The Great Pee Contest of 1982

I cannot remember how it all started, but I vividly remember exactly how it all ended. It was primarily me, Jeremy Woods, Mike Cobb and I think one of the Flerlage twins, probably Kevin, but really it was open to any and all first graders. During bathroom breaks, especially after lunch, we would all gather in front of the troughs and face off.

The boy’s bathroom in my elementary school had two long trough-style urinals. They weren’t really that long, maybe 3ft each, but when you’re 6 years old they seemed really big. They ran along the wall and were sandwiched between the sinks and the stalls. There was just enough room on either end for a little boy to stand.

I had waited all day for this moment. Last week I was edged out by Cobb and I was determined to win this week. The preparation was Olympic in nature: I drank lots of water, and I waited. I sweated, shook and crossed my legs through lunch hoping today would be the day of my triumph.

I dashed into the bathroom as soon as I could, awkwardly running trying not to bounce too much lest any of the precious liquid and the thrust it would provide escape. I was the third up. Kevin was squeezed between the urinals and the sinks, his back arched and on his toes, he let fly an amazing steam that cleared the first urinal and splashed loudly into the second. The crowd murmured in approval at the very solid showing. Pride flushed his face as he zipped his pants and took his place in the crowd. Mike stepped up, and I knew right away I would have my work cut out for me. Without even making the appearance of effort, he broke all previous records and thoroughly painted the drain! Not the first drain, but the drain of the second urinal! It was unheard of!! Applause broke out and some in the crowd left not believing such a feat could be duplicated much less broken. He smiled in modest satisfaction and joined the dwindling crowd to see what I could do.

My confidence was rattled, but I stepped into the gap and took a deep breath. I close my eyes, focused and let it fly. I opened my eyes, I was one with the stream. It cleared the 1st urinal, it cleared the drain! To my disbelief, it cleared the second urinal and began splattering the stall wall!!! It was the mother of all pees! It was unbeatable! A huge grin filled my face and I turned to see the look on the faces of my classmates.

What I saw instead was the horrified face of the Special Ed teacher, Ms. Wolfe. My classmates had scattered upon her entrance, leaving me all alone. My grin quickly faded.

“What are YOU doing?!”, she screamed.

There was no appropriate response. I hung my head. I wasn’t sure what was worse, the trouble I was in or the fact that no one would ever believe me. During the march to the office, I tried in vain to tell someone to check the stall wall to verify the record, but I was silenced by my captor.

The Pee Contests stopped that day, and for the rest of the year Mike Cobb held the bragging rights for the Longest Pee Ever. The students talked about it in whispers and hushed tones of admiration over Fish Nuggets and Mexican Fiesta’s. Mike was a made man over it and would from that moment on be one of the cool kids. My claims on the title were uniformly rejected due to a lack witnesses. Worse yet, The Big Bad Ms. Wolf had seen my little dog which was a source of great amusement for all. I cannot say for sure that moment marked the beginning of my descent into the social abyss that is Nerd-dom, but was certainly a major landmark on the way.