Is there anything more delicious than a Manhattan? A martini glass fresh from the freezer, all frosty and anxious. An enormous cherry just waiting to realize it's potential in the perfect blend of bourbon and vermouth. A float of ice drifting on the top born of aggressive, expert shaking. You know it’s ready to pour when the tin has frosted over and you cannot feel your fingers. Just a whisper of cherry juice….not too much, only enough so there’s a subtle under current. These things require, no demand, an easy touch.
After the first few sips of this delightful cocktail, you can feel the tension leave your body. The couch feels a little more comfortable, the game a little more watchable, the very world a little more manageable.
You take your time, you savor it. With each passing drink, you think, “God…this is a good drink!” You congratulate yourself on bypassing the High Life in the fridge. Then, almost by surprise, you see your glass is empty…or is it? There alone is the Cherry. All that time you sipped, and chatted and congratulated yourself on your wise decision, that Cherry was there. You may have forgotten, but she has not. She has patiently waited for you. And while you took your sweet time coming home to her, she greets you warmly. She’s not upset, and she won’t deny you. Ever so gently, yet greedily you pluck her from the glass by her stem, and take her into your mouth. The burst of flavors is ecstatic, boozy perfection. Shhhhh…Don’t ruin it with words.
Can it get any better? There’s only one way to know, and the shaker left idle on the counter beckons you. It’s Friday….why not.
It’s a three day weekend, you deserve a great drink. Here’s my recipe. Share with a friend or loved one.
For two delicious Manhattan’s.
2 Martini Glasses chilled in the freezer for at least 30 minutes
6 oz of Maker’s Mark (You could use another Bourbon….but why??)
1.25 oz of Sweet Vermouth….the red one silly.
A minimum of 2 enormous cocktail cherries with stems. The biggest you can find. Size does matter.
Pour liquid into mixing tin and fill with ice. Shake it hard. No harder you pussy! You want to bust that ice up.
Remove glasses from freezer. Gently lower a cherry into each glass. Or two if you have the stamina.
Add 1 Teaspoon of cherry juice to each glass.
Give the shaker a final shake, and pour equally into each glass.
You’re welcome.....
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
For Whom the Bell Tolls
Each passing second of the clock brings us closer to the Bengal's season opener. Each passing second inevitably crashes into the next. A mournful, pealing sound resounds through Bengaldom. The ringing of bells. Funeral bells.
It seems like just weeks ago when we were young and naive and looking forward to the season. We lauded Zimmer and Fitzgerald and whispered about Chris Perry, giddy in our disbelief and unwilling to speak too loud lest we jinx it. We were so excited to have football back, we didn't seem to mind that Jeremi was fat, that TJ wasn't practicing.
With each passing second, Reality takes its insidious toll on us. Trade Rudi Johnson? A torn labrum? Mike vs Marvin? Chris Henry? Then there were the preseason games. Do we have a 1st team offense? Carson with a broken nose? The clock ticks on and the questions pile up, but Marvin's not talking. At least not in English. As Marvin said last week, being frustrated may well be our choice, but being concerned and skeptical as to what type of product will be on the field in Baltimore is an inevitable conclusion based on the evidence to date.
I face the opener with both anticipation and dread. I hope the clarion call of victory will drown out the dirges in my mind, but until the game clock expires the ringing (and the hand wringing) will continue.
It seems like just weeks ago when we were young and naive and looking forward to the season. We lauded Zimmer and Fitzgerald and whispered about Chris Perry, giddy in our disbelief and unwilling to speak too loud lest we jinx it. We were so excited to have football back, we didn't seem to mind that Jeremi was fat, that TJ wasn't practicing.
With each passing second, Reality takes its insidious toll on us. Trade Rudi Johnson? A torn labrum? Mike vs Marvin? Chris Henry? Then there were the preseason games. Do we have a 1st team offense? Carson with a broken nose? The clock ticks on and the questions pile up, but Marvin's not talking. At least not in English. As Marvin said last week, being frustrated may well be our choice, but being concerned and skeptical as to what type of product will be on the field in Baltimore is an inevitable conclusion based on the evidence to date.
