No Senator Craig, This Is Not My PT...

Travelling as I frequently do for business, I get to enjoy the rental car experience very frequently. I have an adventurous spirit and I always reserve the economy or small car option. Not only is it cheaper, but sometimes the rental companies will be out of econo cars and you get a free upgrade. This past trip to Minnesota, was not one of those trips.

I have ridden in lots of crappy small cars with my knees in my ears and my luggage in my lap: Cobalts, Neons, Kia Spectrums, Hyundai’s. With the exception of the Spectrum, they all sucked. But my most recent rental sucked like the Senator from Minnesota in a corner bathroom stall.

My departure from Avis was delayed because I couldn't find the window controls - oh there they were, on the center of the console just beneath the CD player - that's intuitive placement!

Merging onto the express way, was like walking through Over the Rhine in a Klan Robe - taking your life into your hands and placing faith in the kindness and generosity of total strangers. It was late and I was in a hurry to get to Eau Claire. (Once I got there, I wondered what my hurry was....) I accelerated down I-94, the engine screaming, chassis shaking, tachometer inching past 3 , this fine piece of engineering working overtime to get me to the jowl-shaking speed of 55. At one point I checked the worlds dumbest shift knob (Imagine an oversized Blo-Pop) - to make sure I wasn't in 2nd gear.

The Trunk was more like an expanded glovebox and the backseat might have sat Vern Troyer and a large coke comfortably.

The only thing worse than driving this piece of domestic doo-doo, was knowing how unbelievably (insert insult here...lame, dumb, gay, loserish) I looked. The hotel clerk snickered when I told her what I was driving and then she asked me to give an opinion on her hair. What was that about? Old men gave me the finger and laughed when they passed me in their Buick's. One threw his Colostomy Bag at me. By the way - the windshield wipers suck too.