Cubicle Tales

Where I work, the men have a special bathroom we reserve for major transactions. The reason being is we frequently have guests in the building and nobody wants to walk into a seriously polluted bathroom before a sales presentation. It's kind of a mood killer.

For the past several months, someone has been stealing all the TP in the Men's Room. Now the only reason we ever go to this room, by necessity, requires the use of toilet paper. Realizing a second too late that there is none can cause major problems. Not too mention if you do catch it in time, you have to do the walk of shame with 4 or 5 rolls in your arms down the hall, past the receptionist,on the elevator and then into the bathroom. Nothing like meeting your 10:15 appt in the elevator, while you have an arm load of TP. "Hey, I'll see you in about 20! Are you ready to be impressed...by my presentation?"

Yuck!

It's bad enough that when the elevator stops, everyone knows you're going to take a shit. After all, the bathroom is the only thing on the floor. But when the elevator stops, and you got off with an armload of toilet paper, every assumes its about to get hella messy in there - like you have Cholera or ate wicked bad Mexican.

For months we assumed girls were raiding our bathroom to stock theirs, because we never saw girls doing the walk of shame. We even hid toilet paper in secret places, and eventually that too turned up missing. I went in there yesterday, to discover the toilet paper I just stocked the day prior was missing. In a rage, I walked into the lady's room, and they had like 20 rolls neatly lined up and ready for immediate use. I took 6, and decided to tell the other guys so we could contemplate and plan our revenge.

Later that day, my boss walked up to me and he had that, "I need to talk to you about something vibe." So I stopped working and asked him what was on his mind. He then proceeded to ask about the bathroom situation and whether I had noticed the toilet paper was missing. I told him I was all over it, I knew who was doing it, and it was game on.

He then said, " No....I've been taking it, because you guys cannot put the toilet paper on the dispenser."

I was shocked. This has been going on for months! Rather than just say, "Hey guys, it bothers me that you don't do X, can you fix it. He deliberately stole TP in some demented, passive aggressive gesture! I could see it being a little funny for a week, but this has been going on for almost a year! This is where I work? How busy is my boss, if he has time for goofy shit like this?

Am I wrong in thinking this is outrageous? See Poll.

Booty: A Call to Action

From the time we are very young, we obsess over sex. We think about it constantly, even long before we know what it really is. When we finally do get to experience it, we have no clue what to do. A point that is surely much more disappointing to her, than it really is to the young man at the time. The phrase, "That's it?" comes to mind as she ponders what just happened and says a silent goodbye to her dearly departed Flower.

And so most of guys out there enter the world of copulation with, shall we say, something lacking.

Over time, with lots of practice and late night cable, (and for today's generation) the Internet, we get better....or so we think. We get married, we have careers, we have children. Our lives are busy. Yet still the quest continues. Not surprisingly, we still find ourselves coming up short.

It's the weekend. The optimal time for couples to "reconnect." We don't have to go to work, we don't have to get up early the next day. Finally you get the kids to bed. You sit on the couch watching football. Perhaps you didn't bother to shave. You may have forgot to shower. "Fuck it", you said after waking up, "It's Saturday." You're wearing dirty jeans and a nasty t-shirt with food stains on it. Drinking cheap beer and belching loudly while using your fingers for a Q-tip. Occasionally you might fart unapologetic ally, I know I do. By the third High Life, we're all starting think about a little about "Sumpum, Sumpum...you know wut I'm sayin??" Which unfortunately maybe precisely how we phrase it to our respective wives and significant others. Looking over, we realize the object of our affection has fallen asleep.....again.

Yet, we never stop at that moment and seriously wonder why. I mean, look at us in all our manly majesty. Who couldn't wait up for that?! The time has come for change.

Let me be clear here, I am not speaking of a little man-sculpting and a dab of cologne. I preach a more holistic gospel. We have to create an environment that rather than encouraging failure, fosters the successful pursuit of poon. We can no longer seriously expect our women to transition seamlessly from, "Married With Children" to "The Red Shoe Diaries." No more can we Bundy it up all day, and then expect to go David Duchovny all night. We must groom! We must bathe! We must pretend to have manners!

It's not 1953, Gentlemen. If we expect dinner, Men, we must set the table.

Now if you will excuse me, I must go and clip my toe nails.

