Ugly....

So, we've had our first rough couple days. Lots of crying, lots of refusing to take naps - which leads to even more crying. The only thing that remotely works is holding her while standing, or using the carrier.

At first, I saw the carrier as a benevolent object - something that allowed me use of both my hands, while my daughter happily drooled and cooed away while strapped to my chest. I gushed about it to friends and family, and saw it as a productivity enhancer. I loved it like a Brother!!!

After a carrying her around for the past few days for several hours while she howled - I am learning to see it as an instrument of torture and instead of enhancing, it may well be enabling! Right in front of my face and in my own home! Damn its shoddy blue cotton fabric!! My back is still bowed from yesterday's trials and my ears are still trickling blood from close proximity to my howling daughter. My nipples and sides of my chest are chafed from the straps.

The Question of the Day: Infant Harnessy Thing - Good or Bad??? For me, the jury is out.

My obsession of the month!!!

I have been intrigued by straight razors for years, they're just so cool and undeniably badass! While at the grocery store this week, I realized that I spend over $120 a year on refill blades. I started doing research and found I could get a 2 straight razors, vintage high quality, a strop and a honing stone for less than $50.00. And shave forever for free. There's also an environmental aspect - no wasted packaging, no razor blades in the trash. Plus it has to raise my badass quotient. It has to. And a a a stay at home Dad, he needs some extra testosterone.

That's right, I might be Mr. Mom. But I shave with a 100 year old straight razor.

I am currently on Ebay duking it out with other real men over these items. While researching, I found there are thousands of devotees out there - granted, non of them have their pictures on the articles so they could look like Freddy Kreuger....

How cool is this going to be?! I'll keep you all posted. With any luck - I'll be shaving old school in a few short weeks. I will report back with pictures.

10 Things About Working from Home...that maybe you didn't know

10. When I call you at 9:00am, odds are I am in fact still in my pajamas.


9. I save money and time by not driving to work everyday, or going out to eat. Which over all makes me more efficient and more productive - in all aspects of life.


8. Boundaries are erased. Work, Housework, and Dad Work all start to blur. I may be working at 6:00am, but through out the day I rotate to baby duty or housework. Just as I might be sorting laundry at 9:00am (in my PJ's while talking to you on a headset), or playing with my daughter at 3:00pm, I will place a work call at 7:30 pm my time or looking at emails on Sunday morning. I believe there is good and bad in this. But I believe it makes your job a more organic part of your life - its not compartmentalized in a different town, in a different office. But haven't laptops and cell phones already broke down those walls a little?


7. Its very strange watching all the people on my street drive to work in the morning, while I sit at my desk in my PJ's going through email.

6. I feel very weird picking my son up unshaven, and wearing yesterday's clothes right at 5:00 - everyone else is all business casual. I feel like everyone thinks I am unemployed and too lazy to watch my own kid. I'd almost rather be wearing a McDonald's uniform.

5. Having both ran out of toilet paper and been the victim of a massive toilet malfunction while at work - I can not stress the importance or put a value on using your own bathroom, with your own supply of TP and sure knowledge of where the plunger is. Nothing is worse than taking the walk of shame through the office with a plunger in your hand, as you head towards the bathroom. Nothing. Except maybe asking the VP where the plunger was....that was pretty bad too.

4. Calling someone to talk about the game or the upcoming draft is not the same as having the conversation in the elevator or at the copy machine. I miss casual office banter. I haven't gone so far as to paint a face on a volley ball with copier toner, name it Wilson and talk to it, but there is a certain amount of loneliness.

3. The fact that there is no one to keep you on task, no roving manager to tell you what to do or when to do is great. But, that means you accept the full responsibility for getting your job done. I remember that when I see that the Spice Girl's Reunion Tour is on VH1. While I have been wanting see "2 become 1" performed live for like 15 years maybe I should tape it and save it for later.

2. Lots of people think bringing animals to the office is a great way to relieve stress. I say, and I have 5 animals in my office, they are a huge pain in the ass. Sure, you gotta feed them, give them water, let them in and out. But then you get to listen to three cats simultaneously cough up hairballs while you're on the phone. Or try fill out quote sheets to the frenzied, rhythmic sounds of your dog licking her genitalia like its a best thing she's ever had. Its disgusting and distracting.

