Dancing With Myself...Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!

By 8th grade, my social awkwardness having been compounded by a vicious struggle with puberty, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never have a girlfriend. Odd given my mindset at the time, that it never occurred to me to skip the 8th Grade Dance. One would assume the purpose of said dance would be, in fact, to dance....with members of the opposite sex. I went with no such intention. In fact, I decided to invite a friend to hang out with.

I remember how excited my Mom was when I nervously asked if a friend could come over before the dance. I also remember how her face crumbled a little when I told her it was my friend Dave. I can't be sure, but I think my parents breathed a big sigh of relief when I actually got married.....to a girl.

When I arrived at the dance, a DJ was spinning Top 40 hits from the likes of UB40, Def Leopard and Debbie Gibson. There was a throng of kids gyrating in a half circle around the stage. I took my position with the other pariahs against the folded up bleachers. After a while, I got hot and bored and decided to go sit on the stairs in the hall.

I had been sitting there for a while when I saw Julie walking towards me. Julie was reed thin, with skin so pale it was almost translucent, long brown hair and big blue eyes. We had a few classes together and we were friends. I also harbored a super secret crush on her, but was pretty confident those feelings weren't mutual. She wasn't a "cool" kid, but she was certainly higher on the social strata than I was. I started to slide out of her way so she could pass through and instead she stopped in front of me and put her hands out.

"What are you doing?" I asked suspiciously.

"Asking you to dance, Silly"

"Uh.....I don't really know how....but OK, if you really want to."

Great enthusiasm by the way! Way to make her feel special. Where's your poetry and song lyrics now, Romeo? How about, "I'd love to!" or "I was hoping you'd ask!" or even "Cool!". No...I went with "OK..if you really want too." Looking back on the moment, I can see know that I was doomed from the start.

We entered the gym. I was about to pass out because I was hyperventilating. Holding hands was the most action I had ever had. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest, my ears were so red they were burning and my hands.....oh my God, my hands! My palms were sweating so badly that holding my hands had to be like holding two wet sponges. How hot was that?! I prayed that it would be a short song and that we would stay in the shadows. We stood there hand in hand waiting for "Pour Some Sugar on Me" to end.

The first strains of Whitesnake's, "Is This Love?" began to flow through the speakers and she lead me onto the dance floor. She ploughed deeper and deeper into the crowd until we were right in the center. There we were, right beneath the DJ booth and underneath the white hot spotlights. It was simultaneously my worst nightmare and my greatest dream come true! There I was, with a girl, in front of the entire class. This moment could make or break me. I fumbled with my hands unsure of where they should go. I followed her lead and put my arms around her body and rested my hands on her back. It felt awkward and awesome all at the same time. I could smell her apple-scented conditioner. We began to slowly rotate in a counter clockwise circle, bodies close together. My heart was beating so hard, I was sure she could feel it through her shirt. I tried to make small talk, but my tongue wouldn't cooperate. I tried to smile at her, but I think the look I gave was one of sheer, bug eyed terror. Everything I had dreamed of was right in front of me. I was closer to a girl than I had ever been before. I could feel her breath on my face. I could feel the straps of her training bra for crying out loud!

We made it all of 3 small revolutions, when she abruptly pulled away and said, "This isn't working."

She melted into the crowd and left me there, fixed in the spotlight, frozen, alone. My arms extended like I was dancing with an invisible friend. My mouth gaped open in confusion and horror. I pushed my way out of the crowd and left. I was humiliated, devastated and enraged at my own ineptness. The gates of paradise were right there before me and I couldn't even step through them much less dance through them. I had always told myself that if I ever got a chance with a girl that I would make good. It was just a lack of opportunity, they didn't consider me, think of me, or even see me for that matter. But now I had been measured, and found lacking. I had to face the hard truth that it wasn't just them, it was me too.