Responsibility is Bullshit.

I remember in my college days, I had a serious affair with Eastern Philosophy. I was seduced by its decidedly non-western views regarding materialism, our place in the world and the focus on the moment before our eyes. I can hear the haughty sophistication in my voice, "People should really live in the now, who knows what tomorrow will bring. All this consumerism, possessions, the rat race...it distracts from the beauty of life."

Such bullshit. Fast forward 10 years. I live in a big house with a pool, I drive a new SUV, I have 2 kids and I have a 401K I monitor religiously. And I like them all. And I'll tell you something else, I don't feel empty.

I run the financial numbers in my head all the time, "Lets see, X dollars in this account, Y in that one, Z in that one, compound interest........I should hit 1MM by the time I am 60."

This too is all total bullshit on my part as no one knows what the market will do, what my contribution rate will be over time or if the magic 1MM dollar amount will be enough. This misses entirely the point, that by the time I am 60 most of that million dollars will likely be earmarked for future acquisitions, really exciting shit like dentures, a new hip and a shower handlebars.

Even so, we take our pretax deductions giddily like schoolboys hopped up on pixie sticks. We have an alphabet soup of 529's, FSA's, and side IRA's. We set aside a percentage for cash savings. We monitor our equity and wait for the day our student loans are paid off. We pay the bills. We see the money come in like the tide, and just as quickly roll back out. And let me tell you, when that tide rolls back out, it doesn't leave a fucking drop on the beach. My bank account's like the Sahara on the 30th of the month. My Dad couldn't find a freaking penny on my financial coast with his best metal detector and a shovel. And that's bullshit, my friends because he has some nice metal detectors!

The net effect....I have no goddamn money for me. I still sweat the bills as much as I did when I was busing tables, reading bullshit Buddhist tracts and trying to make the rent. I drink cheaper beer now than I did in college. That's bullshit, it's tasty...but it's still bullshit!

We work hard. I want to spend my money, its what we've been trained to do as Americans. Work hard, make money, spend it all, have lots of kids....and repeat. The less "free" money we have, the more compelling the urge is to spend it. I am like a dog straining against his master's leash. I am caught between logical discipline and genetic/culturally implanted urges of wild financial abandon. I want to single handily prop up the sagging economy buy going on a capitalistic bender that would make Warren Buffet blush. I want to roll into the mall and swipe my card so many times it bursts into flames in some poor shop girl's hands.

But I won't. And I think that's bullshit. Because when you work hard, and you do the right things, you want to feel like you're getting ahead. I'll be honest, paper statements don't get that job done. After all, money on paper isn't real. It's bullshit too.

That's where I am at. And I hope that last bullshit's not true. And that's no bullshit. Otherwise, what's it all for?