Tactical Remodelling

I spent 20 minutes today duct-taping a $500 leather ottoman that was destroyed by a team effort from my son and our two dogs. We spent all day cleaning carpets this past Saturday cleaning stains and odors that were the result of spills or excretory processes from one of our 5 animals and/or 2 children. I am actually considering buying a used commercial Rug Doctor.

Over their tenure in our house, the dogs have ate 2 couches, a mattress, multiple blankets, countless articles of clothing, kids toys and wood trim. Yes wood trim…no I don’t know why. As for my three cats, I have three litter boxes in the house….three. I built a special litter box platform. Yet still they go through spells where they prefer the carpet.

As my wife and I think about decorating projects we cannot afford, we actually have started designing with a mind towards life with pets and kids. Carpet is out, hardwood is in. Overstuffed is out. Ballistic nylon or heavy leather is in. Tile is looking good! Anything white is out of the question. How scrub-able or easy to clean is it , is an often considered discussion point.

Since I appear to be doomed to live in ma petite menagerie, I propose an alternate design to what we have discussed thus far. (My apologies to those who have heard this before…) I want to install hose bibs in every room. I want to tile the walls to the 4 ft mark, build out the wall so that it curves into the floor, and then sink a drain in the middle of every room. For furniture, I am envisioning plastic inflatables. At the end of the day, pull out a hose, spray everything down, squeegee toward the drain, and move to the next room.

We then banish all animals from the basement and upstairs, doing so by removing both stairways. We’ll move through the house on fire poles and retractable rope ladders to make sure they cannot come up…or down. It’s the only way to have certain zones of the house which are completely animal free. No hair, no urine, no funny smells, no tracked litter, coughed up hairballs, claw marked furniture and so on and so forth.

And unlike simply shooting the animals or taking to a shelter, (so they can kill them for us) there’s no guilt, no woeful looks from children and wife as I do my very best Evil Noah impression and load the Pilot full of animals to take the Animal Shelter. Who’s with me? Anyone know where I can get a nice wrap a round inflatable sofa with cup holders? Football season is upon us.