Of course I write bad about the Bengals and they go dominate Tennessee. But this week may be different. They face two challenges – The division leading Pittsburg Steelers and the mud puddle that is currently Heinz Field.
In seeking advice for this weeks contest, I reached out to former Phi Kappa Alpha mud wrestling champ, Brandi Zeller for some tips to securing a Bengal Win in what may be a very dirty, messy game.
Me: So Brandi, I’m real big fan of yours. I loved that match against Tiffany Brewster back in 1998 over at Tony Bishop’s Kegger. You really took it to her! So about the game, how do the Bengals need to get mentally prepared for this type playing surface?
Brandi: Thanks Chris, to be honest I don’t remember that night or much about college in general, but I think the Bengals should definitely take a few shots early in the game.
Me: You mean down field? Won’t that be hazardous given the bad footing for route running and pass blocking?
Brandi: No, I mean shots of booze- you to know to help them relax. I always got nervous before a big match….
Me: I think their coaches do that already and I know I have to have several drinks before I watch them. What about technique pointers for function on the slippery terrain?
Brandi: Well, I think it’s important to stay low and attack first. Momentum is like soooo important! Sometimes if I made the first move, the other girl would accidentally fall backwards, and I’d wind up on top and the crowd would go nuts!!! That’s when I knew I was doing good!
Me: So you’re saying the Bengals should be very aggressive both offensively and defensively, maintain the proper pad level during their blocks, and get momentum on their side and keep the Steeler crowd out of the game.
Brandi: (applying lipstick..) Did I say that?
There you have it fans – the keys to victory!
Don’t forget there’s a huge Thursday night game this week with The Green Bay Packers taking on the Dallas Cowboys. Its Brett Favre vs his wannabe successor, Tony Romo. Packer John – I support you and your team this week and I predict that Favre and company will roll to victory in a huge match up of 10 and 1 teams. Go Pack! Donald Driver forever – TO…..NEVER!!!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Football Week 12 - Return of the Bungles...
I cannot take anymore. Carson Palmer throwing 4 interceptions, 2 for a score. Special Teams and Defense play a decent game and the offense tanks it. Being a season ticket holder, I will be at the game this week - but here is my alternate list of things to do, besides watching Vince Young roll all over us on the field.
Barge Watch - an old favorite of mine. Place bets with friends on when the first barge will come by the stadium. Double down and pick what type of barge and what direction of travel. Could be Coal heading upriver? Garbage heading down? or a Chemical Barge in the 1st Quarter heading downstream. Hours of entertainment.
Escalator Bingo - Players bet on when the escalators on both ends of the field begin going down instead of up. If lucky you could see a rare 3rd quarter reversal, most times the reversal happens with 5 minutes or so remaining in the game.
Taunting - No silly - not opposing team's players or fans - ours. Nothing deserves heckling more than Chris Henry mugging for the cameras in a losing effort after he served an 8 game suspension that undoubtedly played a factor in our record after the first 8 games.
File a complaint-Call the jerk line on Marvin Lewis, Chad, Carson and Jonathan Joseph for impersonation of an NFL team, getting our hopes up in August and then crushing them once again. Move from section to section and use a Tracphone so you won't get traced.
Leave Early - If all of the above fail to amuse you, then there is nothing so exhilarating as leaving early - especially before halftime. You can go out for a beer, go home and rake leaves - play with the kids - sneak in 9 holes - they is so much you can do when you suddenly have your Sunday back.
That is the message people. Take back your Sunday! Don't waste it on the Bengals any more. Liberate yourself from the cycle of pain and depression...before its too late.
Barge Watch - an old favorite of mine. Place bets with friends on when the first barge will come by the stadium. Double down and pick what type of barge and what direction of travel. Could be Coal heading upriver? Garbage heading down? or a Chemical Barge in the 1st Quarter heading downstream. Hours of entertainment.
Escalator Bingo - Players bet on when the escalators on both ends of the field begin going down instead of up. If lucky you could see a rare 3rd quarter reversal, most times the reversal happens with 5 minutes or so remaining in the game.
