prepare to do battle against those who would destroy our season and our very Orange and Black Bengal way of life. From my Bunker, defending the Southern approaches to Paul Brown Stadium, I raise my fist in defiance and prepare for Sunday, Bloody Sunday.
Sure, I'm concerned. Do things look bleak? Absolutely. Are the playoffs completely out of the picture? It would a travesty, a crime against humanity if the Bengals lose this week at home. This game, this week, each play and each series we get to write our destiny on the pages of history. Is the season over?? What will become of us and what are we to do?In these dark times, when our fates hang on the razors edge, Bengal Fans, I implore you to seek solace in the words and the advice of Winston Churchill.
When the Blitz rained down on London, Nazi Bombers darkened the skies overhead, and all seemed lost - did Winston Churchill hide and wave the white flag...NO. When the people grew frightened and asked what they should do, this was his reply.
"You ask what is our policy. I will say, it is to wage war with all our might, with all the strength that God can give us, to wage war against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime.
"You ask what is our aim? I can answer in one word: Victory. Victory at all costs. Victory in spite of all terror. Victory however long and hard the road may be. For without victory there is no survival."
And for the Bengals, without victory there is no survival. And so we strap them up and lace them up and prepare to do battle against those who would destroy our season and our very Orange and Black Bengal way of life. From my Bunker, defending the Southern approaches to Paul Brown Stadium, I raise my fist in defiance and prepare for Sunday, Bloody Sunday.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Bengals v Ravens...The rematch
This game has all the drama of a cage match between Napoleon Dynamite and Pee Wee Herman. Sure somebody's going to win, punches will be thrown and hair pulled but nobody's watching at home to see two world class fighters at the top of their game. Instead its the novelty act, the 22 circus clowns stuffed onto the same field, trying to bungle and flap their way towards the end zone and an improbable victory.
Steve McNair and Willis McGahee, after being embarrassed by the Steelers on Monday night, have to be excited about the opportunity to face the Bengals defense. The revolving door at linebacker continues after an injury to Schlegel and our Charmin Corner's will continue to play squeezably soft. Expect a lot of perimeter runs and passes of the play action for big yardage.
When we have the ball, we'll try to get the ground game rolling against Baltimore's geriatric line. Since I have Rudi on my fantasy team, I am sure that won't work. But with several Baltimore secondary starters popping up on the injury report, Carson and company will try to go down field. Chris Henry is back and expected to contribute, if he doesn't get arrested before game time. Word has it, Marvin has him locked inside the stadium until time to catch the plane after this week's incident with a parking valet. Look up class in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of number 15. Lets hope he hasn't forgotten how to catch as apparently number 85 has.
Which brings me to my favorite part of last week's game: TJ holding a receiving clinic for Chad on the sidelines after another dropped pass. It looked like me showing my 4 year old how to catch!!
In summation, expect a sloppy game from both teams, Baltimore's at home and this may be the funniest thing I write all year...I predict a Bengal's win...27-21. Please check out the poll question - a new feature!!!!
Steve McNair and Willis McGahee, after being embarrassed by the Steelers on Monday night, have to be excited about the opportunity to face the Bengals defense. The revolving door at linebacker continues after an injury to Schlegel and our Charmin Corner's will continue to play squeezably soft. Expect a lot of perimeter runs and passes of the play action for big yardage.
When we have the ball, we'll try to get the ground game rolling against Baltimore's geriatric line. Since I have Rudi on my fantasy team, I am sure that won't work. But with several Baltimore secondary starters popping up on the injury report, Carson and company will try to go down field. Chris Henry is back and expected to contribute, if he doesn't get arrested before game time. Word has it, Marvin has him locked inside the stadium until time to catch the plane after this week's incident with a parking valet. Look up class in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of number 15. Lets hope he hasn't forgotten how to catch as apparently number 85 has.
Which brings me to my favorite part of last week's game: TJ holding a receiving clinic for Chad on the sidelines after another dropped pass. It looked like me showing my 4 year old how to catch!!
In summation, expect a sloppy game from both teams, Baltimore's at home and this may be the funniest thing I write all year...I predict a Bengal's win...27-21. Please check out the poll question - a new feature!!!!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
For the Confident, Treacherous Bogart!!!
I am really not sure what to say about this, except...when I saw it...I felt compelled to share it. I love the selling paragraph to the side, double click the image to enlarge. I want to wear a pair of these with a zucchini stuffed in them and ride public transportation and hang out (ha ha) on Fountain Square filming people's reactions. How soon would I be arrested??
How did this happen???!
"And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?"
Talking Heads, Once Upon a Life
I find it very hard to believe I have 2 kids. 2 kids...seems so much a bigger deal than 1. One kid, and you're starting a family, you're young and hip. I completely adore Emma. Jonathan is awesome. I have the best wife in the world. I am happy. (Which in and of itself sometimes feels weird.)But I gotta tell you, when Kid #2 come along, its like the Bureau of Stereotypes comes in while you're still in the hospital.
" I'm with the B.S. Just a couple questions before we let you go home. Great...Second Child? How old are you?"
"Yes, second child...I'm 31"
"Wonderful....I see you've lost most of your hair. Looks like you have a pretty sizable mortgage....that's excellent. Oh...and I see here it looks like you spend a fair amount of time worrying about your 401-K. We really like to see that! Any urges to buy a Sports Car, or cheat on your wife, quit your job and start a dairy farm?"
"No, but I did run a triathlon last month, I am planning on doing a marathon this spring and I have found myself very absorbed in Sports the past few years. Is that normal?"
"Oh perfectly normal, we see it all the time. You're interest in racing in simply you trying to convince yourself that 30 doesn't mean your over the hill. The obsession with sports, also common in the over 30 non athlete is you trying to identify yourself with younger, richer more virile males.
"OK Good that's a relief I guess, so now what?"
"Well...I suggest going home. Do you have a minivan or an SUV?"
"We have a Jeep Cherokee."
"Great...well, I'll check back in a couple years. I'd really like to see you add a few pounds to your mid section, get that BP and Cholesterol up. Hopefully we can start start talking about Type 2 Diabetes. Maybe you should consider making an irrational purchase like a hot tub or a boat. Also, start thinking about that Disney vacation."
"Gee thanks, so uh I guess this is it....?"
"This is it, see you in a few years!"
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?"
Talking Heads, Once Upon a Life
I find it very hard to believe I have 2 kids. 2 kids...seems so much a bigger deal than 1. One kid, and you're starting a family, you're young and hip. I completely adore Emma. Jonathan is awesome. I have the best wife in the world. I am happy. (Which in and of itself sometimes feels weird.)But I gotta tell you, when Kid #2 come along, its like the Bureau of Stereotypes comes in while you're still in the hospital.
" I'm with the B.S. Just a couple questions before we let you go home. Great...Second Child? How old are you?"
"Yes, second child...I'm 31"
"Wonderful....I see you've lost most of your hair. Looks like you have a pretty sizable mortgage....that's excellent. Oh...and I see here it looks like you spend a fair amount of time worrying about your 401-K. We really like to see that! Any urges to buy a Sports Car, or cheat on your wife, quit your job and start a dairy farm?"
"No, but I did run a triathlon last month, I am planning on doing a marathon this spring and I have found myself very absorbed in Sports the past few years. Is that normal?"
"Oh perfectly normal, we see it all the time. You're interest in racing in simply you trying to convince yourself that 30 doesn't mean your over the hill. The obsession with sports, also common in the over 30 non athlete is you trying to identify yourself with younger, richer more virile males.
"OK Good that's a relief I guess, so now what?"
"Well...I suggest going home. Do you have a minivan or an SUV?"
"We have a Jeep Cherokee."
"Great...well, I'll check back in a couple years. I'd really like to see you add a few pounds to your mid section, get that BP and Cholesterol up. Hopefully we can start start talking about Type 2 Diabetes. Maybe you should consider making an irrational purchase like a hot tub or a boat. Also, start thinking about that Disney vacation."