I face the opener with both anticipation and dread. I hope the clarion call of victory will drown out the dirges in my mind, but until the game clock expires the ringing (and the hand wringing) will continue.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Youth Soccer: An Inside/Outsider's perspective
Those of you that know me, know that from time to time I tend to get in over my head. Regardless of if it's home repair, gardening, raising kids etc. I recently volunteered to coach kids soccer, the challenge is....I know nothing about soccer. And so, here I am again, in over my head, and to top things off, I have a double header this weekend to coach. Here are some comments on my experiences over the first couple weeks.
This is the first sport we've played where we have real practices. Now, previously coaching T-Ball, I am used to kids getting bored, playing in the dirt or peeing on second base because they can. The Good news about Soccer: Its pretty much constant movement and thus hard to get bored. The Bad news about Soccer : 12 constantly moving 5 years old kids + 1 ignorant coach= total bedlam.
Miscellaneous Game Observations
Soccer changes possession like Basketball except you have a confusing array of methods to put the ball back in play. Sometimes its a Goal Kick, other times it's a Corner Kick, sometimes you just throw it in. But...you have to throw it a special way. No lob passes. Why can't you just inbound the damned ball?? During practice when a ball goes out, I lean on the kids heavily....
Alright....what the fuck just happened???
"Uhhh......OK...who touched it last?"
Some kid raises his hand.
"Were you defense or offense?"
" I'm playing Forward!"
Forward?! What the Fuck is that...never mind, just go with it!
"Great! Now kids...what do we do when the Forward (I do the hand quotation remarks, because at that point I thought the kid was making that term up...) kicks the ball out of bounds?"
The ones that have played before scream out, " A Corner Kick!!!"
Super! Another term I don't know...
"Great!!! Now...who can show me one?!"
And that's how I survived the 1st practice. Every time, play stopped, I just starting asking questions. By employing the Socratic Method I was able to draw the knowledge out of the kids and conceal the fact that I am just an idiot with a whistle. Who said Philosophy Majors were useless?
In 6 on 6 Youth Soccer, there are positions like Goalie, Forwards, Strikers and Full Backs. Oddly and most perplexing to me, Fullbacks are on Defense. Other comments: Getting a 5 year old to stay in the Goal Box is hard. Getting both of my Fullbacks to stay out of the big scrum consisting of both team's Forwards is impossible.
Teaching kids that were raised on Barney to steal the ball away from someone else is very hard. I try to tell them it's OK, they won't get in trouble...but most of them don't believe me. The only thing harder than teaching them to steal, is trying to convince them that passing is a good idea from time to time. I have 5 little Beckhams on the field and every time they touch the ball they're going downtown and taking that size 4 ball straight to the House!
I'm doing two games from 2:00pm-to 4:00pm this Saturday, you should come out. I guarantee entertainment and something that loosely resembles a couple soccer games.
This is the first sport we've played where we have real practices. Now, previously coaching T-Ball, I am used to kids getting bored, playing in the dirt or peeing on second base because they can. The Good news about Soccer: Its pretty much constant movement and thus hard to get bored. The Bad news about Soccer : 12 constantly moving 5 years old kids + 1 ignorant coach= total bedlam.
Miscellaneous Game Observations
Soccer changes possession like Basketball except you have a confusing array of methods to put the ball back in play. Sometimes its a Goal Kick, other times it's a Corner Kick, sometimes you just throw it in. But...you have to throw it a special way. No lob passes. Why can't you just inbound the damned ball?? During practice when a ball goes out, I lean on the kids heavily....
Alright....what the fuck just happened???
"Uhhh......OK...who touched it last?"
Some kid raises his hand.
"Were you defense or offense?"
" I'm playing Forward!"
Forward?! What the Fuck is that...never mind, just go with it!
"Great! Now kids...what do we do when the Forward (I do the hand quotation remarks, because at that point I thought the kid was making that term up...) kicks the ball out of bounds?"
The ones that have played before scream out, " A Corner Kick!!!"
Super! Another term I don't know...
"Great!!! Now...who can show me one?!"