The Ending of an Era...

I left work early yesterday to pay my final respects to a bygone age. My friends were in town from Las Vegas for the holidays. As I have joked before, I may be the only person in the 21st Century to have two friends run off to join the circus. In my case, it was the Cirque du Soleil. Two very talented, very fortunate individuals that had the right combination of circumstances and ability and are making the most of it. I couldn't be happier for them.

We had agreed to meet at McDonald's before moving on to the final destination. As I pulled into McDonald's, I could see them ordering while I spent 10 minutes in the car finishing up a phone call. It's funny how time passes and lives change. Yet, somethings don't. As soon as I took my seat at the table, we could have all been 17 again.

Back then we spent nearly every weekend together. Mostly doing really stupid stuff like playing with explosives, making really bad horror movies, sitting around watching 1970's Blaxploitations films. To the day, Black Belt Jones is in my top 10 favorite movies. (YouTube it.....it's fantastic! If you can handle that, try a little Dolomite.) To this day, we can have entire conversations using lines from those movies.

But the Bogarts (look it up, its a BBJ reference...), were here for a special purpose. My good friend, one of my oldest friends, was finally cutting his hair. He had been growing his hair out since I met him in the 9th grade, when he had a mullet. His hair yesterday was long, but thin....real thin. It was probably time. But Rick's hair, for me, was like that last bastion. That last marker of a bygone age. Rick and Carus might have moved to Vegas. Greg might have gone to UK. I might have taken a "real job," had kids and become self absorbed, but I have always had faith that we would always be like we always were. Perhaps it is because I feel like I have changed so much, and Rick has always been....Rick, the very thought of Rick actually cutting his hair was very disturbing to me. Much like our relationship, Rick seemed less upset about the cut than I did. Damn his eternal calmness! I have always despised it as much as I have admired and failingly tried at times to emulate it. The three of us stood there in a circle and heckled him while the stylist did her job. When she was done, Rick had 8 inches of braided hair in his hands and some gel in his hair.

I have to admit, with tremendous relief, Rick didn't look that different. We all sat down over conies and caught up. We told stories. We laughed. I only checked my blackberry once. It was great. The circumstances which brought us all together almost 20 years ago changed as soon as we went to college, but the dynamic that exists between us has not. We grow older, our lives evolve. I would be a liar if I said our paths were convergent. But it's good to know that in spite of our very different lives, the connection is there, and it will always be there. Even if Rick's hair isn't.

You Lazy Bastards...

I had just finished up a killer presentation. I was all excited when I hit print key and was very eager to review it with the sales person. I was already wishing I was the one making the call and thinking about the look on the buyer's face when I dropped this bad boy on him. I rushed over to the printer and....Nothing.

What the...? I looked at the display screen.

"Tray L1 empty, please load.....Tray L1 empty, please load...."

Son of Bitch! I grabbed some paper, reloaded the machine and walked away

I thought I might as well grab a glass of water while I waited for my print job to complete. I approached the water cooler warily, for I could see it was low. Actually it was empty as I discovered after pulling the valve. Well, not completely empty, I think some dust and cobweb rolled out. I decided to check down into coffee, but a glaring red light and empty carafe greeted me.

Dammit! Who does this things? Its bad enough to drink the last cup, but to not make more and leave the coffee maker on is a crime against humanity. I am sure its in the Geneva Conventions somewhere...

I flipped off the coffee maker. For that matter, I also turned it off, and then proceeded to rip off the empty jug from the cooler. I went down the hall and carried a new jug in, reloaded the cooler and poured myself a glass.

All this exercise and moving around, got other things moving and so I stopped to go to the bathroom, and that's when it happened.

The Hat Trick!

In the history of the office only I have achieved the Dubious Distinction that is the Hat Trick!

There, hanging limply on the dispenser, was an empty toilet paper roll. Not just empty. Stripped completely bare! Not even a scrap of white adorning it's ugly, corrugate face.

In the span of 1 hour, I personally reloaded the printer, refilled the water cooler and restocked the bathroom. It's unheard of.

You people I work with everyday... You Lazy Bastards!

You are officially on notice!

The List (With Commentary)

Happy Thankgiving!