"Gee thanks, so uh I guess this is it....?"
"This is it, see you in a few years!"
Friday, November 2, 2007
Obituary
The 2007 Bengals Play-Off Hopes died this past Sunday, taken too soon from this earth after only 7 games. The Hope had been frail this year, suffering many injuries which depleted an already frail body decimated by suspensions, free angency and bad draft decisions. Hope is survived by her sisters, Misery, Disbelief, Despair and a brother, Rage.
Marvin Lewis spoke at the wake, giggling "We've all got to try and do our jobs and move forward." He blabbered on about responsibility, selfishness and challenges of surviving in the league without stopping the other team.
Ahmad Brooks was supposed to speak, but reinjured his groin on the way to the podium . Odell Thurman was present, and was so distraught he skipped an AA meeting to keep his former team mates company at the bar. I last saw him leading Chris Henry and Reggie Neal in rousing game of beer pong.
Marvin, Chad, Carson and TJ were seen arguing over who should be at what position when the casket was carried out. The discussion became so heated that TJ angrily threw his hat. Then Carson and Marvin staggered under the addition weight when Chad suddenly left the procession to go find his special funeral shoes and casket handling gloves.
As of right now, the Bengals are in position for the 8th pick in the draft in 2008, where we will all join for the rebirth of Hope
Marvin Lewis spoke at the wake, giggling "We've all got to try and do our jobs and move forward." He blabbered on about responsibility, selfishness and challenges of surviving in the league without stopping the other team.
Ahmad Brooks was supposed to speak, but reinjured his groin on the way to the podium . Odell Thurman was present, and was so distraught he skipped an AA meeting to keep his former team mates company at the bar. I last saw him leading Chris Henry and Reggie Neal in rousing game of beer pong.
Marvin, Chad, Carson and TJ were seen arguing over who should be at what position when the casket was carried out. The discussion became so heated that TJ angrily threw his hat. Then Carson and Marvin staggered under the addition weight when Chad suddenly left the procession to go find his special funeral shoes and casket handling gloves.
As of right now, the Bengals are in position for the 8th pick in the draft in 2008, where we will all join for the rebirth of Hope
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Things People Buy.....
I am a question asker. After seeing this item for sale in the Sky Mall Magazine, I asked the following: 1) Why are 2 of the knobs so much longer than the others? 2) What is the look on this lady's face all about.
I think this is just the thing for a deep penetrating massage. And I think this model is hoping she gets to keep the sample.
Just my thoughts...
Friday, October 26, 2007
No Senator Craig, This Is Not My PT...
Travelling as I frequently do for business, I get to enjoy the rental car experience very frequently. I have an adventurous spirit and I always reserve the economy or small car option. Not only is it cheaper, but sometimes the rental companies will be out of econo cars and you get a free upgrade. This past trip to Minnesota, was not one of those trips.
I have ridden in lots of crappy small cars with my knees in my ears and my luggage in my lap: Cobalts, Neons, Kia Spectrums, Hyundai’s. With the exception of the Spectrum, they all sucked. But my most recent rental sucked like the Senator from Minnesota in a corner bathroom stall.
My departure from Avis was delayed because I couldn't find the window controls - oh there they were, on the center of the console just beneath the CD player - that's intuitive placement!
Merging onto the express way, was like walking through Over the Rhine in a Klan Robe - taking your life into your hands and placing faith in the kindness and generosity of total strangers. It was late and I was in a hurry to get to Eau Claire. (Once I got there, I wondered what my hurry was....) I accelerated down I-94, the engine screaming, chassis shaking, tachometer inching past 3 , this fine piece of engineering working overtime to get me to the jowl-shaking speed of 55. At one point I checked the worlds dumbest shift knob (Imagine an oversized Blo-Pop) - to make sure I wasn't in 2nd gear.
The Trunk was more like an expanded glovebox and the backseat might have sat Vern Troyer and a large coke comfortably.
The only thing worse than driving this piece of domestic doo-doo, was knowing how unbelievably (insert insult here...lame, dumb, gay, loserish) I looked. The hotel clerk snickered when I told her what I was driving and then she asked me to give an opinion on her hair. What was that about? Old men gave me the finger and laughed when they passed me in their Buick's. One threw his Colostomy Bag at me. By the way - the windshield wipers suck too.
I have ridden in lots of crappy small cars with my knees in my ears and my luggage in my lap: Cobalts, Neons, Kia Spectrums, Hyundai’s. With the exception of the Spectrum, they all sucked. But my most recent rental sucked like the Senator from Minnesota in a corner bathroom stall.
My departure from Avis was delayed because I couldn't find the window controls - oh there they were, on the center of the console just beneath the CD player - that's intuitive placement!
Merging onto the express way, was like walking through Over the Rhine in a Klan Robe - taking your life into your hands and placing faith in the kindness and generosity of total strangers. It was late and I was in a hurry to get to Eau Claire. (Once I got there, I wondered what my hurry was....) I accelerated down I-94, the engine screaming, chassis shaking, tachometer inching past 3 , this fine piece of engineering working overtime to get me to the jowl-shaking speed of 55. At one point I checked the worlds dumbest shift knob (Imagine an oversized Blo-Pop) - to make sure I wasn't in 2nd gear.
The Trunk was more like an expanded glovebox and the backseat might have sat Vern Troyer and a large coke comfortably.
The only thing worse than driving this piece of domestic doo-doo, was knowing how unbelievably (insert insult here...lame, dumb, gay, loserish) I looked. The hotel clerk snickered when I told her what I was driving and then she asked me to give an opinion on her hair. What was that about? Old men gave me the finger and laughed when they passed me in their Buick's. One threw his Colostomy Bag at me. By the way - the windshield wipers suck too.
Is There a Linebacker in the House???
The ominous silence in the room is broken up by the dutiful whirr of the respirator. It’s rhythmic pumping punctuated only by the beeping of the heart monitor.
The Doctor increasingly frustrated with his patient’s condition, slams the chart down.
“Damn it! What this patient needs is a win. I’m a Doctor…not a linebacker!”
The 2007 Bengals lay on life support, a strong second half effort against the not so strong Jets kept the respirator running for another week. But the Doctor isn’t worried about Gang Green setting in anymore….now he has turned his attention to an even more deadly pestilence…Yellow Fever.
The Pittsburg Steelers bring their daunting defense, that grinning bastard Hines Ward and Fast Willie Parker to PBS on Sunday, along with someone who knows a thing or two about the ICU – Ben “Unbreakable” Roethlisberger. In years past during Steeler week, the stadium has looked like Heinz Field West, an outbreak twirling yellowness of that size could spell defeat for Cincinnati and a virtual end to any playoff hopes. The Jungle turned in a key play last week on a fumbled snap by Chad Pennington and a recovery by Domata Peko. The bad snap was the direct result of a boisterous crowd.
Our defense has been in a coma since week 1, we need them this Sunday , only one thing can save them, and that one thing is you. Do you want the Bengals to pull though? Do you want them to live in hopes of the playoffs for another week? Will you take action, or will you just stand there and heartlessly watch them die on the bed? There’s only one thing you can do. There’s only one thing you must do. They say that speaking to coma patients can help them recover. If talking can heal, screaming must be better. Sunday when the Steelers have the ball, clap your hands, and yell at the top of your lungs. Slam your hands on the backs of the seats in front of you and scream like William Wallace attacking the King’s Men. I don’t care if you sitting on the 50 yard line or on your fake leather couch….yell until your larynx shatters and spittle flies from your chapped bruised lips.
Kick off is at 1:00pm, I hope to hear you there.
The Doctor increasingly frustrated with his patient’s condition, slams the chart down.
“Damn it! What this patient needs is a win. I’m a Doctor…not a linebacker!”
The 2007 Bengals lay on life support, a strong second half effort against the not so strong Jets kept the respirator running for another week. But the Doctor isn’t worried about Gang Green setting in anymore….now he has turned his attention to an even more deadly pestilence…Yellow Fever.