And that's how I survived the 1st practice. Every time, play stopped, I just starting asking questions. By employing the Socratic Method I was able to draw the knowledge out of the kids and conceal the fact that I am just an idiot with a whistle. Who said Philosophy Majors were useless?
In 6 on 6 Youth Soccer, there are positions like Goalie, Forwards, Strikers and Full Backs. Oddly and most perplexing to me, Fullbacks are on Defense. Other comments: Getting a 5 year old to stay in the Goal Box is hard. Getting both of my Fullbacks to stay out of the big scrum consisting of both team's Forwards is impossible.
Teaching kids that were raised on Barney to steal the ball away from someone else is very hard. I try to tell them it's OK, they won't get in trouble...but most of them don't believe me. The only thing harder than teaching them to steal, is trying to convince them that passing is a good idea from time to time. I have 5 little Beckhams on the field and every time they touch the ball they're going downtown and taking that size 4 ball straight to the House!
I'm doing two games from 2:00pm-to 4:00pm this Saturday, you should come out. I guarantee entertainment and something that loosely resembles a couple soccer games.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Tactical Remodelling
I spent 20 minutes today duct-taping a $500 leather ottoman that was destroyed by a team effort from my son and our two dogs. We spent all day cleaning carpets this past Saturday cleaning stains and odors that were the result of spills or excretory processes from one of our 5 animals and/or 2 children. I am actually considering buying a used commercial Rug Doctor.
Over their tenure in our house, the dogs have ate 2 couches, a mattress, multiple blankets, countless articles of clothing, kids toys and wood trim. Yes wood trim…no I don’t know why. As for my three cats, I have three litter boxes in the house….three. I built a special litter box platform. Yet still they go through spells where they prefer the carpet.
As my wife and I think about decorating projects we cannot afford, we actually have started designing with a mind towards life with pets and kids. Carpet is out, hardwood is in. Overstuffed is out. Ballistic nylon or heavy leather is in. Tile is looking good! Anything white is out of the question. How scrub-able or easy to clean is it , is an often considered discussion point.
Since I appear to be doomed to live in ma petite menagerie, I propose an alternate design to what we have discussed thus far. (My apologies to those who have heard this before…) I want to install hose bibs in every room. I want to tile the walls to the 4 ft mark, build out the wall so that it curves into the floor, and then sink a drain in the middle of every room. For furniture, I am envisioning plastic inflatables. At the end of the day, pull out a hose, spray everything down, squeegee toward the drain, and move to the next room.
We then banish all animals from the basement and upstairs, doing so by removing both stairways. We’ll move through the house on fire poles and retractable rope ladders to make sure they cannot come up…or down. It’s the only way to have certain zones of the house which are completely animal free. No hair, no urine, no funny smells, no tracked litter, coughed up hairballs, claw marked furniture and so on and so forth.
And unlike simply shooting the animals or taking to a shelter, (so they can kill them for us) there’s no guilt, no woeful looks from children and wife as I do my very best Evil Noah impression and load the Pilot full of animals to take the Animal Shelter. Who’s with me? Anyone know where I can get a nice wrap a round inflatable sofa with cup holders? Football season is upon us.
Over their tenure in our house, the dogs have ate 2 couches, a mattress, multiple blankets, countless articles of clothing, kids toys and wood trim. Yes wood trim…no I don’t know why. As for my three cats, I have three litter boxes in the house….three. I built a special litter box platform. Yet still they go through spells where they prefer the carpet.
As my wife and I think about decorating projects we cannot afford, we actually have started designing with a mind towards life with pets and kids. Carpet is out, hardwood is in. Overstuffed is out. Ballistic nylon or heavy leather is in. Tile is looking good! Anything white is out of the question. How scrub-able or easy to clean is it , is an often considered discussion point.
Since I appear to be doomed to live in ma petite menagerie, I propose an alternate design to what we have discussed thus far. (My apologies to those who have heard this before…) I want to install hose bibs in every room. I want to tile the walls to the 4 ft mark, build out the wall so that it curves into the floor, and then sink a drain in the middle of every room. For furniture, I am envisioning plastic inflatables. At the end of the day, pull out a hose, spray everything down, squeegee toward the drain, and move to the next room.
