Strap on your helmets and get under your desks. Buy emergency supplies and gas up the generator. I am elevating the bomb threat level to Red....bright, bloody Cardinal Red!!! Our secondary is going up against one of the best receiving cores in the league, with Boldin, Fitgerald and Bryant Johnson all with big play abilities and a quarterback who knows how to throw bombs. Opposing them will be the battered combination of Leon "Where'd he go?!" Hall, Deltha " Every Other Play, On Every other Day, Is when I Play" O'Neal, and Jonathan "What Sophomore Slump?" Joseph.
Sure, I'm concerned. Do things look bleak? Absolutely. Are the playoffs completely out of the picture? It would a travesty, a crime against humanity if the Bengals lose this week at home. This game, this week, each play and each series we get to write our destiny on the pages of history. Is the season over?? What will become of us and what are we to do?In these dark times, when our fates hang on the razors edge, Bengal Fans, I implore you to seek solace in the words and the advice of Winston Churchill.
When the Blitz rained down on London, Nazi Bombers darkened the skies overhead, and all seemed lost - did Winston Churchill hide and wave the white flag...NO. When the people grew frightened and asked what they should do, this was his reply.
"You ask what is our policy. I will say, it is to wage war with all our might, with all the strength that God can give us, to wage war against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime.
"You ask what is our aim? I can answer in one word: Victory. Victory at all costs. Victory in spite of all terror. Victory however long and hard the road may be. For without victory there is no survival."
And for the Bengals, without victory there is no survival. And so we strap them up and lace them up and prepare to do battle against those who would destroy our season and our very Orange and Black Bengal way of life. From my Bunker, defending the Southern approaches to Paul Brown Stadium, I raise my fist in defiance and prepare for Sunday, Bloody Sunday.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Bengals v Ravens...The rematch
This game has all the drama of a cage match between Napoleon Dynamite and Pee Wee Herman. Sure somebody's going to win, punches will be thrown and hair pulled but nobody's watching at home to see two world class fighters at the top of their game. Instead its the novelty act, the 22 circus clowns stuffed onto the same field, trying to bungle and flap their way towards the end zone and an improbable victory.
Steve McNair and Willis McGahee, after being embarrassed by the Steelers on Monday night, have to be excited about the opportunity to face the Bengals defense. The revolving door at linebacker continues after an injury to Schlegel and our Charmin Corner's will continue to play squeezably soft. Expect a lot of perimeter runs and passes of the play action for big yardage.
When we have the ball, we'll try to get the ground game rolling against Baltimore's geriatric line. Since I have Rudi on my fantasy team, I am sure that won't work. But with several Baltimore secondary starters popping up on the injury report, Carson and company will try to go down field. Chris Henry is back and expected to contribute, if he doesn't get arrested before game time. Word has it, Marvin has him locked inside the stadium until time to catch the plane after this week's incident with a parking valet. Look up class in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of number 15. Lets hope he hasn't forgotten how to catch as apparently number 85 has.
Which brings me to my favorite part of last week's game: TJ holding a receiving clinic for Chad on the sidelines after another dropped pass. It looked like me showing my 4 year old how to catch!!
In summation, expect a sloppy game from both teams, Baltimore's at home and this may be the funniest thing I write all year...I predict a Bengal's win...27-21. Please check out the poll question - a new feature!!!!
Steve McNair and Willis McGahee, after being embarrassed by the Steelers on Monday night, have to be excited about the opportunity to face the Bengals defense. The revolving door at linebacker continues after an injury to Schlegel and our Charmin Corner's will continue to play squeezably soft. Expect a lot of perimeter runs and passes of the play action for big yardage.
When we have the ball, we'll try to get the ground game rolling against Baltimore's geriatric line. Since I have Rudi on my fantasy team, I am sure that won't work. But with several Baltimore secondary starters popping up on the injury report, Carson and company will try to go down field. Chris Henry is back and expected to contribute, if he doesn't get arrested before game time. Word has it, Marvin has him locked inside the stadium until time to catch the plane after this week's incident with a parking valet. Look up class in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of number 15. Lets hope he hasn't forgotten how to catch as apparently number 85 has.
Which brings me to my favorite part of last week's game: TJ holding a receiving clinic for Chad on the sidelines after another dropped pass. It looked like me showing my 4 year old how to catch!!
In summation, expect a sloppy game from both teams, Baltimore's at home and this may be the funniest thing I write all year...I predict a Bengal's win...27-21. Please check out the poll question - a new feature!!!!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
For the Confident, Treacherous Bogart!!!
I am really not sure what to say about this, except...when I saw it...I felt compelled to share it. I love the selling paragraph to the side, double click the image to enlarge. I want to wear a pair of these with a zucchini stuffed in them and ride public transportation and hang out (ha ha) on Fountain Square filming people's reactions. How soon would I be arrested??