The Pittsburg Steelers bring their daunting defense, that grinning bastard Hines Ward and Fast Willie Parker to PBS on Sunday, along with someone who knows a thing or two about the ICU – Ben “Unbreakable” Roethlisberger. In years past during Steeler week, the stadium has looked like Heinz Field West, an outbreak twirling yellowness of that size could spell defeat for Cincinnati and a virtual end to any playoff hopes. The Jungle turned in a key play last week on a fumbled snap by Chad Pennington and a recovery by Domata Peko. The bad snap was the direct result of a boisterous crowd.
Our defense has been in a coma since week 1, we need them this Sunday , only one thing can save them, and that one thing is you. Do you want the Bengals to pull though? Do you want them to live in hopes of the playoffs for another week? Will you take action, or will you just stand there and heartlessly watch them die on the bed? There’s only one thing you can do. There’s only one thing you must do. They say that speaking to coma patients can help them recover. If talking can heal, screaming must be better. Sunday when the Steelers have the ball, clap your hands, and yell at the top of your lungs. Slam your hands on the backs of the seats in front of you and scream like William Wallace attacking the King’s Men. I don’t care if you sitting on the 50 yard line or on your fake leather couch….yell until your larynx shatters and spittle flies from your chapped bruised lips.
Kick off is at 1:00pm, I hope to hear you there.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
This week in football
Once I stopped watching the football game on Sunday, I had a great day. Jonathan and I played football, did some yard work. It was a pleasant counter balance to the crap fest I watched for three quarters and the biggest waste of 4 deliciously cold High Life's since last week's game.
Here's some thoughts on what I did watch though.
How stupid did Jared Allen look while single handedly dominating our million dollar tackle, Levi Jones. He lost me somewhere between the handle bar mustache and the do-rag haphazardly placed on his head. By the third quarter I was so sick of looking at his big hee-haw grin-having face, I left the room.
There was also a technical malfunction with my signal where all the sound effects and background noises were crazy loud and all the announcers were too quiet to be heard. I dove for cover the first time the little digital blimp went by on the screen "BLERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!" Every graphic which popped up (like the one's detailing Jared Allen's sack figures, mustache length and hair product preferences) it was like a train roaring through the living room. "WHOOOOOOSHHHHH!" I also felt like sending Bill Billicheat a tape of the game, because I could hear all the signals being called. When Carson got hit, my kidney's and back hurt, when Chad ran the wrong route and the ball thudded into the ground, another little small orange and black piece of me died.
Those were the best parts of the game for me. This week we face the Jets, a team possibly as bad as we are. Only one will emerge with 2 wins. I will be at the game, and will report back. I make no predictions, no promises.
Here's some thoughts on what I did watch though.
How stupid did Jared Allen look while single handedly dominating our million dollar tackle, Levi Jones. He lost me somewhere between the handle bar mustache and the do-rag haphazardly placed on his head. By the third quarter I was so sick of looking at his big hee-haw grin-having face, I left the room.
There was also a technical malfunction with my signal where all the sound effects and background noises were crazy loud and all the announcers were too quiet to be heard. I dove for cover the first time the little digital blimp went by on the screen "BLERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!" Every graphic which popped up (like the one's detailing Jared Allen's sack figures, mustache length and hair product preferences) it was like a train roaring through the living room. "WHOOOOOOSHHHHH!" I also felt like sending Bill Billicheat a tape of the game, because I could hear all the signals being called. When Carson got hit, my kidney's and back hurt, when Chad ran the wrong route and the ball thudded into the ground, another little small orange and black piece of me died.
Those were the best parts of the game for me. This week we face the Jets, a team possibly as bad as we are. Only one will emerge with 2 wins. I will be at the game, and will report back. I make no predictions, no promises.
More Things Seen While Driving.....
As I drove down Kentucky 18, I found myself behind a Department of Fish and Wildlife Vehicle. This agency is responsible for preserving the natural resources of the state of Kentucky making sure that future generations can enjoy them. A noble calling if ever there was one...
I was shocked when I saw the ranger throw a cigarette butt out of the window. Now I was willing to give the department a pass for driving a huge Durango SUV - after all most of what the DFW does is regulate hunting and fishing and you need a 4 Wheel drive vehicle to do the job. But not littering.
This guy's probably on the way to a local school to give a talk on conservation. One would presume that this talk would involve things like not littering, being a good caretaker of the land, maybe fire safety. In fact I'm pretty sure littering is a ticketable offenses in the state of Kentucky or certainly fire safety violations are. But here's this asshole ranger getting 10 miles to the gallon, flicking cigarette butts out the door on his way to save Nature?!!!!
I suppose once he's driven 20 miles off road destroying wide swaths of natural habitat with his all-terrain tires vainly in search of someone to give a ticket to for fishing without a license, he'll get out and take a shit the creek, smoke another cigarette then throw the glowing butt in a pile dried pine needles. Then he might shovel all the McDonald's bags out of the back seat onto the ground and then do donuts through fragile ego systems.
After a hard day's work, he'll sit on his sofa on the front porch, sipping ice cold Milwaukee's Best tossing the cans over his shoulder, smoking and shooting squirrels with a 0.22 for fun.
Its good to know that the Department is training their people to really look out for the environment. I know I feel better about the future of Kentucky's natural treasures after watching this Treasure in action.
I was shocked when I saw the ranger throw a cigarette butt out of the window. Now I was willing to give the department a pass for driving a huge Durango SUV - after all most of what the DFW does is regulate hunting and fishing and you need a 4 Wheel drive vehicle to do the job. But not littering.
This guy's probably on the way to a local school to give a talk on conservation. One would presume that this talk would involve things like not littering, being a good caretaker of the land, maybe fire safety. In fact I'm pretty sure littering is a ticketable offenses in the state of Kentucky or certainly fire safety violations are. But here's this asshole ranger getting 10 miles to the gallon, flicking cigarette butts out the door on his way to save Nature?!!!!
I suppose once he's driven 20 miles off road destroying wide swaths of natural habitat with his all-terrain tires vainly in search of someone to give a ticket to for fishing without a license, he'll get out and take a shit the creek, smoke another cigarette then throw the glowing butt in a pile dried pine needles. Then he might shovel all the McDonald's bags out of the back seat onto the ground and then do donuts through fragile ego systems.
After a hard day's work, he'll sit on his sofa on the front porch, sipping ice cold Milwaukee's Best tossing the cans over his shoulder, smoking and shooting squirrels with a 0.22 for fun.
Its good to know that the Department is training their people to really look out for the environment. I know I feel better about the future of Kentucky's natural treasures after watching this Treasure in action.
Still waiting....
Number Two Kid is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against the Jets and looks to be a game time decision.
Jill aka "Mad Dog" clearly "getting up" for the game against the Jets, was quoted as saying, "Every night I go to bed angry. Everyday I wake up angry. I'll tell you right now, the pressure's building. I can't wait until Sunday! I'm gonna kill somebody!" Its that kind of passion that has made her a big part of this team, and all signs point to a big week for her coming up against Gang Green.
When asked if he was concerned about the availability of Kid #2 for Sunday, Coach replied "He'll get here when he gets here. All we can do right now is focus on the things we can control, take care of business and let the process take care of itself. Personally I feel he could be here today, but I'm not a doctor, so lets wait and see. Lets play with the players we have!"
Kid 1, was clearly enjoying the additional playing time he was getting thanks to Kid 2's delayed arrival . He also wasn't afraid to talk a little smack - perhaps trying to motivate his missing partner.
" I'm not ready yet. Its not Halloween yet. That Baby should wait a little bit."
All eyes on Timber Lane as we count the days, hours and minutes to kick-off.
Jill aka "Mad Dog" clearly "getting up" for the game against the Jets, was quoted as saying, "Every night I go to bed angry. Everyday I wake up angry. I'll tell you right now, the pressure's building. I can't wait until Sunday! I'm gonna kill somebody!" Its that kind of passion that has made her a big part of this team, and all signs point to a big week for her coming up against Gang Green.