I am sitting at the table, looking at my 1/3 completed tile floor in the main room. By some serious fallacy of judgement, we decided to invite people over today for dinner. Dinner in a construction zone...how charming. It did get me thinking that no matter what, something will always be going on with this house, so really if I wanted until I was done, it'd be 20 or 30 years before someone came over.

Jill and I went to dinner a friend's home last week. It was a lovely home, very clean. Completely decorated - probably less than 4 years old. There were no hammers lying on the kitchen table, no mortary footprints on the hardwood, and their garage didn't look like a contractor's storage area. Actually it looked sanitary - like an ER. The whole thing was depressing. I hate them.

It makes me think of all the things I need to do here. Here's an abbreviated list for your reading pleasure. I accept donations of time and material.

1) Finish Slate Floor in Living Room - OK. Real slate - completely irregular. Some pieces are really thick, some are much thinner. They're not necessarily square. Its totally free style - throw the spacers out and just start laying down stones and hope that grout fixes all. Scary. I hope it looks good, because this floor is literally set in stone.

2) Fix almost every door in house: All of a sudden the doors in my house don't close. I'm not sure if the house is settling or preparing to fall down around my ears. All I know is a bedroom door that doesn't close with a 5 year old in the house is like playing Russian Roulette with the Kid's Psyche. "Mom...What's Daddy doing to you?" That would be a mojo killer for all of us, I think.

3) Fix the master bathroom: How does a supposed nice house have the Master Bath of a Flop House? Cheap Ass Light fixture with 4 out of 6 bulbs working. Shower Stall with a door we have to wedge shut with an old razor handle, and a floor that creaks and groans as if to say, "If you eat one more piece of cake, you're going through this fucking floor. In fact, you better move the couch to catch your fat ass - because its going to happen." And a toilet that only flushes when it damn well pleases. Oh and big blue and pink vagina-flower wall paper - ick. That has to go.

4) Window Coverings: We're cheap, and one of things we never got around to doing is putting blinds or drapes in the front windows. Only because there were bigger fish to fry and we were unsure of our decor intents for those room. Big Mistake. Apparently our neighbors monitor our every move, and discuss the latest intel over their dinner table. This past weekend, I received some technique tips from my neighbor, who thought I was going about a project all wrong. How helpful.....does he have any other technique advice he wants to share? Maybe a little something for me and the Missus?

5) Replace Exterior Wood Paneling: Here's a good idea for all you aspiring builders out there. Use MDF to build exterior wood panelling. It handles moisture very well - in fact it's like a big fucking brown sponge. I replaced one column this fall, I have one additional column and then several sections of bad panelling and trim on the bump out. The bump out also contains part of the Master Bath - so maybe its just the whole thing is bad. Like an cancer slowly spreading from the Bump Out, into the Master Bath, out to the bed room door and then down the stairs to slowly dissolve everything to crap. Maybe the house is falling down...

6) Garage Door: I was in the garage the other day when I heard a rattle, a groan, and then a slapping-boingy sound. Then I ducked because something was flying through the air. Turns out, it was a door spring. Can you buy those?

That's enough for now...any more and I'll contemplate arson.

That Was Stupid....

Did you ever do something, where even as the idea formulated in your brain, you instinctively knew it was a bad idea? But yet despite the warning bells going off in your head, you did it anyway.

Yeah, well. I looked at my 401K yesterday. Holy........Shit.

I knew it would be bad, but I couldn't buy a bottle of cheap whiskey and a cheaper whore with what's left! (I guess like the rest of America, I'll be making some tough decisions in the future...)

Now here's what pisses me off. When the Market was booming in the late 1990's, I worked at a restaurant. When I got a check, which was rare, I contributed $15.00 a week. The company didn't match. I had no idea what fund out of the three we had to choose from to use, so I just did whatever. Every quarter, no matter which lousy fund I had my money it, it grew at like 20%. That money actually became my down payment for my first house. And I was sold on the concept of investing.

Now I work in a real job, with a better pay check. I believe (d?) in the 401-K concept so I put at least 10% of my salary away. I study the funds. I re-balance. I diversify. One year ago today, after being employed for almost 8 years, I ran the numbers and thought that by the end of 2010, at the latest, I would have 6 figures stashed away. And I felt great! I was delusional.

The closest thing I'm getting to six figures now would be the Star Wars guys in my son's toy room.