1. If something is due in an hour and you are feverishly trying to complete it, that is when the Dog will shit on the carpet (too close to your desk to ignore it...), the cat will barf on your papers (what do they eat that is that color?), the kid will wail for no reason and your Internet will go down. Do the best you can to stay ahead, stay calm and stay flexible. (The other flexible, not flexible in the slutty Romanian gymnast way...although that's good too)

Cops: Preschool Edition!!

The following dialogue is a transcript of an episode filmed last week while our crews shadowed a local preschool.

Dispatch: Ah...Yeah, Patrol 1, we got a report of a two white males fighting over in the 4 year old room. Can you head over and uh..check it out?

Patrol 1: This Patrol 1, we're on the way. Over.

Later on the scene......

Officer on Scene: Was anybody fighting in here?

The Teacher steps forward

Teacher: It was those two over there, I saw the whole thing. I had to pull them apart. All heard was some arguing and then next thing I know, Jonathan has Gabe on the ground and is pounding him. I mean I could hear the blows raining down! .....It was awful. I tried to separate them...

Officer: (Addressing suspect ID's as Jonathan) Is this true? Look at me, son! Were you fighting with that person over there? (Pointing at Gabe.)

Jonathan: Gabe took the Bacon and...

Officer: Whoa, Stop right there. (Shines flashlight in Jonathan's eyes...) You were fighting over plastic bacon?! Why?

Jonathan: He came into My Center. Just comes charging in, getting all up into my Kitchen!! He knows the rules, there's only supposed to be 4 kids per center. We had our four already, so there was no more room. Then, when I tried to kick him out, he goes and takes Alex's bacon. So I went to get it back. He knows you're not supposed to take stuff either!

(Turning to address Gabe)

That's right, Mo-Fo! You keep your sorry ass outta my house. Next time there won't be no teacher to save you!

Gabe lunges at Jonathan, there's a scuffle. Officer on Scene manages to separate them again. He continues to interview Jonathan

Officer: So he took Alex's bacon, what's that got to do with you? Why couldn't Alex handle it?

Jonathan: Ain't no man comin' into my house, disrespectin' my women and gettin' away with it!

Officer: Alex is a woman?! What about the teacher, Jonathan? Why didn't you get her involved? It's her job to enforce class rules, not yours!

Jonathan: The administration doesn't listen, Man! They always turn a blind eye! Its all like, " I don't want to hear it!" So what I supposed to do? Just take it?!

Officer: Well, you're not supposed to fight!

(Speaking to dispatch) I'm going to go ahead and bring the Suspect in for further questioning.

(To Jonathan) Go on! Get in back of the car, we'll continue this conversation back at the (Patrol) house!

Follow Up: After several days of investigation, Jonathan, who had been released on his own recognizance, was involved in another altercation. Police arrived on scene and collected one pair of cowboy boots used in an assault on another child. Jonathan, with his history of violence, is now a watched man. The police closely monitor his activities. Gabe, the Bacon Stealer is in the process of being transferred to another facility. Under further questioning the Teacher admitted Gabe was the instigator and was a habitual trouble maker. Alex continues to play with the Kitchen Center and is currently in love with Jonathan, making him as many plates of plastic bacon as he can handle. This will be the first of many Bad Boys she will be infatuated with over her life time. Watcha Gonna Do???

Rejected!

I have tried to think of something funny to say about this for a couple days but I got nothing. An inevitable part of the sales process is rejection. I get told "No" so much in the daily routine of my job, that its like being in high school two weeks before Prom all over again. And for the most part, its OK. Twelve years of public school and a long, difficult bout of puberty coupled with Pro-Wing Shoes and $5.00 haircut has prepared me to handle it. However, this past Friday, I received my first "No" pertaining to my current sales mission.

This work from home gig depends on me showing my bosses I can be successful. I have built in just a 10% success rate, in reality I can do much less and this experiment will be deemed successful. Even though this is just one account out of over 150 - I feel the pressure. I have worked very hard on this project, I have guided it from start to finish. Now I am at the stage where it all starts to come down to a one word answer.

If you adjust for inflation, I am still sporting the equivalent of a $5.00 haircut, and at the moment I am not even wearing shoes, but I hope that somewhere a buyer says, "Yes" to me.

A Day in the Life...

This is my typical day:


5:30 - wake up, curse my alarm clock in strongest language possible. Curse at how cold the house is. Curse the fact I've never won the lottery.


