Things People Buy.....

I am a question asker. After seeing this item for sale in the Sky Mall Magazine, I asked the following: 1) Why are 2 of the knobs so much longer than the others? 2) What is the look on this lady's face all about.

I think this is just the thing for a deep penetrating massage. And I think this model is hoping she gets to keep the sample.

Just my thoughts...

No Senator Craig, This Is Not My PT...

Travelling as I frequently do for business, I get to enjoy the rental car experience very frequently. I have an adventurous spirit and I always reserve the economy or small car option. Not only is it cheaper, but sometimes the rental companies will be out of econo cars and you get a free upgrade. This past trip to Minnesota, was not one of those trips.

I have ridden in lots of crappy small cars with my knees in my ears and my luggage in my lap: Cobalts, Neons, Kia Spectrums, Hyundai’s. With the exception of the Spectrum, they all sucked. But my most recent rental sucked like the Senator from Minnesota in a corner bathroom stall.

My departure from Avis was delayed because I couldn't find the window controls - oh there they were, on the center of the console just beneath the CD player - that's intuitive placement!

Merging onto the express way, was like walking through Over the Rhine in a Klan Robe - taking your life into your hands and placing faith in the kindness and generosity of total strangers. It was late and I was in a hurry to get to Eau Claire. (Once I got there, I wondered what my hurry was....) I accelerated down I-94, the engine screaming, chassis shaking, tachometer inching past 3 , this fine piece of engineering working overtime to get me to the jowl-shaking speed of 55. At one point I checked the worlds dumbest shift knob (Imagine an oversized Blo-Pop) - to make sure I wasn't in 2nd gear.

The Trunk was more like an expanded glovebox and the backseat might have sat Vern Troyer and a large coke comfortably.

The only thing worse than driving this piece of domestic doo-doo, was knowing how unbelievably (insert insult here...lame, dumb, gay, loserish) I looked. The hotel clerk snickered when I told her what I was driving and then she asked me to give an opinion on her hair. What was that about? Old men gave me the finger and laughed when they passed me in their Buick's. One threw his Colostomy Bag at me. By the way - the windshield wipers suck too.

Is There a Linebacker in the House???

The ominous silence in the room is broken up by the dutiful whirr of the respirator. It’s rhythmic pumping punctuated only by the beeping of the heart monitor.

The Doctor increasingly frustrated with his patient’s condition, slams the chart down.

“Damn it! What this patient needs is a win. I’m a Doctor…not a linebacker!”

The 2007 Bengals lay on life support, a strong second half effort against the not so strong Jets kept the respirator running for another week. But the Doctor isn’t worried about Gang Green setting in anymore….now he has turned his attention to an even more deadly pestilence…Yellow Fever.

The Pittsburg Steelers bring their daunting defense, that grinning bastard Hines Ward and Fast Willie Parker to PBS on Sunday, along with someone who knows a thing or two about the ICU – Ben “Unbreakable” Roethlisberger. In years past during Steeler week, the stadium has looked like Heinz Field West, an outbreak twirling yellowness of that size could spell defeat for Cincinnati and a virtual end to any playoff hopes. The Jungle turned in a key play last week on a fumbled snap by Chad Pennington and a recovery by Domata Peko. The bad snap was the direct result of a boisterous crowd.

Our defense has been in a coma since week 1, we need them this Sunday , only one thing can save them, and that one thing is you. Do you want the Bengals to pull though? Do you want them to live in hopes of the playoffs for another week? Will you take action, or will you just stand there and heartlessly watch them die on the bed? There’s only one thing you can do. There’s only one thing you must do. They say that speaking to coma patients can help them recover. If talking can heal, screaming must be better. Sunday when the Steelers have the ball, clap your hands, and yell at the top of your lungs. Slam your hands on the backs of the seats in front of you and scream like William Wallace attacking the King’s Men. I don’t care if you sitting on the 50 yard line or on your fake leather couch….yell until your larynx shatters and spittle flies from your chapped bruised lips.

Kick off is at 1:00pm, I hope to hear you there.