The market rallies one day and plummets the next. There's no real rhyme or reason to it. Everyone says its going to get worse, and I tend to believe them. Through every high, and more frequently every low, I keep telling myself that I am buying at a value price. The Market, I reason, is undervalued. I resist the urge to slash my contribution or move what's left into a safer sector. First of all, is there one? Second of all, I move that money and I realize all those losses and basically give up on getting it back. I can't do that yet.

When you get into a 401K, you hear a lot about maximizing matching funds, give yourself a raise first, research etc. But my favorite is: Invest in the Long Term! The reason being even though the market fluctuates, the average gain is 8% over time. Even in periods of retraction, the market typically wins back its losses in less than two years.

You financial bastards better be right. I'm a Maker's Mark kinda guy, and this Kentucky Tavern stuff is killing me!

Dear Jim: I'm sorry, I'm leaving.

It's been a long, brutal election cycle. The new President isn't even in office, and the opposition is already posturing for 2012. I've seen Palin's and Romney's face as much in the past week as I have heading into the election. As a nation, we've become hyper-politicized. Unfortunately, it's changed everything. We used to consciously avoid political discourse in polite conversation. We didn't want the public at large to associate us as a Democrat or a Republican. Media outlets went to great lengths to avoid any type of real or perceived bias. We treated politics like we treat religion - you're free to vote, or belief as you like but keep it to yourselves. We were all just citizens.

But now I find, bias is everywhere. You cannot buy a cup of coffee without having a political statement printed on the cup. Everywhere you turn, there's a bumper sticker, a T-shirt. You pick your news channel based on what brand of politics you prefer. I thought the news, was the news. But we're not consuming news anymore, we're consuming commentary - and we want our commentators to mirror our beliefs. You disregard news from sources you don't prefer. Depending on which side you lean to, Fox News or the New York times is either the last remaining pillar of civilization or the a virtual fountain of lies and propaganda. The urge by media or companies to appeal to the center, I think has been replaced by an urge to sell a split electorate.

Fox News wants the red states and millions of voted for McCain, and so they load up with programing to appeal to those viewers - its newsertainment, and MNSBC does the same thing on the other side. And they can both make ton's of money doing so.

I'm not sure politics as a marketing strategy is a healthy idea. I'm not sure that's the way to heal partisanship and bring this country together. By continually focusing on what makes us different, we lose all the things which tie this whole country together. I'm also not comfortable with the Politicization of Truth. Our facts sets depend on which side we're on. We pick and choose from the all available facts to build our chases. Shouldn't we use all the facts? Shouldn't media outlets report the entire story, not just the part that sells? What are the long term effects of a society that gets its information filtered to suit their tastes? Shouldn't we form our opinions and make our decisions on the sometimes hard, uncomfortable, and distasteful facts? I fear over time, this trend will make us a more narrow minded society - on both sides.

The alarm woke me up yesterday morning and Jim Scott was on the radio. I've listened to Jim for 10 years. In recent months I've noticed that his political commentary has become more and more pronounced. Every news story has a personal slant from Jim. Snarky, Sarcastic, Biting. The guests have a more political slant. On Election Day he interviewed Ted Nugent, who certainly is qualified to weigh in all things political, and Ted used his 50,000 watts and 30 seconds of air time to call Barak Obama a Socialist.

I don't mind that Jim Scott (or Ted Nugent) has an opinion. I don't mind that he doesn't agree with me. I'm used to it. Most people around me don't. But I don't want New-Sertainment at six in the morning. I don't want to be sold at 6:00am, and I don't want to buy at 6:00am. I could care less if it was Jim Scott, or Al Franken bashing on Sarah Palin. Either way, it's too damn early! I want the news. I want the weather. I want the traffic. And I want cheezy old Jim Scott working in his silly, old school Select Comfort Commercials. But I cannot do it anymore. I changed the station.

Today I switched to NPR. I was afraid there would be snarky commentary from a left perspective. Instead is was calm, news reporting with no commentary. Perhaps because NPR is a non-profit program, they haven't felt the urge to chase a demographic. You might be thinking, NPR is essentially liberal radio, but I didn't hear that. They did cover much more international news. It wasn't as business focused as WLW was. They didn't do Traffic and Weather on the Ten's - which I missed dearly. But it wasn't partisan.

I'm sorry Jim Scott, but we're through.