Taunting - No silly - not opposing team's players or fans - ours. Nothing deserves heckling more than Chris Henry mugging for the cameras in a losing effort after he served an 8 game suspension that undoubtedly played a factor in our record after the first 8 games.
File a complaint-Call the jerk line on Marvin Lewis, Chad, Carson and Jonathan Joseph for impersonation of an NFL team, getting our hopes up in August and then crushing them once again. Move from section to section and use a Tracphone so you won't get traced.
Leave Early - If all of the above fail to amuse you, then there is nothing so exhilarating as leaving early - especially before halftime. You can go out for a beer, go home and rake leaves - play with the kids - sneak in 9 holes - they is so much you can do when you suddenly have your Sunday back.
That is the message people. Take back your Sunday! Don't waste it on the Bengals any more. Liberate yourself from the cycle of pain and depression...before its too late.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Things That Outrage Me Part 1
I cannot stand it when I pull into the grocery store looking for a parking spot somewhere close to the door and just when I think I spot one between the endless rows of SUV's and mini vans, I discover some lazy asshole has left their cart right in the middle of the damned parking spot when the cart corral is only 3 spaces away!
Then as I hike into the store, I have plenty of time to survey the rest of the parking lot. It's complete pandemonium! Carts in the flower beds, cards in between parking spots, carts in the middle of the road!
Inevitably some poor pimply faced, bad-hair having 16 year old is trying to wrestle all the carts back into the store, but he cannot keep up. Then your car gets a dent in it from a runaway cart, there's no dry carts on rainy day, and the only carts inside are the ones with the crooked wheels that drive like Lindsey Lohan after her usual breakfast cocktails.
Its a pretty simple concept people! Shopping Carts go in the Shopping Cart Corrals! That's it! They don't get wedged between your bumper and the next car, up in the mulch, or in the next spot. It's real freaking simple! 90% of the people do it right - why can't you?! Do you think your special?
You know what I think?!
I think maybe you are a lazy, selfish asshole! If you don't have the energy to push your cart up three rows, maybe you shouldn't a picked up that 3rd pack of HoHo's and spent your entire morning on your fat ass watching that Gilmore Girl's marathon all day on Lifetime. No wonder Type 2 diabetes and heart disease are epidemic!
If its OK to leave your cart in the middle of the parking lot, what other rules don't apply to you. Red Lights? Tax Laws? Homicide? Where do you draw the line? And that is the root issue here - people who think they have a freaking line item veto on the Rules. Because they are special, they apparently can inconvenience everyone else, do as they please and in the process be a complete and total douche bag.
Well I have had it, and I will continue to point out examples of world class douchery wherever and whenever I find it! Like cockroaches in the night, I hope they scatter when the bright light of my innocence and intellect fixes them in its beam. This is my promise to you. Until next time.
Then as I hike into the store, I have plenty of time to survey the rest of the parking lot. It's complete pandemonium! Carts in the flower beds, cards in between parking spots, carts in the middle of the road!
Inevitably some poor pimply faced, bad-hair having 16 year old is trying to wrestle all the carts back into the store, but he cannot keep up. Then your car gets a dent in it from a runaway cart, there's no dry carts on rainy day, and the only carts inside are the ones with the crooked wheels that drive like Lindsey Lohan after her usual breakfast cocktails.
Its a pretty simple concept people! Shopping Carts go in the Shopping Cart Corrals! That's it! They don't get wedged between your bumper and the next car, up in the mulch, or in the next spot. It's real freaking simple! 90% of the people do it right - why can't you?! Do you think your special?
You know what I think?!
I think maybe you are a lazy, selfish asshole! If you don't have the energy to push your cart up three rows, maybe you shouldn't a picked up that 3rd pack of HoHo's and spent your entire morning on your fat ass watching that Gilmore Girl's marathon all day on Lifetime. No wonder Type 2 diabetes and heart disease are epidemic!
If its OK to leave your cart in the middle of the parking lot, what other rules don't apply to you. Red Lights? Tax Laws? Homicide? Where do you draw the line? And that is the root issue here - people who think they have a freaking line item veto on the Rules. Because they are special, they apparently can inconvenience everyone else, do as they please and in the process be a complete and total douche bag.