This week in football

Once I stopped watching the football game on Sunday, I had a great day. Jonathan and I played football, did some yard work. It was a pleasant counter balance to the crap fest I watched for three quarters and the biggest waste of 4 deliciously cold High Life's since last week's game.
Here's some thoughts on what I did watch though.

How stupid did Jared Allen look while single handedly dominating our million dollar tackle, Levi Jones. He lost me somewhere between the handle bar mustache and the do-rag haphazardly placed on his head. By the third quarter I was so sick of looking at his big hee-haw grin-having face, I left the room.

There was also a technical malfunction with my signal where all the sound effects and background noises were crazy loud and all the announcers were too quiet to be heard. I dove for cover the first time the little digital blimp went by on the screen "BLERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!" Every graphic which popped up (like the one's detailing Jared Allen's sack figures, mustache length and hair product preferences) it was like a train roaring through the living room. "WHOOOOOOSHHHHH!" I also felt like sending Bill Billicheat a tape of the game, because I could hear all the signals being called. When Carson got hit, my kidney's and back hurt, when Chad ran the wrong route and the ball thudded into the ground, another little small orange and black piece of me died.

Those were the best parts of the game for me. This week we face the Jets, a team possibly as bad as we are. Only one will emerge with 2 wins. I will be at the game, and will report back. I make no predictions, no promises.

More Things Seen While Driving.....

As I drove down Kentucky 18, I found myself behind a Department of Fish and Wildlife Vehicle. This agency is responsible for preserving the natural resources of the state of Kentucky making sure that future generations can enjoy them. A noble calling if ever there was one...

I was shocked when I saw the ranger throw a cigarette butt out of the window. Now I was willing to give the department a pass for driving a huge Durango SUV - after all most of what the DFW does is regulate hunting and fishing and you need a 4 Wheel drive vehicle to do the job. But not littering.

This guy's probably on the way to a local school to give a talk on conservation. One would presume that this talk would involve things like not littering, being a good caretaker of the land, maybe fire safety. In fact I'm pretty sure littering is a ticketable offenses in the state of Kentucky or certainly fire safety violations are. But here's this asshole ranger getting 10 miles to the gallon, flicking cigarette butts out the door on his way to save Nature?!!!!

I suppose once he's driven 20 miles off road destroying wide swaths of natural habitat with his all-terrain tires vainly in search of someone to give a ticket to for fishing without a license, he'll get out and take a shit the creek, smoke another cigarette then throw the glowing butt in a pile dried pine needles. Then he might shovel all the McDonald's bags out of the back seat onto the ground and then do donuts through fragile ego systems.

After a hard day's work, he'll sit on his sofa on the front porch, sipping ice cold Milwaukee's Best tossing the cans over his shoulder, smoking and shooting squirrels with a 0.22 for fun.

Its good to know that the Department is training their people to really look out for the environment. I know I feel better about the future of Kentucky's natural treasures after watching this Treasure in action.

Still waiting....

Number Two Kid is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against the Jets and looks to be a game time decision.

Jill aka "Mad Dog" clearly "getting up" for the game against the Jets, was quoted as saying, "Every night I go to bed angry. Everyday I wake up angry. I'll tell you right now, the pressure's building. I can't wait until Sunday! I'm gonna kill somebody!" Its that kind of passion that has made her a big part of this team, and all signs point to a big week for her coming up against Gang Green.

When asked if he was concerned about the availability of Kid #2 for Sunday, Coach replied "He'll get here when he gets here. All we can do right now is focus on the things we can control, take care of business and let the process take care of itself. Personally I feel he could be here today, but I'm not a doctor, so lets wait and see. Lets play with the players we have!"

Kid 1, was clearly enjoying the additional playing time he was getting thanks to Kid 2's delayed arrival . He also wasn't afraid to talk a little smack - perhaps trying to motivate his missing partner.

" I'm not ready yet. Its not Halloween yet. That Baby should wait a little bit."

All eyes on Timber Lane as we count the days, hours and minutes to kick-off.

Bengals ER - A Prescription for Victory!!!

This Sunday Morning, the Bengals Team bus will slowly roll into Arrowhead Stadium, following closely behind will be a caravan of orange and black ambulances transporting our battered defense. And while our linebackers may be in bad shape, it’s the entire season that is on life support.