How did this happen???!
"And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?"
Talking Heads, Once Upon a Life
I find it very hard to believe I have 2 kids. 2 kids...seems so much a bigger deal than 1. One kid, and you're starting a family, you're young and hip. I completely adore Emma. Jonathan is awesome. I have the best wife in the world. I am happy. (Which in and of itself sometimes feels weird.)But I gotta tell you, when Kid #2 come along, its like the Bureau of Stereotypes comes in while you're still in the hospital.
" I'm with the B.S. Just a couple questions before we let you go home. Great...Second Child? How old are you?"
"Yes, second child...I'm 31"
"Wonderful....I see you've lost most of your hair. Looks like you have a pretty sizable mortgage....that's excellent. Oh...and I see here it looks like you spend a fair amount of time worrying about your 401-K. We really like to see that! Any urges to buy a Sports Car, or cheat on your wife, quit your job and start a dairy farm?"
"No, but I did run a triathlon last month, I am planning on doing a marathon this spring and I have found myself very absorbed in Sports the past few years. Is that normal?"
"Oh perfectly normal, we see it all the time. You're interest in racing in simply you trying to convince yourself that 30 doesn't mean your over the hill. The obsession with sports, also common in the over 30 non athlete is you trying to identify yourself with younger, richer more virile males.
"OK Good that's a relief I guess, so now what?"
"Well...I suggest going home. Do you have a minivan or an SUV?"
"We have a Jeep Cherokee."
"Great...well, I'll check back in a couple years. I'd really like to see you add a few pounds to your mid section, get that BP and Cholesterol up. Hopefully we can start start talking about Type 2 Diabetes. Maybe you should consider making an irrational purchase like a hot tub or a boat. Also, start thinking about that Disney vacation."
"Gee thanks, so uh I guess this is it....?"
"This is it, see you in a few years!"
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?"
Talking Heads, Once Upon a Life
I find it very hard to believe I have 2 kids. 2 kids...seems so much a bigger deal than 1. One kid, and you're starting a family, you're young and hip. I completely adore Emma. Jonathan is awesome. I have the best wife in the world. I am happy. (Which in and of itself sometimes feels weird.)But I gotta tell you, when Kid #2 come along, its like the Bureau of Stereotypes comes in while you're still in the hospital.
" I'm with the B.S. Just a couple questions before we let you go home. Great...Second Child? How old are you?"
"Yes, second child...I'm 31"
"Wonderful....I see you've lost most of your hair. Looks like you have a pretty sizable mortgage....that's excellent. Oh...and I see here it looks like you spend a fair amount of time worrying about your 401-K. We really like to see that! Any urges to buy a Sports Car, or cheat on your wife, quit your job and start a dairy farm?"
"No, but I did run a triathlon last month, I am planning on doing a marathon this spring and I have found myself very absorbed in Sports the past few years. Is that normal?"
"Oh perfectly normal, we see it all the time. You're interest in racing in simply you trying to convince yourself that 30 doesn't mean your over the hill. The obsession with sports, also common in the over 30 non athlete is you trying to identify yourself with younger, richer more virile males.
"OK Good that's a relief I guess, so now what?"
"Well...I suggest going home. Do you have a minivan or an SUV?"
"We have a Jeep Cherokee."
"Great...well, I'll check back in a couple years. I'd really like to see you add a few pounds to your mid section, get that BP and Cholesterol up. Hopefully we can start start talking about Type 2 Diabetes. Maybe you should consider making an irrational purchase like a hot tub or a boat. Also, start thinking about that Disney vacation."
"Gee thanks, so uh I guess this is it....?"
"This is it, see you in a few years!"
Friday, November 2, 2007
Obituary
The 2007 Bengals Play-Off Hopes died this past Sunday, taken too soon from this earth after only 7 games. The Hope had been frail this year, suffering many injuries which depleted an already frail body decimated by suspensions, free angency and bad draft decisions. Hope is survived by her sisters, Misery, Disbelief, Despair and a brother, Rage.
Marvin Lewis spoke at the wake, giggling "We've all got to try and do our jobs and move forward." He blabbered on about responsibility, selfishness and challenges of surviving in the league without stopping the other team.
Ahmad Brooks was supposed to speak, but reinjured his groin on the way to the podium . Odell Thurman was present, and was so distraught he skipped an AA meeting to keep his former team mates company at the bar. I last saw him leading Chris Henry and Reggie Neal in rousing game of beer pong.
Marvin, Chad, Carson and TJ were seen arguing over who should be at what position when the casket was carried out. The discussion became so heated that TJ angrily threw his hat. Then Carson and Marvin staggered under the addition weight when Chad suddenly left the procession to go find his special funeral shoes and casket handling gloves.