When asked if he was concerned about the availability of Kid #2 for Sunday, Coach replied "He'll get here when he gets here. All we can do right now is focus on the things we can control, take care of business and let the process take care of itself. Personally I feel he could be here today, but I'm not a doctor, so lets wait and see. Lets play with the players we have!"
Kid 1, was clearly enjoying the additional playing time he was getting thanks to Kid 2's delayed arrival . He also wasn't afraid to talk a little smack - perhaps trying to motivate his missing partner.
" I'm not ready yet. Its not Halloween yet. That Baby should wait a little bit."
All eyes on Timber Lane as we count the days, hours and minutes to kick-off.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Bengals ER - A Prescription for Victory!!!
This Sunday Morning, the Bengals Team bus will slowly roll into Arrowhead Stadium, following closely behind will be a caravan of orange and black ambulances transporting our battered defense. And while our linebackers may be in bad shape, it’s the entire season that is on life support.
Can there be a miracle recovery? Here’s my prescription for a win on Sunday.
1 Dose of “Stop crying Chad and catch the balls when they are thrown to you.”
1 liquid ounce of “TJ, you can be a coach when you’re playing career is over. Run the route you’re assigned.”
One heaping cup full Kenny Watson breaking off some big runs.
Suspend all above in a solution of taking down Chief’s QB Huard. Repeat 3 times and shake him hard.
One Bushel of “Stop being stupid.” Distribute to entire team as they exit the locker room.
Back Braces and Heart Medicine for the entire O-Line. They need to stiffen up and present an enlarged cardial vessel in order to open up lanes for one Kenny Watson and give Carson the time he needs to go down field. Also order bigger shoes for Stacy Andrews who has to try and fill Willies this week.
Turnovers, Turnovers, Turnovers. We need ‘em like Angelina Jolie needs a dozen donuts…seriously how much weight has she lost?
One Special Teams….Be Special. We have to win the field position battle. Our paraplegic defense will need the whole field to chase down Larry Johnson. You need a lot of room to hit the right angles when your linebackers are all on Stephen Hawking mobiles.
Marvin Lewis, please remove your stethoscope, move the therapist’s couch out of your office, stop coddling these grown men and put your headset on. Get out your special Coaching Matches and light a fire under this team’s collective butt. I want to be able to smell the burnt butt hair all they way back here in Cincinnati. I want people flying around the field, putting on big hits and making plays like they did in week 1.
We do all this…and we will win. Oh yes…we will win.
Can there be a miracle recovery? Here’s my prescription for a win on Sunday.
1 Dose of “Stop crying Chad and catch the balls when they are thrown to you.”
1 liquid ounce of “TJ, you can be a coach when you’re playing career is over. Run the route you’re assigned.”
One heaping cup full Kenny Watson breaking off some big runs.
Suspend all above in a solution of taking down Chief’s QB Huard. Repeat 3 times and shake him hard.
One Bushel of “Stop being stupid.” Distribute to entire team as they exit the locker room.
Back Braces and Heart Medicine for the entire O-Line. They need to stiffen up and present an enlarged cardial vessel in order to open up lanes for one Kenny Watson and give Carson the time he needs to go down field. Also order bigger shoes for Stacy Andrews who has to try and fill Willies this week.
Turnovers, Turnovers, Turnovers. We need ‘em like Angelina Jolie needs a dozen donuts…seriously how much weight has she lost?
One Special Teams….Be Special. We have to win the field position battle. Our paraplegic defense will need the whole field to chase down Larry Johnson. You need a lot of room to hit the right angles when your linebackers are all on Stephen Hawking mobiles.
Marvin Lewis, please remove your stethoscope, move the therapist’s couch out of your office, stop coddling these grown men and put your headset on. Get out your special Coaching Matches and light a fire under this team’s collective butt. I want to be able to smell the burnt butt hair all they way back here in Cincinnati. I want people flying around the field, putting on big hits and making plays like they did in week 1.
We do all this…and we will win. Oh yes…we will win.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Waiting....
I knew we were in trouble when months ago, I witnessed my wife negotiate her due date with her Doctor.
"Well let me double check....no, it should be the 25th"
" I don't think so, I've felt pregnant since day one. Its the 18th. I cannot go backwards, I feel like I am at week X and I cannot handle being at week X-1"
"OK. (chuckles and shakes his head) How about this, I'll write down the 18th as your due date, but we'll take no action until the 25th if you haven't gone by then."
But after all that, last week at her regular exam, the Doc tells her she could go any day. That was almost 5 days ago. We were elated and excited frantically started preparing...now we're just waiting. My wife isn't sleeping well, she's pretty uncomfortable. She has had just enough contractions to be irritating and to get her hopes up. When they seem consistent, she gets hopeful and starts to time them and they will suddenly disappear. People call her constantly looking for baby updates which serves to intensify her frustration that nothing is happening. We've been trying everything to make this baby go.
Here's a few with comments:
Spicy Food: In addition to Skyline and Popeye's Fried Chicken with Hot Sauce, Jill's so desperate she agreed to go to an Indian restaurant. I love Indian food, I love "Make You Sweat" hot Indian Food, but Indian Food does horrible things to me. Our whole house smelled like Spicy, Curried Ass last night. She sat across the room from me, with her blanket over her nose waiting for contractions that never came...
Raspberry Leaf Tea: This Elixir is supposed to help kick start contractions. For the past 4 days, if I see my wife, she has a coffee cup in her hand. There are used up teabags all over the house. I loaded the dishwasher yesterday and there was like 15 mugs in the top rack when I was done. If the tea is working...its a slow brewing process.
Nesting: Obviously the baby is holding off because we don't have the car seat installed, the swing built, the bottles sterilized or its first car yet. Well we have done almost all of that. Our house is Baby Central. It looks like we just had sept-uplets. We don't have any at the moment.
Sex: That's right, its in all the books and I'm not afraid to talk about it. Talking is easy...doing it has become much much more complicated. I mean first you have to get Kid One in bed and asleep. Then you have to eat 15 Tums and a bottle of Mylanta to fight off the extreme heartburn from all the hot sauce we've been eating. Then you have to get your wife out of the bathroom, because she's drank 8 gallons of tea with a 7.5 pound bowling ball inside her belly sitting on her bladder. She's a little tentative because she's not sure all the Indian has been cooked off and is out of my system...and I don't blame her for being cautious. You get through all of that, and stay awake...its so shocking you're not sure what to do. Then you find out that nothing works like its supposed to...the angles are all wrong, the old methods don't work. We fumbled and struggled so hard to get to third base last night we passed out rounding third and heading to home! Maybe tonight....
"Well, everything looks great, based on the measurements I'm seeing we're going to set your due date at October 25."
"Are you sure? Because I am pretty sure its the 18th? I mean I actually felt the egg implanting on my uterine wall.""Well let me double check....no, it should be the 25th"
" I don't think so, I've felt pregnant since day one. Its the 18th. I cannot go backwards, I feel like I am at week X and I cannot handle being at week X-1"
"OK. (chuckles and shakes his head) How about this, I'll write down the 18th as your due date, but we'll take no action until the 25th if you haven't gone by then."
But after all that, last week at her regular exam, the Doc tells her she could go any day. That was almost 5 days ago. We were elated and excited frantically started preparing...now we're just waiting. My wife isn't sleeping well, she's pretty uncomfortable. She has had just enough contractions to be irritating and to get her hopes up. When they seem consistent, she gets hopeful and starts to time them and they will suddenly disappear. People call her constantly looking for baby updates which serves to intensify her frustration that nothing is happening. We've been trying everything to make this baby go.
Here's a few with comments:
Spicy Food: In addition to Skyline and Popeye's Fried Chicken with Hot Sauce, Jill's so desperate she agreed to go to an Indian restaurant. I love Indian food, I love "Make You Sweat" hot Indian Food, but Indian Food does horrible things to me. Our whole house smelled like Spicy, Curried Ass last night. She sat across the room from me, with her blanket over her nose waiting for contractions that never came...