We then banish all animals from the basement and upstairs, doing so by removing both stairways. We’ll move through the house on fire poles and retractable rope ladders to make sure they cannot come up…or down. It’s the only way to have certain zones of the house which are completely animal free. No hair, no urine, no funny smells, no tracked litter, coughed up hairballs, claw marked furniture and so on and so forth.
And unlike simply shooting the animals or taking to a shelter, (so they can kill them for us) there’s no guilt, no woeful looks from children and wife as I do my very best Evil Noah impression and load the Pilot full of animals to take the Animal Shelter. Who’s with me? Anyone know where I can get a nice wrap a round inflatable sofa with cup holders? Football season is upon us.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Bengals 2008: Yes...No....uh...Maybe???
There are dozens of websites that will give you their thoughts on the upcoming Bengals season. Of those dozens, 2 or 3 will actually know what they are talking about. I don't have the football intellect to keep up with the serious armchair analysts, so here's my thoughts and observations on the 2008 Bengals.
1) This is my favorite time to be a Bengals fan - all the glittering potential. Right now we all can go sleep at night thinking Chad's going to be fine, Rudi's going to rush for over a 1000 yards, River's hold out won't hurt him and the Zimmer/Fitzgerald tandem are going to fix what several other coordinators and position coaches couldn't.
2) Jeremy Johnson is fat. He couldn't run through a block and open up a hole if there was a box of donuts, a gallon of iced Grape Kool-Aid, and a comfy couch and a PS3 on the other side waiting on him.
3) Ahmad Brooks: 200 watt physical ability, 25 watt mental ability. Will we get it right with Rivers????
4) Jordan may look like Carson but thus far seems to be playing like the #4 QB, rather than the #1 QB.
5) This division is winnable. Ravens are retooling, the Browns over-achieved last year, and the Steelers aren't looking too healthy right now. The flip side is we aren't scaring anybody either.
6) Seeing Chris Perry at camp moving fast, cutting and taking hits made my nipples hard. All bets are off if he stays healthy.
7) Eric Ghiaciuc.......maybe not up to filling R. Braham's shoes? Can we compete successfully with a project at this position like Whit or Bobbie when it's game time?
8) How tired are you of saying, and hearing, " "This team will go as far as the Offense takes them?" Great! Will they get on the field enough? Having said that....once again I find myself very enthusiastic about our Offense and wary about our defense. I like what I saw in person at the Scrimmage and read of the reports from camp....but its not real football and we open with 4 tough games this year and then have a brutal schedule the rest of the year.
9) Will special teams ever be special again? I like Corey Lynch and Kyries Hebert....and I bet Darrin Simmons does too. I think they will be back up to their form from a couple years ago.
P.S. Dear Darrin: Please don't let Glenn Holt return anything but his playbook this year!
Add it all up and what does it mean? I have no idea. But I cannot wait for Monday Night.
1) This is my favorite time to be a Bengals fan - all the glittering potential. Right now we all can go sleep at night thinking Chad's going to be fine, Rudi's going to rush for over a 1000 yards, River's hold out won't hurt him and the Zimmer/Fitzgerald tandem are going to fix what several other coordinators and position coaches couldn't.
2) Jeremy Johnson is fat. He couldn't run through a block and open up a hole if there was a box of donuts, a gallon of iced Grape Kool-Aid, and a comfy couch and a PS3 on the other side waiting on him.
3) Ahmad Brooks: 200 watt physical ability, 25 watt mental ability. Will we get it right with Rivers????
4) Jordan may look like Carson but thus far seems to be playing like the #4 QB, rather than the #1 QB.
5) This division is winnable. Ravens are retooling, the Browns over-achieved last year, and the Steelers aren't looking too healthy right now. The flip side is we aren't scaring anybody either.
6) Seeing Chris Perry at camp moving fast, cutting and taking hits made my nipples hard. All bets are off if he stays healthy.