Can there be a miracle recovery? Here’s my prescription for a win on Sunday.

1 Dose of “Stop crying Chad and catch the balls when they are thrown to you.”

1 liquid ounce of “TJ, you can be a coach when you’re playing career is over. Run the route you’re assigned.”

One heaping cup full Kenny Watson breaking off some big runs.

Suspend all above in a solution of taking down Chief’s QB Huard. Repeat 3 times and shake him hard.

One Bushel of “Stop being stupid.” Distribute to entire team as they exit the locker room.

Back Braces and Heart Medicine for the entire O-Line. They need to stiffen up and present an enlarged cardial vessel in order to open up lanes for one Kenny Watson and give Carson the time he needs to go down field. Also order bigger shoes for Stacy Andrews who has to try and fill Willies this week.

Turnovers, Turnovers, Turnovers. We need ‘em like Angelina Jolie needs a dozen donuts…seriously how much weight has she lost?

One Special Teams….Be Special. We have to win the field position battle. Our paraplegic defense will need the whole field to chase down Larry Johnson. You need a lot of room to hit the right angles when your linebackers are all on Stephen Hawking mobiles.

Marvin Lewis, please remove your stethoscope, move the therapist’s couch out of your office, stop coddling these grown men and put your headset on. Get out your special Coaching Matches and light a fire under this team’s collective butt. I want to be able to smell the burnt butt hair all they way back here in Cincinnati. I want people flying around the field, putting on big hits and making plays like they did in week 1.

We do all this…and we will win. Oh yes…we will win.

Waiting....

I knew we were in trouble when months ago, I witnessed my wife negotiate her due date with her Doctor.

"Well, everything looks great, based on the measurements I'm seeing we're going to set your due date at October 25."

"Are you sure? Because I am pretty sure its the 18th? I mean I actually felt the egg implanting on my uterine wall."

"Well let me double check....no, it should be the 25th"

" I don't think so, I've felt pregnant since day one. Its the 18th. I cannot go backwards, I feel like I am at week X and I cannot handle being at week X-1"

"OK. (chuckles and shakes his head) How about this, I'll write down the 18th as your due date, but we'll take no action until the 25th if you haven't gone by then."


But after all that, last week at her regular exam, the Doc tells her she could go any day. That was almost 5 days ago. We were elated and excited frantically started preparing...now we're just waiting. My wife isn't sleeping well, she's pretty uncomfortable. She has had just enough contractions to be irritating and to get her hopes up. When they seem consistent, she gets hopeful and starts to time them and they will suddenly disappear. People call her constantly looking for baby updates which serves to intensify her frustration that nothing is happening. We've been trying everything to make this baby go.

Here's a few with comments:

Spicy Food: In addition to Skyline and Popeye's Fried Chicken with Hot Sauce, Jill's so desperate she agreed to go to an Indian restaurant. I love Indian food, I love "Make You Sweat" hot Indian Food, but Indian Food does horrible things to me. Our whole house smelled like Spicy, Curried Ass last night. She sat across the room from me, with her blanket over her nose waiting for contractions that never came...

Raspberry Leaf Tea: This Elixir is supposed to help kick start contractions. For the past 4 days, if I see my wife, she has a coffee cup in her hand. There are used up teabags all over the house. I loaded the dishwasher yesterday and there was like 15 mugs in the top rack when I was done. If the tea is working...its a slow brewing process.

Nesting: Obviously the baby is holding off because we don't have the car seat installed, the swing built, the bottles sterilized or its first car yet. Well we have done almost all of that. Our house is Baby Central. It looks like we just had sept-uplets. We don't have any at the moment.

Sex: That's right, its in all the books and I'm not afraid to talk about it. Talking is easy...doing it has become much much more complicated. I mean first you have to get Kid One in bed and asleep. Then you have to eat 15 Tums and a bottle of Mylanta to fight off the extreme heartburn from all the hot sauce we've been eating. Then you have to get your wife out of the bathroom, because she's drank 8 gallons of tea with a 7.5 pound bowling ball inside her belly sitting on her bladder. She's a little tentative because she's not sure all the Indian has been cooked off and is out of my system...and I don't blame her for being cautious. You get through all of that, and stay awake...its so shocking you're not sure what to do. Then you find out that nothing works like its supposed to...the angles are all wrong, the old methods don't work. We fumbled and struggled so hard to get to third base last night we passed out rounding third and heading to home! Maybe tonight....

