Wrap Up: Worst Vacation Ever

We were released from the hospital at roughly the same time. The official diagnosis: One case of heat stroke and one case of badly bruised kidneys. The remedies: Less sun for him and less fun for me. My father in law was advised to stay out of the heat and drink lots of water. I was advised to lay off the booze and stop chasing lizards. This was difficult news to take because during the testing, I was plotting my vengeance on the lizard.

The week’s events had taken their toll on us all and the wind was taken out of our collective sails. The remaining days were very, very low key. By Friday, my father in law was feeling much better, and my urine was a nice pink color, like white zinn, which while shocking was much better than the merlot from earlier in the week. We had endured bulldozers, surprise guests, heat stroke and kidney damage on top of all the struggles that go with living with a large group of people for several days. It was time for the vacation to be over, probably past time.

Amazingly the week didn’t dampen our enthusiasm for family vacations. Almost every year we load up and caravan to the same part of Florida. We’ve never stayed at the same place, but we talk about The House all the time. My friend and I reminisce about the Perfect Day that came to an abrupt end when we all ran to the hospital. In spite of several attempts we’ve never been able to recreate it. Perhaps the sun’s a bit brighter, the beer a bit colder and the water a bit blue-er just before disaster. I still remember how damn good that shrimp was before Gary showed up. We’ve endured each others personality quirks, kids, bad cooking, bad weather, crappy and/or small houses, but nothing has compared to Worst Vacation Ever. Every time we get together when vacation comes up, we talk about it. Now, several years later we can all laugh about it. No matter how bad it gets we can always fall back on, “Well….Dad still’s still conscious and Chris isn't peeing blood, so we got that going for us."

Worst Vacation: The Hospital

My father in law was immediately admitted and they began to run a tests. We did what everybody else does in the hospital, we sat there and waited. At some point, I excused myself to go to the restroom. I was standing at the urinal when I noticed something odd. I was pissing dark red, kinda the color of a nice Merlot. I puzzled over what could be the cause. Could it be the accumulated red dye from all the daiquiris? I didn't hurt anywhere, of course I was still I little tipsy.....I decided to get a second opinion. The last thing I wanted to do was alarm everyone else when they were already all freaked out.

I went to my wife and tried to explain it to her using the wine metaphor. Her eyes widened in concern, then narrowed in accusation," Did you hurt yourself when you jumped off the deck?"

"What?" I asked, " No way! It was only 15 foot jump! Besides, I think it's getting better. You want to see it?" As I walked away I began to get concerned, " Hmmmm...Could I have hurt myself trying to catch that damned lizard?"

I took a huge McDonalds cup with me the next time I had to pee. I rinsed it out, and started to take a sample. It was still a dark winey red. I thought that maybe the bigger the sample, the less red it would be. I'm not typically very girlish or anything, but I was sorta getting freaked out. So I kept peeing, and it just kept getting redder. So I filled that cup to the brim with warm, wine-red urine. That bastard was so full it had a meniscus, and it was still dark red.

"Fuck....."

Jill was waiting for me outside the bathroom.

I opened the lid, "See, its not that bad! I think its already getting a little better!"

"Ah....Chris....Goddamn it! What the hell is that?! You have to show the nurse right now!"

So I carefully walked to the nurse's stand and began to explain that I might need some help, but wanted a professional opinion. I told her the whole story about the daiquiris and the lizards, and then I placed the 44oz, warm, dripping paper cup on her desk.

"What is that?" She asked.

"Its a urine sample, I though you'd like to see it, you know maybe analyze it."

"Get that outta here!" She gave me a look like I was some sort of idiot. I was just trying to be helpful.

And so I found myself admitted to hospital.