The List (With Commentary)

Happy Thankgiving!

I am sitting at the table, looking at my 1/3 completed tile floor in the main room. By some serious fallacy of judgement, we decided to invite people over today for dinner. Dinner in a construction zone...how charming. It did get me thinking that no matter what, something will always be going on with this house, so really if I wanted until I was done, it'd be 20 or 30 years before someone came over.

Jill and I went to dinner a friend's home last week. It was a lovely home, very clean. Completely decorated - probably less than 4 years old. There were no hammers lying on the kitchen table, no mortary footprints on the hardwood, and their garage didn't look like a contractor's storage area. Actually it looked sanitary - like an ER. The whole thing was depressing. I hate them.

It makes me think of all the things I need to do here. Here's an abbreviated list for your reading pleasure. I accept donations of time and material.

1) Finish Slate Floor in Living Room - OK. Real slate - completely irregular. Some pieces are really thick, some are much thinner. They're not necessarily square. Its totally free style - throw the spacers out and just start laying down stones and hope that grout fixes all. Scary. I hope it looks good, because this floor is literally set in stone.

2) Fix almost every door in house: All of a sudden the doors in my house don't close. I'm not sure if the house is settling or preparing to fall down around my ears. All I know is a bedroom door that doesn't close with a 5 year old in the house is like playing Russian Roulette with the Kid's Psyche. "Mom...What's Daddy doing to you?" That would be a mojo killer for all of us, I think.

3) Fix the master bathroom: How does a supposed nice house have the Master Bath of a Flop House? Cheap Ass Light fixture with 4 out of 6 bulbs working. Shower Stall with a door we have to wedge shut with an old razor handle, and a floor that creaks and groans as if to say, "If you eat one more piece of cake, you're going through this fucking floor. In fact, you better move the couch to catch your fat ass - because its going to happen." And a toilet that only flushes when it damn well pleases. Oh and big blue and pink vagina-flower wall paper - ick. That has to go.

4) Window Coverings: We're cheap, and one of things we never got around to doing is putting blinds or drapes in the front windows. Only because there were bigger fish to fry and we were unsure of our decor intents for those room. Big Mistake. Apparently our neighbors monitor our every move, and discuss the latest intel over their dinner table. This past weekend, I received some technique tips from my neighbor, who thought I was going about a project all wrong. How helpful.....does he have any other technique advice he wants to share? Maybe a little something for me and the Missus?

5) Replace Exterior Wood Paneling: Here's a good idea for all you aspiring builders out there. Use MDF to build exterior wood panelling. It handles moisture very well - in fact it's like a big fucking brown sponge. I replaced one column this fall, I have one additional column and then several sections of bad panelling and trim on the bump out. The bump out also contains part of the Master Bath - so maybe its just the whole thing is bad. Like an cancer slowly spreading from the Bump Out, into the Master Bath, out to the bed room door and then down the stairs to slowly dissolve everything to crap. Maybe the house is falling down...

6) Garage Door: I was in the garage the other day when I heard a rattle, a groan, and then a slapping-boingy sound. Then I ducked because something was flying through the air. Turns out, it was a door spring. Can you buy those?

That's enough for now...any more and I'll contemplate arson.