5:35 - Make coffee. Curse Mr. Coffee and his Mother for being too slow.


5:45 - surf web while I wake up. Bengals still suck, Stock Market sucks, the Enquirer sucks, Eva Mendes ...Good.


6:00 - compose to do list, review files etc. Think about all I want to get done and all I have to get done for the day. Just as I start working in earnest...


6:15 - Emma wakes up. I put her in her seat next to me and continue working.


6:45: Try to wake my son who is in deep hibernation. Discover that not only does he have wet PJ's from a night time accident but also wet blankets, stuffed animals and pillows, carpet, etc. Apparently he had some sort of epileptic pissing fit in the middle of the night, but never managed to wake himself up.


7:00 Assist in getting wife off too work and son off to school. Start laundry from above disaster.


7:16 - Emma's already tired. Apparently sitting there watching me work wore her ass out.


7:20 Put her down again. Go up and down the steps 7 to 9 times in 5 to 6 minute intervals until either she falls asleep or I cannot ascend the stairs any longer.


7:50ish-??? - Work furiously as you never know when she'll wake up. Could be 40 minutes, could be 2 hours.

9:00ish - Emma needs to be held and I need to finish a quote. I proceed to strap Emma to carrier and try to work while standing.

Potential Customer: Is that a baby in the background?

Me: Baby?! No, that must be my TV. Hang on let me turn it down. (Where's that goddamned pacifier!?)

or

Me: Yeah! I am on the move today and working at a coffee shop for a little bit and this poor lady is having a tough time. (Seriously Kid! Where's the pacifier?)

or

Me: What? I don't hear anything...maybe it's interference. (On hands and knees at this point looking for the fucking pacifier. The books say little to no motor control at 3 months but she can wing a pacifier 10 ft, farther if I am on the phone.)

Repeat until roughly 6:30pm, inter spacing feedings every 4 hours or so.

Surprisingly, I have been somewhat productive. Which I attribute to the frenzy with which I work when I get the opportunity. I almost caught my cell phone and my right ear on fire yesterday during a 2 hour nap.

Givin' Da Bidness!!

I have done no business in the am, but have been given much thus far.

Yesterday, Emma slept for 2 hours during her morning nap - I had no urgent projects. Of course today, when I actually have a major quote to work on – she’s being a total butt. Tired, unwilling to go down, wants to be held in a certain manner, in my right arm, while I am standing.

Looks like this will be an afternoon project, or at least late morning.

I shall strive to maintain my zen like calm. "Patience learn you will..." counsels my inner Yoda.

Things That Outrage Me V: Kids Toothpaste

My son's bathroom looks like a rabid dog has ate Papa Smurf and the whole Smurf gang, drooling, spitting and spreading electric blue froth all over the place. The sink is caked in it, the counters have blue iridescent stalagmites forming, the floors and mirrors are splattered.

This particular Crest product features the spiderman logo. Apparently Spiderman is a fag - who knew he was into sparkly things in dashing shades of blue typically not associated with the webslinger. It says, I may be a super hero, but on my own time I am super fabulous. Maybe that's why he never hit that Russian chick in spidey 2. Maybe this Mary Jane thing is like a Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes thing without the spaceships and Will Smith calling every 5 minutes.

Seriously, who makes a kid product that color, knowing they will only proceed to get it all over everything. The worse part is, once it hardens, the product takes on an epoxy-like hardness. You need an industrial grinder to remove it!! Mr. Scrubbing Bubbles took one look at it and crawled his sorry ass back in the can. Now he won't come out even to clean our bathroom!

Looking in the Mirror

I just checked on my daughter, because its 8:00am and she's still sleeping. I was concerned she was dead, suffocated by either her blankets or possibly a cat. But no, she's sound asleep. That affording me the opportunity to brush my teeth and use the restroom in relative peace and quiet.

As I looked at myself in the mirror while brushing, I realized, " Man, you have really let yourself go!"

"When's the last time you shaved or had a shower?"

"How many days in a row are you going to wear those jeans and that sweatshirt?"

"Are you even wearing clean underwear?"

I am a disgusting mess. While there is a lot to do during the days when you are home alone, perhaps I should add "Take Shower" and "Change Clothes" do my list for today and perhaps every other day moving forward. At this point, I absolutely cannot be a pleasant thing for my wife to come home to, even if dinner is on the table.