Raspberry Leaf Tea: This Elixir is supposed to help kick start contractions. For the past 4 days, if I see my wife, she has a coffee cup in her hand. There are used up teabags all over the house. I loaded the dishwasher yesterday and there was like 15 mugs in the top rack when I was done. If the tea is working...its a slow brewing process.
Nesting: Obviously the baby is holding off because we don't have the car seat installed, the swing built, the bottles sterilized or its first car yet. Well we have done almost all of that. Our house is Baby Central. It looks like we just had sept-uplets. We don't have any at the moment.
Sex: That's right, its in all the books and I'm not afraid to talk about it. Talking is easy...doing it has become much much more complicated. I mean first you have to get Kid One in bed and asleep. Then you have to eat 15 Tums and a bottle of Mylanta to fight off the extreme heartburn from all the hot sauce we've been eating. Then you have to get your wife out of the bathroom, because she's drank 8 gallons of tea with a 7.5 pound bowling ball inside her belly sitting on her bladder. She's a little tentative because she's not sure all the Indian has been cooked off and is out of my system...and I don't blame her for being cautious. You get through all of that, and stay awake...its so shocking you're not sure what to do. Then you find out that nothing works like its supposed to...the angles are all wrong, the old methods don't work. We fumbled and struggled so hard to get to third base last night we passed out rounding third and heading to home! Maybe tonight....
Jumping: I saw my wife jumping up and down yesterday commanding the baby to hurry up. I always being one to lend a hand, led the family in some group jumping jacks. You haven't lived until you've seen a 9 Month pregnant lady, a 4 year old and a bald guy hopping around in a kitchen. Results: Nothing.
Walking: Physical activity is supposed to help. Every night Jill hops on the treadmill, hoping each step takes her closer to delivery. We walk up and down the sidewalk of our street. We walked across the river to the Bengals game. We'll probably try to walk the 20 miles to freaking work tomorrow. Net results so far...Nothing!
I'm out of ideas. If you have any, please comment and wish us luck.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
A Season Hanging in the Balance.
I know you all are expecting something up-lifting, something optimistic about the debacle on Monday Night. But you’re not going to get it! Grab your cafeteria tray, get in line, and get ready to receive two heaping, steaming, stinking scoopfuls of what I was force fed in the stands.
Thank God this is a bye week. Not because the Bengals have time to rest up, heal up and prep up for the Chiefs, but because I get a weekend off from the pain and suffering of being a Bengals fan. The past few weeks, on the morning after a game, I feel like instead of the players, the fans should report to the stadium for “treatment”. But since it is bye week, lets discuss the challenges I see for the 2007 version of the Cincinnati Bengals, unlike Marvin’s list, mine doesn’t spend much time on issues like “ Maturity” and “Selfishness.”
1. We. Need. Linebackers. If you are a non-smoker between the ages of 22 and 30 are close to 6.0” and weigh 200 lbs report to Paul Brown Stadium immediately. Seriously, how can any team beat the Patriots with 2 healthy linebackers in the second half, both of whom weren’t on your team in August.
2. We need a healthy stable offensive line. I am not sure why Big Willie’s still trying to start, but if he can’t go, and looks more and more like he can’t, then he needs to sit and let the Koistra era begin. I’m not sure what’s up between Levi and Whitworth, but let’s resolve it now. Our pass protection and running game will improve from the consistency and improved mobility.
3. We need to re-establish our running game. Granted, we’ve played from behind late in most games, but until we show opposing defenses we can hurt them on the ground, they will continue to double cover TJ and Chad and take away the deep vertical game. See Point 2 on how to get it back.
4. We do need to get healthy, and anyone who says “it’s not a valid excuse” is kidding themselves. Look at our PUP, Walking Wounded and IR list: Kenny Irons, Chris Perry, Lemar Marshall, Rudi, Tab Perry, David Pollack, Willie Anderson, Shane Graham, Ethan Kilmer, Rashad Jeanty, Ahmad Brooks, Caleb Miller, Eric Ghiaciuc. There’s a few on there I probably missed. We just got Antonio Chatman back. Those are all guys we counted on heading into the season.
5. Special Teams need to Be Special: It’s been tough the first 4 games and large portions of the blame can be placed on our special teams. Health, and free agency are contributing factors, Marvin and added and subtracted some players and to their credit, the coverage units performed much better Monday Night. We still cannot return the ball though, and Shane Graham’s kicks have been suspect (see above pt 4).
6. Finally enough with talk about maturing, selfishness, learning to win, etc. We've been hearing that crap for 5 years. It is Marvin’s job to set that tone and instill those traits. He’s had 5 years to do it, this is his team. If this team isn’t mentally or emotionally prepared to win, that is Marvin’s fault. This moment, this bye week, is his chance to show us what kind of coach he really is. If he loses this team now, he may never get it back and we may descend into the dark ages of Bungledom once again. Quit blaming the players, Marvin and fix it, they’re your guys and this is your team.
We have a lot of issues to address in 2 weeks. The goods news is, our next 4 games are not as tough on paper as our first 4. Kansas City is struggling, the Jets are terrible, the Bills are struggling and we get the Steelers at home. The opportunity to right the ship is there, but I am unconvinced we will seize the opportunity. Hang on Bengals Fans, its going to be a rough ride!
Thank God this is a bye week. Not because the Bengals have time to rest up, heal up and prep up for the Chiefs, but because I get a weekend off from the pain and suffering of being a Bengals fan. The past few weeks, on the morning after a game, I feel like instead of the players, the fans should report to the stadium for “treatment”. But since it is bye week, lets discuss the challenges I see for the 2007 version of the Cincinnati Bengals, unlike Marvin’s list, mine doesn’t spend much time on issues like “ Maturity” and “Selfishness.”
1. We. Need. Linebackers. If you are a non-smoker between the ages of 22 and 30 are close to 6.0” and weigh 200 lbs report to Paul Brown Stadium immediately. Seriously, how can any team beat the Patriots with 2 healthy linebackers in the second half, both of whom weren’t on your team in August.
2. We need a healthy stable offensive line. I am not sure why Big Willie’s still trying to start, but if he can’t go, and looks more and more like he can’t, then he needs to sit and let the Koistra era begin. I’m not sure what’s up between Levi and Whitworth, but let’s resolve it now. Our pass protection and running game will improve from the consistency and improved mobility.
3. We need to re-establish our running game. Granted, we’ve played from behind late in most games, but until we show opposing defenses we can hurt them on the ground, they will continue to double cover TJ and Chad and take away the deep vertical game. See Point 2 on how to get it back.
4. We do need to get healthy, and anyone who says “it’s not a valid excuse” is kidding themselves. Look at our PUP, Walking Wounded and IR list: Kenny Irons, Chris Perry, Lemar Marshall, Rudi, Tab Perry, David Pollack, Willie Anderson, Shane Graham, Ethan Kilmer, Rashad Jeanty, Ahmad Brooks, Caleb Miller, Eric Ghiaciuc. There’s a few on there I probably missed. We just got Antonio Chatman back. Those are all guys we counted on heading into the season.
5. Special Teams need to Be Special: It’s been tough the first 4 games and large portions of the blame can be placed on our special teams. Health, and free agency are contributing factors, Marvin and added and subtracted some players and to their credit, the coverage units performed much better Monday Night. We still cannot return the ball though, and Shane Graham’s kicks have been suspect (see above pt 4).
6. Finally enough with talk about maturing, selfishness, learning to win, etc. We've been hearing that crap for 5 years. It is Marvin’s job to set that tone and instill those traits. He’s had 5 years to do it, this is his team. If this team isn’t mentally or emotionally prepared to win, that is Marvin’s fault. This moment, this bye week, is his chance to show us what kind of coach he really is. If he loses this team now, he may never get it back and we may descend into the dark ages of Bungledom once again. Quit blaming the players, Marvin and fix it, they’re your guys and this is your team.