7) Eric Ghiaciuc.......maybe not up to filling R. Braham's shoes? Can we compete successfully with a project at this position like Whit or Bobbie when it's game time?
8) How tired are you of saying, and hearing, " "This team will go as far as the Offense takes them?" Great! Will they get on the field enough? Having said that....once again I find myself very enthusiastic about our Offense and wary about our defense. I like what I saw in person at the Scrimmage and read of the reports from camp....but its not real football and we open with 4 tough games this year and then have a brutal schedule the rest of the year.
9) Will special teams ever be special again? I like Corey Lynch and Kyries Hebert....and I bet Darrin Simmons does too. I think they will be back up to their form from a couple years ago.
P.S. Dear Darrin: Please don't let Glenn Holt return anything but his playbook this year!
Add it all up and what does it mean? I have no idea. But I cannot wait for Monday Night.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
The Death of Cool
Cool passed away today in Burlington. Cool was survived by two thirty something's with kids. They couldn't stay for the service as they had to get to soccer practice, but sent a nice note and flower arrangement. In their note, they vowed to go out on "date-nights" once a month to remember Cool and their former relationship with their since deceased friend and partner. The cause of death was complications from a long struggle with domesticity. It's health took serious blows following a large mortgage, graduation from law school and the birth of two children. The fatal blow was dealt when the Pilot was brought home and subsequently parked next to the Accord.
I had one of those how lame am I moments earlier this week. I was mowing in the grass, and I looked in the driveway and took note of my wife and I's cars. Two Hondas. Now don't get me wrong, Hondas are great cars. Dependable, affordable, good gas mileage and very, very practical. Not to mention completely, helplessly and utterly uncool.
There's the problem. It's kinda like shoes. Sometime, you need a cool, snazzy pair of shoes. Something strappy perhaps for the ladies, something shiny for the men. You know, for that big night out. Driving a Pilot or Accord is like always wearing sensible shoes no matter the occasion. Comparable with wearing tennis shoes with a suit(in non ironic fashion), or flats with a really nice dress. But flats and gym shoes are all we have to wear...everyday....for the foreseeable future. Driving an Accord isn't exciting, it isn't cool. How could it be? Its a 4 door sedan produced in the hundreds of thousands! You get confused in parking lots because there's a million other cars just....like...yours. Which implies, that said occupants of all those cars, are really nothing special either.
I've never had a cool car. I went from heaps of junk to a sedan my company paid for. Kinda like going from Pro-Wings to Rockports. The Accord is the business causal of automobiles. My wife had a Mustang at one point, but the way she drives it would be wasted on her now. (She has a chronically light right foot.) She used to have a Jeep, which I guess was a little more hip than a Pilot. After the Jeep passed on, perhaps it knew we no longer had what it took to be "Jeep" people, we purchased a Pilot. A Pilot is an SUV for people who don't like the look of minivans, but still have to haul kids and soccer equipment around. It even has a column shifter. It's the Mom-Mobile.
So staring right back at me, as I paused mowing the yard, was Business Causal and Mom Jeans with a Applique Sweater. I wanted to argue, "But we're so much more than that!" But the people driving by had their windows rolled up, and all they saw was a bald guy mowing the lawn in front of a nice house with two Hondas in the driveway.
I had one of those how lame am I moments earlier this week. I was mowing in the grass, and I looked in the driveway and took note of my wife and I's cars. Two Hondas. Now don't get me wrong, Hondas are great cars. Dependable, affordable, good gas mileage and very, very practical. Not to mention completely, helplessly and utterly uncool.
There's the problem. It's kinda like shoes. Sometime, you need a cool, snazzy pair of shoes. Something strappy perhaps for the ladies, something shiny for the men. You know, for that big night out. Driving a Pilot or Accord is like always wearing sensible shoes no matter the occasion. Comparable with wearing tennis shoes with a suit(in non ironic fashion), or flats with a really nice dress. But flats and gym shoes are all we have to wear...everyday....for the foreseeable future. Driving an Accord isn't exciting, it isn't cool. How could it be? Its a 4 door sedan produced in the hundreds of thousands! You get confused in parking lots because there's a million other cars just....like...yours. Which implies, that said occupants of all those cars, are really nothing special either.
