I travel for business a fair amount. I recently made Gold Status which means I get to use the special security lanes, in theory I can get upgraded, and I get first pick of seats. But let me tell you what it really means. It means I spend a lot of time on planes and in airports. I know what you're thinking...poor baby, why's he outraged? Let me begin.
Security Lines: OK People. The rules haven't changed in quite some time. No liquids over 3 oz in your carry on. Ladies - this means no cosmetics in your purse, no water bottles, no cans of coke, no 18oz bottle of lotion for a 1 hour flight. And for the last time, YES you have to take your shoes off, and NO you cannot carry on your pocket knife, your tools, and NO you can't leave your keys in your pocket or expect that your WWF championship belt, or Rodeo Buckle - whatever the fuck that is will make it through the screener.
The Terminal: I just spent $500 for a ticket to Atlanta - now I get the opportunity to pay $9.99 for Internet access while I wait for my delayed flight out of some other over crowded hub? Then I get to wander the terminal looking for a power outlet to charge my laptop. Typically I see one, and begin to move in, when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see a fat guy in Khakis and a chic in suit dashing for the same outlet. I dive and go for a headfirst slide, but Fat Guy blocks the plate with ham sized calf and Suit Lady and I collide in a heap of power cords and spilled lattes.
The Plane: Being a medallion member, I usually get an exit row. The exit row is nice, don't get me wrong. But the exit rows are filled with the worst people. All the babes sit in the back of the plane on their way home from college. I get various forms of the travelling sales guy. Typically, I get FatGuy in the middle seat, his arms lapping over in a major violation of my airspace. I squeeze myself farther into the corner and try to work on my computer. FatGuy laughs uproariously at March of the Penguins on the monitor, but only when he isn't busy reading my screen. I type like I have alligator arms because I can neither extend my arms or bend my elbows as they are pinning by the cabin wall on one side and jello-like flesh on the other. Its a 4 hour flight, but don't worry - I was given 9 peanuts and a half a coke by a surly flight attendant. In the meantime, FatGuy spell checked my last emails and made some key grammar suggestions.
De-Planing - Seriously...how hard is it. We land and we are taxi-ing for like 10 minutes. Everyone knows the time is coming when we will begin deplaning. So my advice is to get your shit organized and get ready to get off the plane. But every time the plane stops and the bell goes off - it's complete pandemonium. Holy Shit....We're Were!!!(SURPRISE!!!) "Oh where's my bag, I need reorganize my purse, put my coat on, polish my championship belt." People are pulling suitcases down on each other, everyone stands up and blocks the aisle even though there's no where to go yet. When the do finally open the cabin doors - people stand around like cattle in a pen. Mooo, Mooo000...and Moooove it you slow piece of shit!! Get the fuck off the plane before Fatguy starts eating my right arm. He's been eyeing it for last 30 minutes after his peanuts ran out!!!
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