The Revolution Begins

Civil Disobedience and Non Violent Protest has a rich and storied heritage. Gandhi lead hunger strikes, Rosa Parks refused to move and Martin Luther King marched. My son, in what may be the first act of resistance to my staying home with Emma and without him, peed his pants in the middle of preschool. This came on the heels of a crying fit when he was dropped off.

I had just put Emma down for her first nap of the day when the call came in. It was his teacher needing a change of clothes. That meant I had to wake Emma up, put her in a car seat, drive to school, and control the urge to beat my son. Unlike other authority figures faced with civil disobedience I refrained from blasting him with high pressure hoses, sicking guard dogs on him, beating him or throwing canisters of tear gas in his classroom. Who says history degrees are useless! Fat lot of good it did all those past governments!

I instead deployed tactical psychology and weaponized guilt. We had a quiet chat, where I told him how glad I was to have a big boy, how impressed I was with all he was learning at school and was surprised that such a grown up kid would have an accident. Then I gave him a hug, told I loved him and asked him to do better. I told him that Emma was too little to go to school like her big brother, but she'd be there soon and I expected him to show her how it all worked. All that, a pat on the butt and back to class he went.

If that doesn't get results, maybe I'll look into that water cannon.

Staying at Home....Day One

I think she's trying to lure me into a false sense of complacency. She slept through the night for the most part without interruptions and took two long naps yesterday which allowed me to make several phone calls...I even had time to work out. Jonathan realized at dinner that I no longer go to work, how long before he makes a play to stay home too? I can assure you, that isn't going to happen.

An Inner Glimpse of My Mind

I was just taking a shower when I accidentally dropped my soap.

My first thought was, "Good thing I'm not in prison."

Things That Outrage Me Part IV....The Creation Museum

This "museum" opened about a year ago to much local fan fare. While it has been covered heavily in both the local and national media, I feel I need to weigh in. For starters, its practically in my back yard. But also, the local paper, The Enquirer gives the facility and its starter, Ken Hamm so much free publicity, without daring to opine. I swear I see an article once a month touting something going on there. We could bomb Iran, and the headline on the Enquirer would read, " Creation Museum to Add New Ark Exhibit." Meanwhile in the Life Section would feature, " Mrs. Hamm's Tasty Creations Fit for a Hungry Church Group or maybe "How to Evolve your little one's Taste Buds."

There are people on school boards across the country getting fired because they don't support the teaching of the "Controversy." What controversy?!! The Pope has recognized the fundamental principles of Evolution. Evolution is the basis for so much of our life sciences. As a nation we wonder why our children are falling behind in math and science and then we take them to a museum that tells them the world is less than 10,000 years old and has actually shows dinosaurs with saddles on them?!! Come on people!!!

I haven't read of a greater public disortion of basic science since maybe "scientifically" based claims of racial superiority from the Nazi's and to some extent White America in the early 19th century. Its the cultural equivalent of Copernicus being forced to renounce the Heliocentric theory of the universe, becase it threatened Catholic Dogma at the time. Only that was in the Middle Ages...aka...the Dark Ages. This is 2008!!!

People...you can pick and choose your politics, your religion, the clothes you wear, what you drive, the list goes on and on. All I am asking, is that if you choose to either completely ignore or dissort modern science in an attempt to craft your own world view...do it in the privacy of your own home, or church group. Don't petition public school boards to teach the Controversy which only exists in the minds of those who support Intelligent Design (or Creationism). Don't stuff a building with theatre props from Jurassic Park and charge admission and call it a museum. I'm going start a museum too. It'll be the Leprecaun Museum, and I'll fill it with all sorts of wee stuff to delight the children and advance belief in Leprechauns.

And the worse part it, people go to this museum in droves. You cannot bump into someone at an art museum or the history museum here in Cincinniati - but you have to wait in line to see people riding dinosaurs!!

Cannot we have two realms: the realm of belief (God, Heaven, Angels, The Bengals going to the Superbowl in my life time) and the realm of science (Evolution, Genetics, Engineering etc). They answer different questions and needs. But with some people and its seems to be more and more....if the answer isn't God and what's in the Bible - it's thrown out. And that outrages me, because if this keeps up we're heading towards a second Inquisition, an American Taliban and a supression of the very rights and ideals that enable people to build a phony museum and make tons of money. Keep your beliefs out of my face, my schools and my newspapers!!

Coincidence???

Just an observation...