We have a lot of issues to address in 2 weeks. The goods news is, our next 4 games are not as tough on paper as our first 4. Kansas City is struggling, the Jets are terrible, the Bills are struggling and we get the Steelers at home. The opportunity to right the ship is there, but I am unconvinced we will seize the opportunity. Hang on Bengals Fans, its going to be a rough ride!
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Welcome to Walmart!!!
Generally speaking, I make it a habit to avoid shopping at Walmart. But every so often, for whatever reason, I find myself dodging loose carts, fat people and apparently orphaned children as I search their lot for a parking space. I had to go 2 times in the past week, here is a brief description of my visit.
9/22/07 9:30 am – Parking lot ridiculously full. Looking for a mini fridge for a gift. To their credit Wal-Mart did stock the item. After getting a few related items I made my way to the check out lane. There were like 3 lanes out of the 25 open. I picked what looked to be the shortest one.
The lady was rather large, and had a cart full of frozen pizza’s, ho-ho’s, chips and like 3 cases of diet coke. The Diet Coke was key, I was glad to see she was watching the calories. As she went through the line, her jabba-eyes peered closely at the register. That’s when I realized how bad of a decision I made. Little did I know that Wal-mart has a price-match guarantee. This lady however, was very aware. Like an NFL coach with unlimited challenges, she threw the red flag at almost every other item, and then would pull a stack of competitive ads out from under her slab-like arms and spend 5 minutes searching for the proof, saving pennies with each successful throw of the flag. I thought, “Hmmm… maybe all those pennies she’s saving go into a piggy bank to fund that triple bypass and the diabetes monitor she’s going to need after eating the contents of that cart.” I almost wanted to just hand her $10.00, which would be twice what she had saved to get her to move on.
“Here, take this. Get your ass out of my line, and consider buying a jump rope and a cook book.”
It took me 5 minutes to find and take my items to the checklane, it took me 30 minutes in the lane…I was the second person in line. You would think, I’d be done with Walmart for a while, but 7 days later, I find myself back inside.
This time, we were burning a gift card.
9/29/07 2:30pm – Cars circling everywhere like vultures looking for a carcass to land on. We parked in the next county, and hiked in.
On entering, it was like we walked into a dysfunctional anthill. People swarmed everywhere, up and down every aisle and row in the store. But instead of the orderly, efficient movement of ants, it was total chaos. Kids were darting in and out of traffic. Five people blocked an entire aisle while they tried to choose from 15 different toasters all at $9.99. People drove carts down the wrong sides of the rows. Others wandered aimlessly, shell-shocked and apparently unable to process the size of the store, or perhaps the savings. They just stumbled through the store, trance-like, their small heads on a swivel. People, People, People Everywhere! It was a social experience, whole gaggles of people, whole extended families team-shopping. All stopping and clustering around a display, blocking the aisle, bringing traffic to a complete stop.
Somewhere Sam Walton was having a post-mortem orgasm.
We were blocked at every turn, stuck behind people moving at glacial speed down every row. We got lost once trying to find cotton balls. I almost had a panic attack. We put less than 20 items in our cart, all located in different area codes within the same store. By the end I was gritting my teeth as I ambled behind an Extended Crew Cab Ford-load of shoppers as we slowly worked our way to the register.
I’m writing this to remind myself not to go there again. If you’re reading this, consider this a public safety notice. It could happen to you or me or anyone. We could wind up like those poor souls just wandering, our minds overcome by a whirl of smiley faced icons, blue vests and people in denim. We could go in, and never come out. We would shuffle together, and occasionally mumble, “Look at all those toasters…they’re only $9.99!”
9/22/07 9:30 am – Parking lot ridiculously full. Looking for a mini fridge for a gift. To their credit Wal-Mart did stock the item. After getting a few related items I made my way to the check out lane. There were like 3 lanes out of the 25 open. I picked what looked to be the shortest one.
The lady was rather large, and had a cart full of frozen pizza’s, ho-ho’s, chips and like 3 cases of diet coke. The Diet Coke was key, I was glad to see she was watching the calories. As she went through the line, her jabba-eyes peered closely at the register. That’s when I realized how bad of a decision I made. Little did I know that Wal-mart has a price-match guarantee. This lady however, was very aware. Like an NFL coach with unlimited challenges, she threw the red flag at almost every other item, and then would pull a stack of competitive ads out from under her slab-like arms and spend 5 minutes searching for the proof, saving pennies with each successful throw of the flag. I thought, “Hmmm… maybe all those pennies she’s saving go into a piggy bank to fund that triple bypass and the diabetes monitor she’s going to need after eating the contents of that cart.” I almost wanted to just hand her $10.00, which would be twice what she had saved to get her to move on.
“Here, take this. Get your ass out of my line, and consider buying a jump rope and a cook book.”
It took me 5 minutes to find and take my items to the checklane, it took me 30 minutes in the lane…I was the second person in line. You would think, I’d be done with Walmart for a while, but 7 days later, I find myself back inside.
This time, we were burning a gift card.
9/29/07 2:30pm – Cars circling everywhere like vultures looking for a carcass to land on. We parked in the next county, and hiked in.
On entering, it was like we walked into a dysfunctional anthill. People swarmed everywhere, up and down every aisle and row in the store. But instead of the orderly, efficient movement of ants, it was total chaos. Kids were darting in and out of traffic. Five people blocked an entire aisle while they tried to choose from 15 different toasters all at $9.99. People drove carts down the wrong sides of the rows. Others wandered aimlessly, shell-shocked and apparently unable to process the size of the store, or perhaps the savings. They just stumbled through the store, trance-like, their small heads on a swivel. People, People, People Everywhere! It was a social experience, whole gaggles of people, whole extended families team-shopping. All stopping and clustering around a display, blocking the aisle, bringing traffic to a complete stop.
Somewhere Sam Walton was having a post-mortem orgasm.
We were blocked at every turn, stuck behind people moving at glacial speed down every row. We got lost once trying to find cotton balls. I almost had a panic attack. We put less than 20 items in our cart, all located in different area codes within the same store. By the end I was gritting my teeth as I ambled behind an Extended Crew Cab Ford-load of shoppers as we slowly worked our way to the register.
I’m writing this to remind myself not to go there again. If you’re reading this, consider this a public safety notice. It could happen to you or me or anyone. We could wind up like those poor souls just wandering, our minds overcome by a whirl of smiley faced icons, blue vests and people in denim. We could go in, and never come out. We would shuffle together, and occasionally mumble, “Look at all those toasters…they’re only $9.99!”
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Its Monday Night....do you know where YOUR Special Teams are??
My dog is an unrepentant eater of feces. She will jauntily come towards me with her tail wagging, her tongue lolling and with a big dog grin on her face. By the time I realize what she's been doing, it is too late and her repugnant poop-breath surrounds me. Not only does she do it, but she relishes in it, and she wants me to know it. She's eaten crap a long time, she's never stopped eating crap, but when she walks towards me all smiling...I fall for it every time!
You may be thinking, "OK Chris, where are you going with this?"
Much like my dog, The Bengals have sucked for a long time. They've sucked less the past few years, but we've always been just "this" close to winning. We've always played exciting games, that came down to "a handful of plays." The Bengals have been learning to finish games since they lost their last Super Bowl appearance. Thinking rationally, one begins to suspect they may never learn. But here comes Sunday, and my jersey beckons from my bottom dresser drawer. I try to ignore it, I look the other way, put my hands over my ears. But in the end I put it on, and I take my seat in the stands or in front of the TV and hope that this time, things will be different. This play, this game...this season will be different. I fall for it every time!!!
This Monday Night, we take on the the 3-0 Patriots. A team with a league leading defense, and a bookend league leading offense. Brady, Moss, Junior Seau and a host of others all guided by the future Hall of Famer Bill Belicheat. They are the the gold standard, they represent what the Bengals want to be and they showed us how far we had still to go when they thumped us last year at PBS.