Well I have had it, and I will continue to point out examples of world class douchery wherever and whenever I find it! Like cockroaches in the night, I hope they scatter when the bright light of my innocence and intellect fixes them in its beam. This is my promise to you. Until next time.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Things I am Outraged Over...
There are few things I like more than a well played rant. My natural writing voice lends itself to the format and so I am starting a new series of entries which shall be titled: Things I am Outraged Over. The content will be far ranging and I could pull material from any facet of our existence. The more trivial...the better.
Stay tuned...
Stay tuned...
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Sunday, Bloody Sunday.......
Strap on your helmets and get under your desks. Buy emergency supplies and gas up the generator. I am elevating the bomb threat level to Red....bright, bloody Cardinal Red!!! Our secondary is going up against one of the best receiving cores in the league, with Boldin, Fitgerald and Bryant Johnson all with big play abilities and a quarterback who knows how to throw bombs. Opposing them will be the battered combination of Leon "Where'd he go?!" Hall, Deltha " Every Other Play, On Every other Day, Is when I Play" O'Neal, and Jonathan "What Sophomore Slump?" Joseph.
Sure, I'm concerned. Do things look bleak? Absolutely. Are the playoffs completely out of the picture? It would a travesty, a crime against humanity if the Bengals lose this week at home. This game, this week, each play and each series we get to write our destiny on the pages of history. Is the season over?? What will become of us and what are we to do?In these dark times, when our fates hang on the razors edge, Bengal Fans, I implore you to seek solace in the words and the advice of Winston Churchill.
When the Blitz rained down on London, Nazi Bombers darkened the skies overhead, and all seemed lost - did Winston Churchill hide and wave the white flag...NO. When the people grew frightened and asked what they should do, this was his reply.
"You ask what is our policy. I will say, it is to wage war with all our might, with all the strength that God can give us, to wage war against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime.
"You ask what is our aim? I can answer in one word: Victory. Victory at all costs. Victory in spite of all terror. Victory however long and hard the road may be. For without victory there is no survival."
And for the Bengals, without victory there is no survival. And so we strap them up and lace them up and prepare to do battle against those who would destroy our season and our very Orange and Black Bengal way of life. From my Bunker, defending the Southern approaches to Paul Brown Stadium, I raise my fist in defiance and prepare for Sunday, Bloody Sunday.
Sure, I'm concerned. Do things look bleak? Absolutely. Are the playoffs completely out of the picture? It would a travesty, a crime against humanity if the Bengals lose this week at home. This game, this week, each play and each series we get to write our destiny on the pages of history. Is the season over?? What will become of us and what are we to do?In these dark times, when our fates hang on the razors edge, Bengal Fans, I implore you to seek solace in the words and the advice of Winston Churchill.
When the Blitz rained down on London, Nazi Bombers darkened the skies overhead, and all seemed lost - did Winston Churchill hide and wave the white flag...NO. When the people grew frightened and asked what they should do, this was his reply.
"You ask what is our policy. I will say, it is to wage war with all our might, with all the strength that God can give us, to wage war against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime.
"You ask what is our aim? I can answer in one word: Victory. Victory at all costs. Victory in spite of all terror. Victory however long and hard the road may be. For without victory there is no survival."
And for the Bengals, without victory there is no survival. And so we strap them up and lace them up and prepare to do battle against those who would destroy our season and our very Orange and Black Bengal way of life. From my Bunker, defending the Southern approaches to Paul Brown Stadium, I raise my fist in defiance and prepare for Sunday, Bloody Sunday.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Bengals v Ravens...The rematch
This game has all the drama of a cage match between Napoleon Dynamite and Pee Wee Herman. Sure somebody's going to win, punches will be thrown and hair pulled but nobody's watching at home to see two world class fighters at the top of their game. Instead its the novelty act, the 22 circus clowns stuffed onto the same field, trying to bungle and flap their way towards the end zone and an improbable victory.
Steve McNair and Willis McGahee, after being embarrassed by the Steelers on Monday night, have to be excited about the opportunity to face the Bengals defense. The revolving door at linebacker continues after an injury to Schlegel and our Charmin Corner's will continue to play squeezably soft. Expect a lot of perimeter runs and passes of the play action for big yardage.
