Worst Vacation: The Hospital

My father in law was immediately admitted and they began to run a tests. We did what everybody else does in the hospital, we sat there and waited. At some point, I excused myself to go to the restroom. I was standing at the urinal when I noticed something odd. I was pissing dark red, kinda the color of a nice Merlot. I puzzled over what could be the cause. Could it be the accumulated red dye from all the daiquiris? I didn't hurt anywhere, of course I was still I little tipsy.....I decided to get a second opinion. The last thing I wanted to do was alarm everyone else when they were already all freaked out.

I went to my wife and tried to explain it to her using the wine metaphor. Her eyes widened in concern, then narrowed in accusation," Did you hurt yourself when you jumped off the deck?"

"What?" I asked, " No way! It was only 15 foot jump! Besides, I think it's getting better. You want to see it?" As I walked away I began to get concerned, " Hmmmm...Could I have hurt myself trying to catch that damned lizard?"

I took a huge McDonalds cup with me the next time I had to pee. I rinsed it out, and started to take a sample. It was still a dark winey red. I thought that maybe the bigger the sample, the less red it would be. I'm not typically very girlish or anything, but I was sorta getting freaked out. So I kept peeing, and it just kept getting redder. So I filled that cup to the brim with warm, wine-red urine. That bastard was so full it had a meniscus, and it was still dark red.

"Fuck....."

Jill was waiting for me outside the bathroom.

I opened the lid, "See, its not that bad! I think its already getting a little better!"

"Ah....Chris....Goddamn it! What the hell is that?! You have to show the nurse right now!"

So I carefully walked to the nurse's stand and began to explain that I might need some help, but wanted a professional opinion. I told her the whole story about the daiquiris and the lizards, and then I placed the 44oz, warm, dripping paper cup on her desk.

"What is that?" She asked.

"Its a urine sample, I though you'd like to see it, you know maybe analyze it."

"Get that outta here!" She gave me a look like I was some sort of idiot. I was just trying to be helpful.

And so I found myself admitted to hospital.