We're banged up, our special teams have been terrible all year, our defense inconsistent, our offense unable to compensate and/or keep up. If you looked at the schedule at the beginning of the year, we would say 2-2 would be a good ending record after the 1st 4 games, and after laying an eg g in Cleveland and Seattle...we need this game. So sit down and take notice as I give you the reason why the Bengals will win this game. Simply stated, Tom Brady cannot be allowed to sleep with Gisele and remain undefeated, it is not acceptable, the Football Gods will smote him for reaching too high and Cincinnati will move to 2 and 2.
I will see you at the game,Who-Dey!
You may be thinking, "OK Chris, where are you going with this?"
Much like my dog, The Bengals have sucked for a long time. They've sucked less the past few years, but we've always been just "this" close to winning. We've always played exciting games, that came down to "a handful of plays." The Bengals have been learning to finish games since they lost their last Super Bowl appearance. Thinking rationally, one begins to suspect they may never learn. But here comes Sunday, and my jersey beckons from my bottom dresser drawer. I try to ignore it, I look the other way, put my hands over my ears. But in the end I put it on, and I take my seat in the stands or in front of the TV and hope that this time, things will be different. This play, this game...this season will be different. I fall for it every time!!!
This Monday Night, we take on the the 3-0 Patriots. A team with a league leading defense, and a bookend league leading offense. Brady, Moss, Junior Seau and a host of others all guided by the future Hall of Famer Bill Belicheat. They are the the gold standard, they represent what the Bengals want to be and they showed us how far we had still to go when they thumped us last year at PBS.
We're banged up, our special teams have been terrible all year, our defense inconsistent, our offense unable to compensate and/or keep up. If you looked at the schedule at the beginning of the year, we would say 2-2 would be a good ending record after the 1st 4 games, and after laying an eg g in Cleveland and Seattle...we need this game. So sit down and take notice as I give you the reason why the Bengals will win this game. Simply stated, Tom Brady cannot be allowed to sleep with Gisele and remain undefeated, it is not acceptable, the Football Gods will smote him for reaching too high and Cincinnati will move to 2 and 2.
I will see you at the game,Who-Dey!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Browns Wrap Up and Advice for Chuckie....
It was a treacherous, topsy turvy week in the NFL. The 49ers beat Seattle. The Redskins beat Philly. New Orleans was sacked by the Buccaneers. But the most painful of all, was the stunning defeat of my beloved Bengals by the Cleveland Browns.
Derek Anderson, just days ago voted most likely to be replaced in the second half is now on the verge of being voted AFC Player of the week. Our defense which shut down the Ravens in that delightful Monday night game, had more holes than a donut factory 6 days later. Our Special Teams for the second week in a row, was decidedly un-special. Our Special Teams Coach, Darrin Simmons, still has Joshua Cribb’s cleat prints on his forehead.
Marvin Lewis, never chatty with the media, was even more terse and dismissive during this week’s press conference. He basically boiled down the loss to 5 plays. I could put 5 plays on rookie Leon Hall’s tab alone. Our Defense looked so ugly, it was like watching Romeo Crennel at a Golden Corral. Oh…the carnage! Missed assignments, un-plugged gaps, failure to execute the… list goes on and on.
To make matters worse, this week we head to Seattle. Home of the 12th man, and one of the NFC’s leading offenses. Carson and company showed they can keep the pace with 6 touchdown passes in a losing effort, but will the defense even get off the plane??? My wish list for Defensive Coordinator Chuck Breshnehan and the girl scout troop posing as an NFL defense:
1) Show Up. (first things first…)
2) Put the Cookies away, ( No Shaun Alexander doesn’t want a Thin Mint)
3) In fact, Hit Alexander in the mouth
4) Hit Hasselbeck in the mouth
5) Hit Deion Branch in the mouth
6) Hit anyone with a blue helmet….in the mouth.
Moreen is in 1st place for the week. No Thursday game so get your picks in by Saturday….Tyrell!
Derek Anderson, just days ago voted most likely to be replaced in the second half is now on the verge of being voted AFC Player of the week. Our defense which shut down the Ravens in that delightful Monday night game, had more holes than a donut factory 6 days later. Our Special Teams for the second week in a row, was decidedly un-special. Our Special Teams Coach, Darrin Simmons, still has Joshua Cribb’s cleat prints on his forehead.
Marvin Lewis, never chatty with the media, was even more terse and dismissive during this week’s press conference. He basically boiled down the loss to 5 plays. I could put 5 plays on rookie Leon Hall’s tab alone. Our Defense looked so ugly, it was like watching Romeo Crennel at a Golden Corral. Oh…the carnage! Missed assignments, un-plugged gaps, failure to execute the… list goes on and on.
To make matters worse, this week we head to Seattle. Home of the 12th man, and one of the NFC’s leading offenses. Carson and company showed they can keep the pace with 6 touchdown passes in a losing effort, but will the defense even get off the plane??? My wish list for Defensive Coordinator Chuck Breshnehan and the girl scout troop posing as an NFL defense:
1) Show Up. (first things first…)
2) Put the Cookies away, ( No Shaun Alexander doesn’t want a Thin Mint)
3) In fact, Hit Alexander in the mouth
4) Hit Hasselbeck in the mouth
5) Hit Deion Branch in the mouth
6) Hit anyone with a blue helmet….in the mouth.
Moreen is in 1st place for the week. No Thursday game so get your picks in by Saturday….Tyrell!
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Don't Be This Guy!!
On the way to a friend's house yesterday I witnessed the self-expression of a complete asshole as embodied in his vehicle. Carefully review my description and make sure that a) you're not this guy and b) you aren't friends with him.
If you look in the mirror and realize I am describing you, my only advice is to pull a George Costanza (props to Yiz). You obviously cannot trust your own judgement, so do the exact opposite of your natural inclinations.
If this is your friend, plan and immediately stage an intervention. Its for his own good.
The desciption as follows:
Huge Red, Two Wheels on the Back-Axle havin' diesel smoke belching, Dodge Truck.
Massive Trailer Hitch made to haul a battleship??
Hitch festooned with flesh colored dangling latex balls the size of apples. So its a boy truck...I would have never guessed!
Masonic Lodge license plate. If anyone ever tells me theMasons rule the world, I will use this guy as exhibit A of why they don't.
Heavily Tinted Rear Window.
Harley Davidson Eagle Logo Sticker in Right Rear Window. This always confuses me. I am driving a truck, but I want you all to know, I am also a bad ass biker.
Finally, the last straw. In the left (driver's side window) was a 12 inch "Shocker" symbol. For those of you who do not know what this is, its a hand held palm in, with fingers and thumb held together and extended, wth the ring finger bent in at the knuckle. (Do a Google search). Lets just say the extended pinky finger and the extended index and middle finger are supposed to align and be inserted with corresponding holes in the female body. I don't even have to comment on the type of person who would post this sticker prominently on his car, behind his head.
Final summation, the testosterone machine this guy was driving either compensated for
A) A penis the size of a tinker toy or
B) An inescapable addiction to web based gay porn, or I suppose
C) He is a complete asshole.
You decide.
If you look in the mirror and realize I am describing you, my only advice is to pull a George Costanza (props to Yiz). You obviously cannot trust your own judgement, so do the exact opposite of your natural inclinations.
If this is your friend, plan and immediately stage an intervention. Its for his own good.
The desciption as follows:
Huge Red, Two Wheels on the Back-Axle havin' diesel smoke belching, Dodge Truck.
Massive Trailer Hitch made to haul a battleship??
Hitch festooned with flesh colored dangling latex balls the size of apples. So its a boy truck...I would have never guessed!
Masonic Lodge license plate. If anyone ever tells me theMasons rule the world, I will use this guy as exhibit A of why they don't.
Heavily Tinted Rear Window.