As of right now, the Bengals are in position for the 8th pick in the draft in 2008, where we will all join for the rebirth of Hope
Marvin Lewis spoke at the wake, giggling "We've all got to try and do our jobs and move forward." He blabbered on about responsibility, selfishness and challenges of surviving in the league without stopping the other team.
Ahmad Brooks was supposed to speak, but reinjured his groin on the way to the podium . Odell Thurman was present, and was so distraught he skipped an AA meeting to keep his former team mates company at the bar. I last saw him leading Chris Henry and Reggie Neal in rousing game of beer pong.
Marvin, Chad, Carson and TJ were seen arguing over who should be at what position when the casket was carried out. The discussion became so heated that TJ angrily threw his hat. Then Carson and Marvin staggered under the addition weight when Chad suddenly left the procession to go find his special funeral shoes and casket handling gloves.
As of right now, the Bengals are in position for the 8th pick in the draft in 2008, where we will all join for the rebirth of Hope
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Things People Buy.....
I am a question asker. After seeing this item for sale in the Sky Mall Magazine, I asked the following: 1) Why are 2 of the knobs so much longer than the others? 2) What is the look on this lady's face all about.
I think this is just the thing for a deep penetrating massage. And I think this model is hoping she gets to keep the sample.
Just my thoughts...
Friday, October 26, 2007
No Senator Craig, This Is Not My PT...
Travelling as I frequently do for business, I get to enjoy the rental car experience very frequently. I have an adventurous spirit and I always reserve the economy or small car option. Not only is it cheaper, but sometimes the rental companies will be out of econo cars and you get a free upgrade. This past trip to Minnesota, was not one of those trips.
I have ridden in lots of crappy small cars with my knees in my ears and my luggage in my lap: Cobalts, Neons, Kia Spectrums, Hyundai’s. With the exception of the Spectrum, they all sucked. But my most recent rental sucked like the Senator from Minnesota in a corner bathroom stall.
My departure from Avis was delayed because I couldn't find the window controls - oh there they were, on the center of the console just beneath the CD player - that's intuitive placement!
Merging onto the express way, was like walking through Over the Rhine in a Klan Robe - taking your life into your hands and placing faith in the kindness and generosity of total strangers. It was late and I was in a hurry to get to Eau Claire. (Once I got there, I wondered what my hurry was....) I accelerated down I-94, the engine screaming, chassis shaking, tachometer inching past 3 , this fine piece of engineering working overtime to get me to the jowl-shaking speed of 55. At one point I checked the worlds dumbest shift knob (Imagine an oversized Blo-Pop) - to make sure I wasn't in 2nd gear.
The Trunk was more like an expanded glovebox and the backseat might have sat Vern Troyer and a large coke comfortably.
The only thing worse than driving this piece of domestic doo-doo, was knowing how unbelievably (insert insult here...lame, dumb, gay, loserish) I looked. The hotel clerk snickered when I told her what I was driving and then she asked me to give an opinion on her hair. What was that about? Old men gave me the finger and laughed when they passed me in their Buick's. One threw his Colostomy Bag at me. By the way - the windshield wipers suck too.
I have ridden in lots of crappy small cars with my knees in my ears and my luggage in my lap: Cobalts, Neons, Kia Spectrums, Hyundai’s. With the exception of the Spectrum, they all sucked. But my most recent rental sucked like the Senator from Minnesota in a corner bathroom stall.
My departure from Avis was delayed because I couldn't find the window controls - oh there they were, on the center of the console just beneath the CD player - that's intuitive placement!
Merging onto the express way, was like walking through Over the Rhine in a Klan Robe - taking your life into your hands and placing faith in the kindness and generosity of total strangers. It was late and I was in a hurry to get to Eau Claire. (Once I got there, I wondered what my hurry was....) I accelerated down I-94, the engine screaming, chassis shaking, tachometer inching past 3 , this fine piece of engineering working overtime to get me to the jowl-shaking speed of 55. At one point I checked the worlds dumbest shift knob (Imagine an oversized Blo-Pop) - to make sure I wasn't in 2nd gear.
The Trunk was more like an expanded glovebox and the backseat might have sat Vern Troyer and a large coke comfortably.
The only thing worse than driving this piece of domestic doo-doo, was knowing how unbelievably (insert insult here...lame, dumb, gay, loserish) I looked. The hotel clerk snickered when I told her what I was driving and then she asked me to give an opinion on her hair. What was that about? Old men gave me the finger and laughed when they passed me in their Buick's. One threw his Colostomy Bag at me. By the way - the windshield wipers suck too.
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