When we have the ball, we'll try to get the ground game rolling against Baltimore's geriatric line. Since I have Rudi on my fantasy team, I am sure that won't work. But with several Baltimore secondary starters popping up on the injury report, Carson and company will try to go down field. Chris Henry is back and expected to contribute, if he doesn't get arrested before game time. Word has it, Marvin has him locked inside the stadium until time to catch the plane after this week's incident with a parking valet. Look up class in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of number 15. Lets hope he hasn't forgotten how to catch as apparently number 85 has.
Which brings me to my favorite part of last week's game: TJ holding a receiving clinic for Chad on the sidelines after another dropped pass. It looked like me showing my 4 year old how to catch!!
In summation, expect a sloppy game from both teams, Baltimore's at home and this may be the funniest thing I write all year...I predict a Bengal's win...27-21. Please check out the poll question - a new feature!!!!
Steve McNair and Willis McGahee, after being embarrassed by the Steelers on Monday night, have to be excited about the opportunity to face the Bengals defense. The revolving door at linebacker continues after an injury to Schlegel and our Charmin Corner's will continue to play squeezably soft. Expect a lot of perimeter runs and passes of the play action for big yardage.
When we have the ball, we'll try to get the ground game rolling against Baltimore's geriatric line. Since I have Rudi on my fantasy team, I am sure that won't work. But with several Baltimore secondary starters popping up on the injury report, Carson and company will try to go down field. Chris Henry is back and expected to contribute, if he doesn't get arrested before game time. Word has it, Marvin has him locked inside the stadium until time to catch the plane after this week's incident with a parking valet. Look up class in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of number 15. Lets hope he hasn't forgotten how to catch as apparently number 85 has.
Which brings me to my favorite part of last week's game: TJ holding a receiving clinic for Chad on the sidelines after another dropped pass. It looked like me showing my 4 year old how to catch!!
In summation, expect a sloppy game from both teams, Baltimore's at home and this may be the funniest thing I write all year...I predict a Bengal's win...27-21. Please check out the poll question - a new feature!!!!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
For the Confident, Treacherous Bogart!!!
I am really not sure what to say about this, except...when I saw it...I felt compelled to share it. I love the selling paragraph to the side, double click the image to enlarge. I want to wear a pair of these with a zucchini stuffed in them and ride public transportation and hang out (ha ha) on Fountain Square filming people's reactions. How soon would I be arrested??
How did this happen???!
"And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?"
Talking Heads, Once Upon a Life
I find it very hard to believe I have 2 kids. 2 kids...seems so much a bigger deal than 1. One kid, and you're starting a family, you're young and hip. I completely adore Emma. Jonathan is awesome. I have the best wife in the world. I am happy. (Which in and of itself sometimes feels weird.)But I gotta tell you, when Kid #2 come along, its like the Bureau of Stereotypes comes in while you're still in the hospital.
" I'm with the B.S. Just a couple questions before we let you go home. Great...Second Child? How old are you?"
"Yes, second child...I'm 31"
"Wonderful....I see you've lost most of your hair. Looks like you have a pretty sizable mortgage....that's excellent. Oh...and I see here it looks like you spend a fair amount of time worrying about your 401-K. We really like to see that! Any urges to buy a Sports Car, or cheat on your wife, quit your job and start a dairy farm?"
"No, but I did run a triathlon last month, I am planning on doing a marathon this spring and I have found myself very absorbed in Sports the past few years. Is that normal?"
"Oh perfectly normal, we see it all the time. You're interest in racing in simply you trying to convince yourself that 30 doesn't mean your over the hill. The obsession with sports, also common in the over 30 non athlete is you trying to identify yourself with younger, richer more virile males.
"OK Good that's a relief I guess, so now what?"
"Well...I suggest going home. Do you have a minivan or an SUV?"
"We have a Jeep Cherokee."