I've never had a cool car. I went from heaps of junk to a sedan my company paid for. Kinda like going from Pro-Wings to Rockports. The Accord is the business causal of automobiles. My wife had a Mustang at one point, but the way she drives it would be wasted on her now. (She has a chronically light right foot.) She used to have a Jeep, which I guess was a little more hip than a Pilot. After the Jeep passed on, perhaps it knew we no longer had what it took to be "Jeep" people, we purchased a Pilot. A Pilot is an SUV for people who don't like the look of minivans, but still have to haul kids and soccer equipment around. It even has a column shifter. It's the Mom-Mobile.
So staring right back at me, as I paused mowing the yard, was Business Causal and Mom Jeans with a Applique Sweater. I wanted to argue, "But we're so much more than that!" But the people driving by had their windows rolled up, and all they saw was a bald guy mowing the lawn in front of a nice house with two Hondas in the driveway.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Hey Buddy...Nice Pole!!
All right, I'm going to write something that might piss my 4 readers off. I'm driving home last night, and I pass this house with an enormous flag pole in front. It was probably 50 ft tall, and clearly dwarfed the surrounding structures. Thankfully, it was flying the US flag on top, and the state flag underneath. Around here though, it could have been flying any number of flags including but not limited to Dale Earnhardt (your choice) , UK, OSU, or even the Stars and Bars. But I'm going on record here. Unless your house is a mayoral or governor's residence, or an official building, you don't need a flag pole that big.
I can understand wanting to fly Old Glory, that's what the standard 6 foot porch poles are for but you don't need a pole that can be seen 3 subdivisions over. Your house isn't Mt. Suribachi or Porch Chop Hill. Even if you are stuck in a Adjustable Rate Mortgage, I think its safe to assume you didn't give life or limb for your Contemporary Colonial. Besides, its already well within previously defined US territory, so we all know what country your 1/2 acre lot belongs to.
So then, why feel the need for such a strong statement? Are you are in fact, a closet communist? Cleverly hiding your Stalinist leanings beneath the looming shadow of your enormous metal pole, which also serves as a convenient radio tower so you can send secret messages back to the Kremlin. Are you just that kinda guy? The kind of guy who wakes up with Lee Greenwood blaring and sports a high-lighted mullet with stars and stripes underwear? I see that big Hummer (No not the H2...the Real Deal) parked in your driveway.....do you have the biggest TV on the block, the gas grill that rocks the most BTU's. Are you compensating? All that "Bigger" in your life to make up for something else perhaps???
I can't say. I don't even know who this person was, but as an American citizen, I just have to ask: Just because we can do something, does that mean we have to? Could we perhaps control ourselves, at times even be accused of being somewhat understated?
I know...I know....that's crazy talk.
I can understand wanting to fly Old Glory, that's what the standard 6 foot porch poles are for but you don't need a pole that can be seen 3 subdivisions over. Your house isn't Mt. Suribachi or Porch Chop Hill. Even if you are stuck in a Adjustable Rate Mortgage, I think its safe to assume you didn't give life or limb for your Contemporary Colonial. Besides, its already well within previously defined US territory, so we all know what country your 1/2 acre lot belongs to.
So then, why feel the need for such a strong statement? Are you are in fact, a closet communist? Cleverly hiding your Stalinist leanings beneath the looming shadow of your enormous metal pole, which also serves as a convenient radio tower so you can send secret messages back to the Kremlin. Are you just that kinda guy? The kind of guy who wakes up with Lee Greenwood blaring and sports a high-lighted mullet with stars and stripes underwear? I see that big Hummer (No not the H2...the Real Deal) parked in your driveway.....do you have the biggest TV on the block, the gas grill that rocks the most BTU's. Are you compensating? All that "Bigger" in your life to make up for something else perhaps???
I can't say. I don't even know who this person was, but as an American citizen, I just have to ask: Just because we can do something, does that mean we have to? Could we perhaps control ourselves, at times even be accused of being somewhat understated?
I know...I know....that's crazy talk.
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