Jumping: I saw my wife jumping up and down yesterday commanding the baby to hurry up. I always being one to lend a hand, led the family in some group jumping jacks. You haven't lived until you've seen a 9 Month pregnant lady, a 4 year old and a bald guy hopping around in a kitchen. Results: Nothing.

Walking: Physical activity is supposed to help. Every night Jill hops on the treadmill, hoping each step takes her closer to delivery. We walk up and down the sidewalk of our street. We walked across the river to the Bengals game. We'll probably try to walk the 20 miles to freaking work tomorrow. Net results so far...Nothing!

I'm out of ideas. If you have any, please comment and wish us luck.

A Season Hanging in the Balance.

I know you all are expecting something up-lifting, something optimistic about the debacle on Monday Night. But you’re not going to get it! Grab your cafeteria tray, get in line, and get ready to receive two heaping, steaming, stinking scoopfuls of what I was force fed in the stands.

Thank God this is a bye week. Not because the Bengals have time to rest up, heal up and prep up for the Chiefs, but because I get a weekend off from the pain and suffering of being a Bengals fan. The past few weeks, on the morning after a game, I feel like instead of the players, the fans should report to the stadium for “treatment”. But since it is bye week, lets discuss the challenges I see for the 2007 version of the Cincinnati Bengals, unlike Marvin’s list, mine doesn’t spend much time on issues like “ Maturity” and “Selfishness.”

1. We. Need. Linebackers. If you are a non-smoker between the ages of 22 and 30 are close to 6.0” and weigh 200 lbs report to Paul Brown Stadium immediately. Seriously, how can any team beat the Patriots with 2 healthy linebackers in the second half, both of whom weren’t on your team in August.

2. We need a healthy stable offensive line. I am not sure why Big Willie’s still trying to start, but if he can’t go, and looks more and more like he can’t, then he needs to sit and let the Koistra era begin. I’m not sure what’s up between Levi and Whitworth, but let’s resolve it now. Our pass protection and running game will improve from the consistency and improved mobility.

3. We need to re-establish our running game. Granted, we’ve played from behind late in most games, but until we show opposing defenses we can hurt them on the ground, they will continue to double cover TJ and Chad and take away the deep vertical game. See Point 2 on how to get it back.

4. We do need to get healthy, and anyone who says “it’s not a valid excuse” is kidding themselves. Look at our PUP, Walking Wounded and IR list: Kenny Irons, Chris Perry, Lemar Marshall, Rudi, Tab Perry, David Pollack, Willie Anderson, Shane Graham, Ethan Kilmer, Rashad Jeanty, Ahmad Brooks, Caleb Miller, Eric Ghiaciuc. There’s a few on there I probably missed. We just got Antonio Chatman back. Those are all guys we counted on heading into the season.

5. Special Teams need to Be Special: It’s been tough the first 4 games and large portions of the blame can be placed on our special teams. Health, and free agency are contributing factors, Marvin and added and subtracted some players and to their credit, the coverage units performed much better Monday Night. We still cannot return the ball though, and Shane Graham’s kicks have been suspect (see above pt 4).

6. Finally enough with talk about maturing, selfishness, learning to win, etc. We've been hearing that crap for 5 years. It is Marvin’s job to set that tone and instill those traits. He’s had 5 years to do it, this is his team. If this team isn’t mentally or emotionally prepared to win, that is Marvin’s fault. This moment, this bye week, is his chance to show us what kind of coach he really is. If he loses this team now, he may never get it back and we may descend into the dark ages of Bungledom once again. Quit blaming the players, Marvin and fix it, they’re your guys and this is your team.

We have a lot of issues to address in 2 weeks. The goods news is, our next 4 games are not as tough on paper as our first 4. Kansas City is struggling, the Jets are terrible, the Bills are struggling and we get the Steelers at home. The opportunity to right the ship is there, but I am unconvinced we will seize the opportunity. Hang on Bengals Fans, its going to be a rough ride!