"Great...well, I'll check back in a couple years. I'd really like to see you add a few pounds to your mid section, get that BP and Cholesterol up. Hopefully we can start start talking about Type 2 Diabetes. Maybe you should consider making an irrational purchase like a hot tub or a boat. Also, start thinking about that Disney vacation."
"Gee thanks, so uh I guess this is it....?"
"This is it, see you in a few years!"
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?"
Talking Heads, Once Upon a Life
I find it very hard to believe I have 2 kids. 2 kids...seems so much a bigger deal than 1. One kid, and you're starting a family, you're young and hip. I completely adore Emma. Jonathan is awesome. I have the best wife in the world. I am happy. (Which in and of itself sometimes feels weird.)But I gotta tell you, when Kid #2 come along, its like the Bureau of Stereotypes comes in while you're still in the hospital.
" I'm with the B.S. Just a couple questions before we let you go home. Great...Second Child? How old are you?"
"Yes, second child...I'm 31"
"Wonderful....I see you've lost most of your hair. Looks like you have a pretty sizable mortgage....that's excellent. Oh...and I see here it looks like you spend a fair amount of time worrying about your 401-K. We really like to see that! Any urges to buy a Sports Car, or cheat on your wife, quit your job and start a dairy farm?"
"No, but I did run a triathlon last month, I am planning on doing a marathon this spring and I have found myself very absorbed in Sports the past few years. Is that normal?"
"Oh perfectly normal, we see it all the time. You're interest in racing in simply you trying to convince yourself that 30 doesn't mean your over the hill. The obsession with sports, also common in the over 30 non athlete is you trying to identify yourself with younger, richer more virile males.
"OK Good that's a relief I guess, so now what?"
"Well...I suggest going home. Do you have a minivan or an SUV?"
"We have a Jeep Cherokee."
"Great...well, I'll check back in a couple years. I'd really like to see you add a few pounds to your mid section, get that BP and Cholesterol up. Hopefully we can start start talking about Type 2 Diabetes. Maybe you should consider making an irrational purchase like a hot tub or a boat. Also, start thinking about that Disney vacation."
"Gee thanks, so uh I guess this is it....?"
"This is it, see you in a few years!"
Friday, November 2, 2007
Obituary
The 2007 Bengals Play-Off Hopes died this past Sunday, taken too soon from this earth after only 7 games. The Hope had been frail this year, suffering many injuries which depleted an already frail body decimated by suspensions, free angency and bad draft decisions. Hope is survived by her sisters, Misery, Disbelief, Despair and a brother, Rage.
Marvin Lewis spoke at the wake, giggling "We've all got to try and do our jobs and move forward." He blabbered on about responsibility, selfishness and challenges of surviving in the league without stopping the other team.
Ahmad Brooks was supposed to speak, but reinjured his groin on the way to the podium . Odell Thurman was present, and was so distraught he skipped an AA meeting to keep his former team mates company at the bar. I last saw him leading Chris Henry and Reggie Neal in rousing game of beer pong.
Marvin, Chad, Carson and TJ were seen arguing over who should be at what position when the casket was carried out. The discussion became so heated that TJ angrily threw his hat. Then Carson and Marvin staggered under the addition weight when Chad suddenly left the procession to go find his special funeral shoes and casket handling gloves.
As of right now, the Bengals are in position for the 8th pick in the draft in 2008, where we will all join for the rebirth of Hope
Marvin Lewis spoke at the wake, giggling "We've all got to try and do our jobs and move forward." He blabbered on about responsibility, selfishness and challenges of surviving in the league without stopping the other team.
Ahmad Brooks was supposed to speak, but reinjured his groin on the way to the podium . Odell Thurman was present, and was so distraught he skipped an AA meeting to keep his former team mates company at the bar. I last saw him leading Chris Henry and Reggie Neal in rousing game of beer pong.
Marvin, Chad, Carson and TJ were seen arguing over who should be at what position when the casket was carried out. The discussion became so heated that TJ angrily threw his hat. Then Carson and Marvin staggered under the addition weight when Chad suddenly left the procession to go find his special funeral shoes and casket handling gloves.
As of right now, the Bengals are in position for the 8th pick in the draft in 2008, where we will all join for the rebirth of Hope
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