On the eve of stunning upsets by both Hillary and John McCain, severe winds blew across the midwest damaging property and causing bodily harm.

Were these "Winds of Change" blowing across the country and into New Hampshire, or were they omens of bad things to come? Kind of like when a spell is cast in the movies and the the shutters fly open. Like when George Bailey wishes he was never born and the door blows open in Its a Wonderful Life.

Home Alone...

It's Tuesday. I am sitting at my desk, Emma is setting in her seat beside me. This will be my day for the next year. My wife returns to work on Monday, and will leave me here alone. I made the commitment early in the pregnancy to take a year to spend with our second child. I will continue to work from home while trying to be Mr. Mom. Initial observations:



1) Feedback from friends, family and co-workers has ranged from "That's wonderful" to "You're Nuts" to "It'll never last." I also get a lot of interesting facial expressions -which may be more telling than the audible commentary. I don't know yet who is right, but I am excited about a new adventure.



2) I am very concerned about work. My job requires the ability to react and the occasional need to travel. Since I cannot bring Emma to seat 21C to Wherever, it will be interesting to see what happens for me professionally and how I manage (or fail) to juggle both repsonsibilities.



3) This will have a big impact on Jill. For generations, Dad's have left the kids to go to work. Just as I deal with the opposite side of the coin, Jill will have her own internal struggles to manage.



4) I am very interested in this whole process. I plan on doing a weekly update. The highs, the lows, the wins and losses. It may be funny, sad or both...who knows maybe it'll be a book one day. If nothing else, it should make for interesting reading. Stay tuned for next week....

Hide the Bone...

My son came home from school yesterday, and during dinner he mentioned he played Hide the Bone at school.

Model of maturity and parenting prowess, my first reaction was too blow water through my nose.

My wife asked, "Where do you hide the bone?"

My son replied nonchalantly, " Between your legs..."

I asked, "How do you play this game?"

Jonathan explained, " Well...first you hide the bone, and then if you get caught you have to run really fast."

I told my wife he seemed to grasp the concept much better than I did at 13 let alone 4. I suppose we can take Having The Talk off our list of parental things to do. Funny, I didn't anticipate this being an issue at the preschool level.

Another Asshole...

Its been a busy few weeks with the holidays and managing 2 children. I apologize for the lack of content. But I do have a gem for you...complete with image.

While walking into my local Kroger store, I spotted the following vehicle. While the above photo won't do it justice, I will try to describe it as best as I can.

Before I begin...please notice the parking job. Nice...huh! This spot was actually pretty close to the door too.

1) Of course it is a large, diesel Dodge Ram truck. This one, while jazzed up with some large exhaust stacks jutting up semi-style through the bed, was missing a bumper, but did have a hitch. I couldn't believe there were no latex balls!

2) Decal on trunk that said "Redneck mafia." OK...what is the Redneck mafia? It is a group of country boys dealing in extortion, drug running and racketeering? Or it a code word for the Klan? Or is it a group of inbreds who work quietly behind the scenes to hick-ify our country. Perhaps they are responsible for pushing Realtree as a fashion statement, making Knucklefishing a TV event, getting GW Bush II elected to two terms and what must be their ultimate triumph to date: convincing the national media that a large part of the county cares about NASCAR. (FYI - ESPN, SI and mainstream media - I am pretty sure we don't)

3) Stickers on rear windows that are as follows:

a) One Dale Earnhardt #3 logo - that's key. He must be the aforementioned Mafia's version of Kurt Cobain, James Dean or JFK.

b) "Diesel Fumes make me Horny." Wow.....I'll let you run wild with this one. I don't know where to begin.

c) "Real Trucks don't have Spark Plugs" I actually liked this one, very clever. Much better than the usual Calvin pissing on any other vehicle logo, or worse yet kneeling before the cross. Hate those stickers!!!

4) The grand finale, unfortunately I couldn't get a good picture of it. On the side window, was a sticker that had a huge Dodge Ram logo with the caption up top "Cummin Hard." I assumed this was a reference to the Manliness of the engine. However, closer inspection revealed a naked woman's silhouette wrything in the throes of orgasmic passion straddled the ram's left horn. Bravo!!!! Way to combine classlessness, with bestiality and at least thematic hints at Satanism (Goats, female sexuality, Eve).

I submit to you dear readers...this gentleman...or country lesbian is in fact an asshole.