Harley Davidson Eagle Logo Sticker in Right Rear Window. This always confuses me. I am driving a truck, but I want you all to know, I am also a bad ass biker.
Finally, the last straw. In the left (driver's side window) was a 12 inch "Shocker" symbol. For those of you who do not know what this is, its a hand held palm in, with fingers and thumb held together and extended, wth the ring finger bent in at the knuckle. (Do a Google search). Lets just say the extended pinky finger and the extended index and middle finger are supposed to align and be inserted with corresponding holes in the female body. I don't even have to comment on the type of person who would post this sticker prominently on his car, behind his head.
Final summation, the testosterone machine this guy was driving either compensated for
A) A penis the size of a tinker toy or
B) An inescapable addiction to web based gay porn, or I suppose
C) He is a complete asshole.
You decide.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Rick's Moving to Vegas
One of my best friends since high school appears to be on the verge of a dream come true, or atleast a start at making a dream come true, by joining another good friend as part of the crew for one of the Cirque shows. The following is the series of texts when I got the news today:
Carus: The boy was just given the unofficial nod. Who Dey my good buddy!
Me: That's awesome. Does he know yet?
Carus: Yep. Texted all Fools at the same time....
Me: When's it become official? I am so happy for him.
Carus: Monday. I think it will be good for him and maybe even more for April. Maybe she will find something that will be more fulfilling.
Me: Rick is kinda small. I barely walk funny after.
Carus: Thats why she needs to find some Injun. Those natives have the big cocks. Custer didn't die from the Arrows.
Me: No doubt. More like I Left My Bone at Wounded Knee
I will miss Rick, just like I miss Carus. But if it means I get 2x the ridiculous text messages. I might be in. Plus is gives me 2 more reasons to go to Vegas. And I loooooove Vegas.
Carus: The boy was just given the unofficial nod. Who Dey my good buddy!
Me: That's awesome. Does he know yet?
Carus: Yep. Texted all Fools at the same time....
Me: When's it become official? I am so happy for him.
Carus: Monday. I think it will be good for him and maybe even more for April. Maybe she will find something that will be more fulfilling.
Me: Rick is kinda small. I barely walk funny after.
Carus: Thats why she needs to find some Injun. Those natives have the big cocks. Custer didn't die from the Arrows.
Me: No doubt. More like I Left My Bone at Wounded Knee
I will miss Rick, just like I miss Carus. But if it means I get 2x the ridiculous text messages. I might be in. Plus is gives me 2 more reasons to go to Vegas. And I loooooove Vegas.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Things seen in the 305 Monday Night
The first game of the season is always special. When the 1st regular season game is also a Monday night....you know its going to be on. We sit in a pretty rowdy section, which is good, because my wife and I fit right in, but I knew it would be extra special.
Some things seen:
d) All of the above
The Correct answer is all of the above.
Some things seen:
- A girl in a 84 jersey and a bright orange bob wig flashed the crowd a couple times before being tossed. While I didn't see her, I saw a group of guys we refer to as the felons chanting "Show your tits!," while raising their shirts to expose their pasty, bloated, beer-nurtured hairy bellies and corresponding man-boobs. The closer was when the head felon disappeared and came back with her wig....which he wore the rest of the night.
- (Pick One) The guy in front of me at one point got so excited he:
a) Fell over and knocked over my beer.
b) Ripped off his jersey in a burst of euphoria and began windmilling it madly, striking me, my wife and anyone within a 4ft radius.
c) He started finishing my signature cheersd) All of the above
The Correct answer is all of the above.
- The "Dirty Stinking Cheaters" cheer is catching on, with several fans participating. I feel like Jim Jones...soon I will prepare the Kool-Aid.
- My section name is apparently "Malkovich" as in John the actor, my very first nickname. It started last year and has survived the off season so I think its official. I don't know why.
- On seeing my Pregnant Wife, King of the Felons reached out his hand and gently patted my wife's belly and asked with a huge grin, " Look at Malkovich's Old Lady! What have you been doing during the off season?!"
- I replied with a leer, some swagger and wink, "That's right." Then I thrust my hips forward a couple times....not really but it would have bee funnier if I did.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
The noise last night was deafening. The hits were devastating, with players from both teams leaving the field battered and bruised. But perhaps the biggest hit of all, the most satisfying smash, was the one that Peter King and the rest of the National Media took right in the mouth when the Cincinnati Defense caused at least 5 turnovers and our offense put enough points on the board to outscore the geriatric Raven offense and beat their much respected (and feared) defense. So many questions surrounded the Bengals heading into Monday Night: Does Cincinnati even have a defense? Who is Cincinnati’s number 3 receiver? Who’s their 3rd down back? I have a question for you Peter King, Jay Glazer and company: Who’s your Daddy Now…and do you have the balls to admit you might be wrong?
With a goal line stand that lasted for what seemed like hours and where the Ravens had at least 8 shots at the end zone, our Defense stood up and made a statement. Marvin was almost giddy at the post game conference. Michael Myers and his diving end zone interception officially marked the transition that has been 3 years in the making.
This morning workers were cleaning the stadium, players reported for treatment and deep in the bowels of Paul Brown Stadium, a lone man carefully wrapped a package. In the box, he placed the entire decade of the 90’s. He put photos of Coslet, Lebeau, Shula. He placed in Warrick’s number 80, and then Klingler, Akili and Ki-Jana’s jerseys all barely used, all carefully folded. Finally on top he placed the well worn cloak of futility that draped this franchise for oh so many years. He carefully sealed the box, and addressed it to the next worst franchise in football: The Cleveland Browns, c/o Phil Savage. It was originally addressed to Romeo Crennel, but it’s likely he may not be there when the box arrives. The last thing in the box was a small note signed by Mike Brown, "Dear Browns: Thanks for firing my Dad. Karma Sucks! See you next week!"
With a goal line stand that lasted for what seemed like hours and where the Ravens had at least 8 shots at the end zone, our Defense stood up and made a statement. Marvin was almost giddy at the post game conference. Michael Myers and his diving end zone interception officially marked the transition that has been 3 years in the making.
This morning workers were cleaning the stadium, players reported for treatment and deep in the bowels of Paul Brown Stadium, a lone man carefully wrapped a package. In the box, he placed the entire decade of the 90’s. He put photos of Coslet, Lebeau, Shula. He placed in Warrick’s number 80, and then Klingler, Akili and Ki-Jana’s jerseys all barely used, all carefully folded. Finally on top he placed the well worn cloak of futility that draped this franchise for oh so many years. He carefully sealed the box, and addressed it to the next worst franchise in football: The Cleveland Browns, c/o Phil Savage. It was originally addressed to Romeo Crennel, but it’s likely he may not be there when the box arrives. The last thing in the box was a small note signed by Mike Brown, "Dear Browns: Thanks for firing my Dad. Karma Sucks! See you next week!"
Monday Night
I knew it was going to be a good day when I looked out to the tailgating area outside of Paul Brown and saw the Storm Trooper walking up the sidewalk. For those who haven't seen him, the Storm Trooper is a Bengals Season Ticket Holder who comes to big games dressed in a bright Bengal Orange painted Star Wars style Storm Trooper Outfit. I knew it was going to be a great day when I saw what was coming down the same sidewalk from the other direction. Bearing straight towards the Storm Trooper is a tall, large man, dressed in a purple unitard, the spandex working overtime to contain his beer belly. He wore a pair of black Speedos overtop, and what I hope was a sock stuffed inside. He had on black knee high boots, a silken purple cape and a matching mask. It was.... Super Raven??? It was like He-Man meeting Skeletor in Castle Grayskull's kitchen or Batman bumping into the Joker at a cocktail party. There was suprise, a wary examination of the other, and then finally an admission of mutual admiration. They stood there, arm in arm and posed for pictures before man hugging and heading towards their seats. Kickoff was in 30 minutes, and looking back, the only thing that could have made it better, was if they got into a fight in the stands later and it wound up on National TV. Sadly, apparently that never happened.
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